I often bemoan the difficulties with my memory. Words, in either English or French, are almost there but disappear with the wisp of a powder puff. In their stead, I will pounce upon useless details that serve nothing. At times I am fearful for the future, wondering if there will be nothing left but dust. And so I document, in thoughts and pictures, events that I would be better off simply enjoying, in order to safe guard them somewhere. An external hard drive of my life.
And yet there can be certain upsides to my state. I keep my favorite novels on the shelf, knowing that I will be able to reread them anew with only the vaguest recollections, touch points of a ship bobbing on the tide. I experienced a similar moment of “oh, yes” today at the market, watching a young woman tuck a paper-wrapped bouquet of peonies under her arm. “I love peonies,” I remembered.
And so I walked up past the baskets of strawberries to the flower stand for the first time in months, since autumn, having let orchid statues fill the vases past their winter due date. The seller smiled with surprise to see me. “It has been a long time.” It has, I nodded. He knows that I prefer lighter colors, white whenever possible, yet steered me towards coral tight-fisted blooms. As I was preparing to pay, he turned as he often does to grab their paler cousins and wrapped them too, a gift. “They won’t last past the weekend anyway.” I gave my sincere thanks, for that is what they were and wished him a Bon Weekend.
Arriving back at the apartment, I stacked my red peppers and tomatoes, leaving the flowers for last, until even after having wiped down the kitchen. I reached up into the glass cabinet to bring down the right vases and trimmed the stems. Lowering the bouquets into water, I arranged them with tiny pushes, a balancing act and was content with my work. Content with the soft feathering petals and light smoke of fragrance. Content in recognition, the pleasure of forgetting.
oh! oh! oh!
folds and CLOUDS of creme and vermillion.
*sighs*
and a lovely story.
quelle beauteousness.
About 5 years ago I suffered a dtroke which left me with huge wholes in my long term memory. It is very disconcerting because I am never quite sure what might have occurred long ago but I often have an idea. I sometimes feel like I am in a Roshomon like film.
Good post.
Lovely, lovely. And sometimes I think peonies are at their most beautiful just past their prime. Thanks for the photos of my favorite flower.
I well understand the urge to document, lest the specific riches of a day sink too deep to find in the pool of memory. And I know how the very act of documenting can distract from the enjoyment of those riches in the moments they present themselves. I did not document whole decades of my life, and when I first try to remember a specific from those decades, I usually come up blank. But then, a cue, often from those who lived with me through those decades, brings the specific I'm seeking closer to the surface, and I realize that the memory of it is with me after all. It just takes a certain stillness of mind, and/or a very simple cue, to retrieve it. My guess is that that is true for you too. In your future, there will be abundance from your past, and it will not be in the form of dust (or what you have recorded on the external hard drive of your life).
Speaking of a cue…your mention of how words, in either English or French, are sometimes just beyond reach (while useless details are front and center), brought back memories from the times I have lived abroad. While I always had a dictionary for the language of the area where I was living, I found that I equally needed an English dictionary. The longer I lived in a non-English-speaking area, the more difficult it became to find the English words I also needed. I was told that that was an inevitable result of my becoming part of a culture in which I rarely spoke English. Would you like me to send you an English dictionary?
Happy Mother's Day, Heather! I hope Ben and Kipling took you (and Remi) on a lovely walk. Merrily, Leslie in Portland, Oregon
WOOF WOOF WOOF>>>>>HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY from your four legged BEASTIES!
It is nice to forget, isn't it? I've been trying it to forget unnecessary family drama before our upcoming wedding. I have to say, it hasn't been easy.
This post reminded me that it is possible and perhaps all it takes is a simple task like purchasing flowers. Thank you for giving me a "wow" moment as well. : )
So glad you enjoyed this beautiful, Suze. You have given me so very, very many "wow" moments that if I can occasionally toss another back at your feet from time to time it makes me a happy camper.
Gros Bisous,
H
Wow. Just wow. There is *such* a delicacy in the photographs of the petals, I'm a little floored. Beautiful braid of words, concept and imagery, Heather.
Thank you beautiful Sister, Mom of Lucy! Have a wonderful time tonight and toast our gorgeous and amazing Mom for me please…it was great to talk to you yesterday–that too is what life is all about. 🙂
Me loves my Sister!
Thank you so much for your beautiful comment, Jenny. Today is a day for me to appreciate my Mother more than anything. I wish that I were closer to give her flowers in person! And thank you for the encouragement about the book…thinking about it…