A lighter fire

How do we do it? When we try to love again, to let them know what matters to us without constantly second guessing how we go forward from here?

It’s not his fault. He has to pick up his daughter from a month long summer vacation at just what happens to be my birthday. Or thereabouts. And yet, in my family, The Birthday is sancrosanct. So what do I do?

I will celebrate in my own way. And yet this feels important. Just as does the pause in which he seems hesitant to introduce me to his friends, his family. I’ve noticed.

Listen, I am actually not asking for advice although it touches me that you want to take care of me. But perhaps we can remember together that we have to find our own way. Shaky waltzes and all. Trusting as we turn into the air.

It is hard to accept that perhaps, within that dance, I perceive that I am resolutely at a “lesser” place than I was a year ago, singing positive even while still so unsure. The notes ring false to my tuned ears. And I wrote about this last year too, and probably the year before. I am physically sick of this recurring doubt ebbing against resilience. But this is it, how we live, how we move. So called “mistakes” pump through us like our very blood, as do our everyday victories. Because where I will return to is all that I truly want, which is to be creative again. My breath, my love, my light. May it shine through me like a lighter fire than all that still burns (darkly), past present, and yet not, with my wild heart, irrevocable.

How do we do it? How do I encorporate someone within this sizzled wire dream? Can I let this lighter fire be fuel for all that I no longer need, to see where I can possibly go? On my own but with another something hopeful, somewhat in tow?

I don’t know. But I am asking, throwing a cigarette that I don’t smoke (and I don’t) to the fire, to see where it will blow.

***

I loved what I wrote above. I usually write very quickly but that was so important to me, short as it is, that I worked on it for days.

One of the things that I understand now is that I did second guess, and constantly. I would ask questions like, “Do I deserve your love?” over and over for, as different as we are (and I pointedly made that clear too), I have never, ever, been treated so well by anyone.

We broke up two days ago.

Such a good man.

I wish all Peace, all Joy to him. I wish the same for me too.

Happy Birthday to me (rebirth day?), soon, 49.
Thank you dearly for all of the support of my beautiful family and community.
I love you so much,
Heather

53 comments

  2. I'm hopping over from Stephen's blog and have read some of your archived posts. What a journey. I can completely relate. It sounds like you made the right decision. We all deserve to be honoured in the way that works for us. Happy belated birthday.

  3. Missing you and hoping that you're using this time away from us to re-center and continuing to build a rewarding life. Wishing you blessings and comfort.

  6. Birthdays are of no importance in my family. I wouldn't care for any acknowledgement of my birthday, for instance. People are all different

  7. I have no idea why I have missed these last few posts. I enjoy your wrong and images. Happy belated birthday/

  10. Well, both make me smile.I love the grace under pressure of both you and Heather, ditto the honesty and skill with words, and I wish both of you the best. Sorry I found this late, but the snort of laughter when I read your comment did me a lot of good!

  12. Heather, I have followed your blog and wept and rejoyced with you for a long time. I apologize for not commenting before this. Your eye and your prose are luminous. Gentle hugs and happy birthday!

  13. Dear "Bliss Bliss"……Wise words, indeed……as I've learned, much to my sorrow, over the past five years. Polonius's words about keeping one's own counsel while being "to thine own self true" ring rather bitterly for me these days. I do think that Heather (whom Idon't pretend to know at all well) does fine job of walking that tight-rope in her public writings. —-david terry

  15. Greets from across the pond….I have found this statement to be true for me:

    I will continue my focus to be very careful about who I share good news with and very careful
    about who I share bad news with while seeking to make friends with people that want the
    best for me, as I for them.

    These, I believe, are hallmarks of good friendships.

  16. Dear "Anonymous"……LOOK!…..validation!!!. I thought of you just this morning while reading the NYTimes. It remains that, while I haven't known women who do things to their hair after a break-up (I have known a few who've staged a major bonfire of their boyfriend's various vanities when he failed to clear them out of her house), it doesn't follow that I "wouldn't" know them. I just don't happen to have known such a woman, thus far. In any case?….You're QUITE RIGHT. Here's an article by a woman who drove over 20000 miles to get her hair cut after a break up. Go to:
    https://www.nytimes.com/2018/08/10/style/modern-love-driving-2130-miles-for-a-haircut.html?rref=collection%2Fsectioncollection%2Ffashion&action=click&contentCollection=fashion&region=rank&module=package&version=highlights&contentPlacement=5&pgtype=sectionfront

  17. Dear "Anonymous", I'd have to have a bit more (which wouldn't be difficult) of a clue as to who you are before I answered that publicly. Certain facts are already far too publicly known (for his sake, not mine). Suffice it to say that, among other issues, he won't live to be as old as I am now……which has utterly nothing to do with the divorce, but remains an issue for me. It's rather hard to achieve "closure" (a vague-something I've never really believed in, but which folks talk about a lot) when your spouse not only has a disastrous affair, but also informs you, two years later, that he has a rapidly advancing, terminal disease (which, in fact, he does; I checked). I think that's a sufficiently discreet reply from me. Sincerely, David Terry. Quail Roost Farm, Rougemont, NC

  18. Have you thought about getting a job? It can be a good way to meet people and form friendships. After being in the trenches of a restaurant with some great people for 17 years, many of these people are still my very best friends many years later. Getting up every day and getting showered, dressed, and having to be somewhere is a good thing for a number of reasons. And at this age, definitely make it something you think you might have always wanted to try.
    You could still be a photographer.
    Just a thought offered with the best of intentions; I don't know your circumstances, of course. Take care.

  19. "Thank you. NEXT!" Ha! Well, that was fine in my twenties, and they were lined up, but now there are less eligible, worthy, self-sufficient men about at my current age. Fortunately, I've come upon a lovely one. He needs a bit of polishing, but he's worth it, and a keeper I do believe. Nobody's perfect but we make each other laugh; isn't that the most important thing?

  22. David Terry:
    I simply suggested the girl do something fun and uplifting for herself since she had broken up with her boyfriend. You don't get it obviously, and I'm sure you won't, so just drop it. Women often do something to their hair after a breakup to cheer themselves up, but that's something you wouldn't know of course.

  23. All my wishes for your Birthday! Everything is happening for a purpose.

  24. Jan…..which "delightful image"?…..Tiny Edna St. Vincent Millay dynamiting her way rock ledges or me in a dress? Both are pretty scary, actually…..
    best wishes, david terry

  25. Dear Anonynmous, I did, indeed, "get it". I'm well aware that one doesn't necessarily begin eating healthily and exercising more regularly by "announcing" the matter. It would remain, however (and quite in despite of your markedly Nancy "Just say No!" Reagan-ish exhoration to "Just do it!") aware that the vast majority of folks do not "just do it" and, in fact, need help, support, "coaching", etcetera. Glad, I suppose, to hear that, apparently, you don't. Good for you.

    More to the point, I remain unsure as to why, when a reader suggests that Heather "indulge" (and I quote) herself to a meal and "A glass" (and I quote) of rose or champagne, you automatically begin suggesting that she was about to overindulge. I, for one, hadn't assumed that she was going to eat two cheeseburgers and wash them down with an entire bottle of Kahlua. As far as I've gathered over the past ten or so years, Heather spends about half of her days taking VERY long walks, meditating, and/or doing yoga. And, to be honest?….I don't know about you, but I wouldn't tell a woman on any day (much less her birthday) that she ought to spend some money and go get a "good" haircut. It's perfectly fine to say (but only if the woman has expressed dissatisfaction with her currently haircut) "Well….try something NEW". I can't imagine my ever advising a woman to get a "good" haircut, anymore than I'd tell a friend "Why don't you go get a decent car?". Not entirely incidentally?…..one of the most regular compliments Heather has received from readers over the years is what beautifully colored hair both she and her sister have. In any case, I thought it amusingly censorious of you to be informing Heather (who's not exactly known for posting about her latest alcoholic and binge-eating benders after a breakup) to consider eating right and exercising regularly. Thanks, nonetheless, for informing me that I can have "fun" with my friends without overeating and getting drunk. That had never occurred to me before just now. What a revelation. Sincerely, David Terry

  26. What very sound advice, Marsha. Of course, my first reaction is to wonder whether men or women are more likely, during the beginnings of a relationship, to be off-put by too many introspective or "heavy" questions. I don't know, of course, since I'm in the odd position of not only never having been a woman, but also of never having dated one. Still, I can imagine that (for either sex) being constantly questioned about one's sincerity, depth of feeling/?commitment", plans for the future, etcetera……well, I may be hyper-irritable, but I would feel as though I'd gotten into a car with a three year old who kept peppering me with "Where are we GOING?" and "Are we THERE YET?????".
    I should admit that I did regularly (usually when I found myself doing something that even I recognized as exasperating, such as lengthily and instantly recounting some supposed "trouble" during my day of working at home, and to a spouse who went out to work each day) find myself saying (not asking)….."I don't know why you put up with me". I'm lucky in that the inevitable answer was, for twelve years running, "Because I love you, you idiot".
    sincerely,
    David Terry

  27. In Greece the birthday greeting is the same as the New Year greeting: Kronia Polla! It means happy new year. . .and that is what a birthday really represents. . .a new year in which you can mold into the world you want it to be. Don't dwell on the day and whether or not it was as you'd hoped (many of us have had less than spectacular birthdays) and focus on the year ahead. May it be all that you make it ~

  28. Happy Birthday, Heather! And thank you for a beautiful blog post, poignant and sensitive. Is there any way we can help you regain your creativity? To me you definitely still have it, both in words and in pictures. And talking of pictures, I'd like to thank David for giving me such a delightful image!

  30. Happy Birthday, Heather!

    That which does not kill you, makes you stronger. Including internet scolds.

    Perhaps relationships are like auditioning. ¨Thank you. NEXT!¨

  31. Ahhh! My marvelous raven-haired beauty of a friend. It is okay to question worthiness after a long relationship. I *often* asked James, again and again and again, how do you know after a marriage, that another one will work out?

    Are you in the U.S. ? We could try for a phone natter (regardless of what country you are in … just thinking of time zone logistics). You are loved.

  32. Happy Birthday, darling. I think you need to find "something" you enjoy immensely and dive into it. Asking someone questions as you said you were asking aloud or silently inside your head, is bowing to some kind of insecurity inside you. This needs to be worked on by you. Seriously. In the beginning of any relationship it needs to be fun, not introspective and sharing so much of your soul. His daughter will always come first, because she WAS first. This is normal. I'm so sorry you are still having these questions. Find a therapist as soon as possible, and pour your heart out to the professional. Please believe me, they help. None of us are perfect, none of us see ourselves that way, but when you make someone else declare their considerations of you, that's not fair to them, and it's very immature of you. All the others can get mad at me, but I've known you so long, and I championed you in the beginning, when you definitely didn't understand why. Stand Tall.

  33. Happy birthday Heather, Enjoy yourself on the day!
    I agree with much of what has already been written, especially Laura, Elizabeth & Carolyn, so I won't add to what they have already said.

  34. Happy Birthday! I am sorry for your breakup but I cannot help but think that if you thought something was off, it was. Never doubt your intuition. When it is the right time you will find love if that is what you desire but in the meantime enjoy life.

  35. Beautiful photograph. Lovely lyrical words. You're so creatively gifted. You have been redefining what you're looking for in a relationship, and you're now closer to finding it. This sounds corny, I know, but try loving and appreciating yourself more. You do deserve love and when you know it, you will attract it. Have a wonderful birthday and beautiful year ahead.

  36. Sending you birthday love, and just lots of love in general. Breakups are hard, no matter how civilized…in the end, you are wise to listen to your gut when it's telling you something is "off". xoxo

  38. First, Happy Birthday to you, dear Heather!
    Be glad you met him and that you experienced one another. If the two of you were as different as you said, then better to move forward.
    Not to sound cliche', but your positive attitude and creative fortitude will lead you to the one you are supposed to be with. Continue to trust yourself, no matter how much ebb & flow occurs. That's the way we all roll, like it or not.
    When you meet the right man, these difficult times will simply be a vague memory of past lessons.
    Thinking of you and wishing the very best for you!?

  39. Happy Birthday Heather! You are right, we must each find our own way. So, this is not advice…just my perspective…my journey. Treating someone well is a requisite. No extra points are earned for being gracious and kind. Nor is anything less given a pass. I learned long ago that there are many kind, decent people in this life, and their friendship is a gift. But, for anything deeper, my soul needs to be fed, and that is a more difficult find…still searching! Love to you, Heather, every day! Angela Muller

  40. You have such a depth of inner strength or you wouldn't be as resilient as you are. I wish you a very happy beginning of this new year in your life. Someone will fall in love with you just because of who you are. happiness is around the corner.

  41. Sorry David Terry, I guess you just didn't get it. You don't "announce" that you are going to start eating healthy and exercise; you just do it. Also, the haircut and dress were for a girl to treat herself for her birthday, not you, and has nothing to do with whether your family and friends want to treat you also. You can have fun with friends and still not overindulge.

  42. The picture you took – that deserves to be in a gallery or museum. Seriously.

    (I appreciate your blog so much. You write eloquently, honestly and with empathy and it helps me to know that there are other sensitive souls dealing with the same things. So: Thank you and Happy Birthday!).

  43. Oh, "anonymous"……For better or worse, my first reaction is to wonder how my family and friends would have reacted last month if I'd announced on my birthday that I was giving up food and alcohol, and, instead, treating myself to a new haircut and dye-job, and a pretty new dress.
    Amusedly,
    David Terry

  44. Happy Birthday Heather. So, this relationship is now over but not all is lost. You learned that it is indeed possible to love again; so perhaps this was not 'the' relationship but it was part of your healing process. Take all those good things that you felt with him, learn from them, build on them, and keep looking forward.
    Go out and celebrate your birthday – maybe on your own spoiling yourself at a spa, or a walk on the beach or perhaps with friends. Whatever you do – it is your day to do what you want – you don't necessarily have to be with someone. Stay strong

  45. Happy birthday Heather. May it be filled with beautiful things. Life likes to punch us in the gut every now and then, sometimes more often than usual. But we need to be stronger. Not easy, I know.

  46. Happy birthday most importantly! PS no way you are in a "lesser" place. Just the opposite in fact.

  47. Or instead of indulging in a meal, make it the day to begin cutting out indulgences of food and drink, take a long walk and do some exercising. Then spend the money instead on treating yourself to a good haircut and color or a new dress.
    Be the healtiest person you can be as the gift to yourself this year.
    You won't regret it, believe me. I know.

  48. Not clear if you asked him constantly or just to yourself, "Do I deserve your love?" If it was aloud to him, I can see why you broke up.
    How long were you together? Maybe it was just too soon for him to introduce friends and family.
    As for birthday thing, can't you celebrate on a different day? We're adults now. It's not as important to everyone as it was in your family.
    Only you and he, of course, know if this relationship didn't feel right.
    However, if you also told him out loud that you had never been treated so well by anyone else, (especially this early on) well, just, yikes. I know you are so very introspect-y, but this may be too much for another person early on in a relationship.
    Would it be possible to just enjoy yourself and enjoy the other person for awhile before hauling out insecurities? A lot of us are sensitive people as you are, but you can't pull this stuff out so early and so often on a potential partner.

  49. Raw and Courageous writing, Rocket .. the strength of your Creative Soul shines here! Bravo! Happy Birthday!

  51. We are constantly learning as we live life…we are more in tune with our feelings as we engage with others…
    you are on the right path although the ground beneath your feet may be rocky and you may sometimes stumble take heart and look ahead, a brighter future awaits.
    Celebrate your birthday and give yourself permission to enjoy the day, do something special, indulge in a meal and perhaps a glass of bubbly or rose…Cheers!
    XO

  52. Heather, I couldn't dive into this post without first pouring my morning tea, because I love drinking it with you. You are extraordinary and by continuing to work toward your vision of a creative life, you will at some point find an equally extraordinary partner. Don't give up, one foot in front of the other, one day or even just half a day at a time — and all that. Enjoy your birthday. Each circle around the sun is a gift. Sending love.

  53. Here's a poem for you on this birthday, Heather. I thought of it while reading the first section of your latest posting…….happy birthday, of course, and best wishes ——david terry

    Intention to Escape from Him
    Edna St. Vincent Millay, 1892 – 1950

    I think I will learn some beautiful language, useless for commercial
    Purposes, work hard at that.
    I think I will learn the Latin name of every song-bird, not only in
    America but wherever they sing.
    (Shun meditation, though; invite the controversial:
    Is the world flat? Do bats eat cats?) By digging hard I might deflect
    that river, my mind, that uncontrollable thing,
    Turgid and yellow, strong to overflow its banks in spring, carrying
    away bridges;
    A bed of pebbles now, through which there trickles one clear
    narrow stream, following a course henceforth nefast—

    Dig, dig; and if I come to ledges, blast.

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