How do we do it? When we try to love again, to let them know what matters to us without constantly second guessing how we go forward from here?
It’s not his fault. He has to pick up his daughter from a month long summer vacation at just what happens to be my birthday. Or thereabouts. And yet, in my family, The Birthday is sancrosanct. So what do I do?
I will celebrate in my own way. And yet this feels important. Just as does the pause in which he seems hesitant to introduce me to his friends, his family. I’ve noticed.
Listen, I am actually not asking for advice although it touches me that you want to take care of me. But perhaps we can remember together that we have to find our own way. Shaky waltzes and all. Trusting as we turn into the air.
It is hard to accept that perhaps, within that dance, I perceive that I am resolutely at a “lesser” place than I was a year ago, singing positive even while still so unsure. The notes ring false to my tuned ears. And I wrote about this last year too, and probably the year before. I am physically sick of this recurring doubt ebbing against resilience. But this is it, how we live, how we move. So called “mistakes” pump through us like our very blood, as do our everyday victories. Because where I will return to is all that I truly want, which is to be creative again. My breath, my love, my light. May it shine through me like a lighter fire than all that still burns (darkly), past present, and yet not, with my wild heart, irrevocable.
How do we do it? How do I encorporate someone within this sizzled wire dream? Can I let this lighter fire be fuel for all that I no longer need, to see where I can possibly go? On my own but with another something hopeful, somewhat in tow?
I don’t know. But I am asking, throwing a cigarette that I don’t smoke (and I don’t) to the fire, to see where it will blow.
***
I loved what I wrote above. I usually write very quickly but that was so important to me, short as it is, that I worked on it for days.
One of the things that I understand now is that I did second guess, and constantly. I would ask questions like, “Do I deserve your love?” over and over for, as different as we are (and I pointedly made that clear too), I have never, ever, been treated so well by anyone.
We broke up two days ago.
Such a good man.
I wish all Peace, all Joy to him. I wish the same for me too.
Happy Birthday Heather. So, this relationship is now over but not all is lost. You learned that it is indeed possible to love again; so perhaps this was not 'the' relationship but it was part of your healing process. Take all those good things that you felt with him, learn from them, build on them, and keep looking forward.
Go out and celebrate your birthday – maybe on your own spoiling yourself at a spa, or a walk on the beach or perhaps with friends. Whatever you do – it is your day to do what you want – you don't necessarily have to be with someone. Stay strong
Happy birthday Heather. May it be filled with beautiful things. Life likes to punch us in the gut every now and then, sometimes more often than usual. But we need to be stronger. Not easy, I know.
Happy birthday most importantly! PS no way you are in a "lesser" place. Just the opposite in fact.
Or instead of indulging in a meal, make it the day to begin cutting out indulgences of food and drink, take a long walk and do some exercising. Then spend the money instead on treating yourself to a good haircut and color or a new dress.
Be the healtiest person you can be as the gift to yourself this year.
You won't regret it, believe me. I know.
Not clear if you asked him constantly or just to yourself, "Do I deserve your love?" If it was aloud to him, I can see why you broke up.
How long were you together? Maybe it was just too soon for him to introduce friends and family.
As for birthday thing, can't you celebrate on a different day? We're adults now. It's not as important to everyone as it was in your family.
Only you and he, of course, know if this relationship didn't feel right.
However, if you also told him out loud that you had never been treated so well by anyone else, (especially this early on) well, just, yikes. I know you are so very introspect-y, but this may be too much for another person early on in a relationship.
Would it be possible to just enjoy yourself and enjoy the other person for awhile before hauling out insecurities? A lot of us are sensitive people as you are, but you can't pull this stuff out so early and so often on a potential partner.
Raw and Courageous writing, Rocket .. the strength of your Creative Soul shines here! Bravo! Happy Birthday!
Oh David, Yes! We had a neighbor back in Concord, Massachusetts, Ivan Massar, who was an accomplished photographer — his images appeared in Paris Match and Life Magazine, among many other notable publications. Here's his bio: http://ivanmassar.com/biography/ But he also illustrated a book of Millay's poems entitled, "Take Up the Song" (https://www.amazon.com/Take-Song-Edna-Vincent-Millay/dp/0060154616). You might enjoy it.
We are constantly learning as we live life…we are more in tune with our feelings as we engage with others…
you are on the right path although the ground beneath your feet may be rocky and you may sometimes stumble take heart and look ahead, a brighter future awaits.
Celebrate your birthday and give yourself permission to enjoy the day, do something special, indulge in a meal and perhaps a glass of bubbly or rose…Cheers!
XO
Heather, I couldn't dive into this post without first pouring my morning tea, because I love drinking it with you. You are extraordinary and by continuing to work toward your vision of a creative life, you will at some point find an equally extraordinary partner. Don't give up, one foot in front of the other, one day or even just half a day at a time — and all that. Enjoy your birthday. Each circle around the sun is a gift. Sending love.
Here's a poem for you on this birthday, Heather. I thought of it while reading the first section of your latest posting…….happy birthday, of course, and best wishes ——david terry
Intention to Escape from Him
Edna St. Vincent Millay, 1892 – 1950
I think I will learn some beautiful language, useless for commercial
Purposes, work hard at that.
I think I will learn the Latin name of every song-bird, not only in
America but wherever they sing.
(Shun meditation, though; invite the controversial:
Is the world flat? Do bats eat cats?) By digging hard I might deflect
that river, my mind, that uncontrollable thing,
Turgid and yellow, strong to overflow its banks in spring, carrying
away bridges;
A bed of pebbles now, through which there trickles one clear
narrow stream, following a course henceforth nefast—
Dig, dig; and if I come to ledges, blast.