As a self-respecting Golden Retriever, Ben has his priorities straight. What do you need to be happy in life? Food. It’s just that simple. That and yes, some affection but since he has so much of that, he tends to focus the vast majority of his efforts on achieving his primary goal. Through the years, he has honed his technique down to a fine science, one that is applicable to many of life’s obstacles.
STEP ONE: STAKEOUT
How on Earth can you expect to get what you want if you don’t even know where the object of your intentions is? In this case, that would be me, the person who will eventually feed him his dinner at 6pm or so. Just to be on the safe side, from 4pm on, Ben doesn’t let me out of his sight. Although his first line of fire is under my desk, he is ready to travel a yard or two if I happen to change rooms.
Like any seriously minded creature, Ben knows the importance of being prepared. Bring friends if need be, get comfy because this step may take several hours. If at all possible, casually keep in physical contact with your subject, it can’t hurt.
STEP TWO: DENIAL
As Step One becomes more and more tiresome to your subject, she may get annoyed with you. This doesn’t serve your purpose, so immediately switch into a “Who Me? I don’t know what you are talking about” type of stance to throw her off the trail. If she persists, hold your breath and stare off into the distance as if you were a statue. Perhaps she will forget you are there and no longer be annoyed.
STEP THREE: UNNERVE YOUR OPPONENT
As the last tactic is very difficult to pull off and should only be attempted by a seasoned professional, there is always the easier choice of unnerving your opponent. Make yourself scarce and after an appropriate pause, as subtly as possible, stare at said subject with one eye peeking out from behind a safe zone. Use your Jedi mind training to focus all of your energy like a laser beam.
Use whatever materials are at hand. Don’t worry she really won’t see you, only feel the strength of your will. Warning: if not executed correctly, this step may backfire, leaving your object in a fit of the giggles.
STEP FOUR: UTILIZE VELVET PAINTING EYES
Once you have successfully persuaded the object of the importance of your wishes, move to Step Four. Again, it is important to position yourself in the immediate proximity and do whatever it takes to give your saddest, most pitiful look. Yes, like those clowns in the paintings that are on black velvet. Practice this look in a mirror when you are alone. The idea is to evoke utter pity, one for a beast that has not eaten since morning and might fade away if not immediately attended to. This might just be your step to victory.
STEP FIVE: ANGER
If amazingly, you are dealing with someone who has a heart of stone, then it is perfectly acceptable to fight fire with fire. Get mad! Bark if you need to! The slitty eyed “I curse you” glance can be especially effective.
STEP SIX: NUDGING
Desperate times call for desperate measures. At this point, you have no other choice. Force the object of your intentions to deal with you. Feel free to plop down by her chair with your back towards her so that you are sitting on her feet. She is trapped and must do your bidding. Either that or, if you are up to it, try a multi-combo move incorporating Step Four by placing your head on her lap and blaze her with the Velvet Painting Eyes. This will work nine times out of ten.
STEP SEVEN, THE FINAL FRONTIER: UTTER CUTENESS
If by some horrible tragedy, none of the previous steps have worked, well then, it is time to pull out all of the stops. This takes reflection and planning. What is the exact expression that will cause her to crack on this precise day? Will the “Slow tail wag in addition to the goofy grin” work? Not always. This is a freestyle, creative move but once you have mastered it and the rest of the steps, then the world is yours!
Ben and I hope that you have learned from his vast experience. For readers in Provence, he is available as a life coach for a nominal fee.
I am just smiling ear to ear, Heather – we have a Golden Retriever Grand dog who comes for sleepovers who works us over like this for his morning Treat…somehow more critical than his big dinner! I will show him this post so that he will know we are on to him, but love him all the same. And yes, HIS velvet-painting eyes slay me every time!!
Love, love this post!
I truly recognize Ben's moves because Bella uses all of them and one more I noticed Ben does not…if all else fails, she whimpers. Maybe boys cannot get away with that one. Still Ben is adorable and I also would have to give in to his velvet-painting eyes.
All the best…Victoria
Elizabeth, yes, I do understand M. Louis' belief that he is human, often I wonder if Ben feels the same especially as he spends more time with us than other dogs. I do firmly draw the line at "bebé" though he is most certainly a cherished member of the family!
Debra, you made me laugh! Yes, our Goldens have a language, a way of being all of their own, don't they?
Chere Contessa, yes of course Ben has his woobies. He carries them around wherever he goes, they are his buddies. 🙂
Jeanne, isn't Uggie also a wire hair fox terrier? Or am I confusing him with Asta of the Thin Man fame?
Oh Ben, you are too much! You should meet Lila, the wire hair fox terrier who belongs from my parents, and who has trained them unbelievably well. You could share a few tricks, because obviously you are masters of technique!
Heather, this post had me giggling. So funny, and I have to say that tricky Ben is adorable. I'd give in, too!
BEN THE DIVINE!Gorgeous bit of information you have shared with us dog owners………..I see he has a collection of stuffed babies too!Good to know he knows how to work you!!They give us such joy these four legged animals.Give him a special treat for modeling in this post!
xoxox
I am so smiling…now I get it! I didn't understand all the moves Dylan dog was showing me I thought he was simply being a whackadoodle. Ben is such a cutie and what a good sport for showing us his techniques. I love this post!
XX to all of you!
Debra
I had a giant smile on my face whilst reading this. Thank you. Ben is a character and a bit of a charmer too!
My girlfriend Ange (French) has M. Louis, a spanadore with an identity crisis – he thinks that he is human and insists on sleeping with her. For Ange, M. Louis is her "bebe". Like Ben, M. Louis loves his stuffed toys and regularly lines them up at Ange's feet when he wants something, which is usually food too!
Bonne semaine
P.S. You ware a wonderful writer.
Thanks everyone for your fun responses. I loved putting this post together–although it took a long time to get all of the photos! 🙂 And yes, Ben does go through this all every single day, unless I surprise him by feeding him early when he looks, frankly, relieved. 🙂
Have a great Monday!
You mean he has to go through this performance on a daily basis? You must have passed on your old acting skills to him, methinks. He is a star artist. How can one dog have do many expressions in those same adorable eyes? (And I think I have it tough. I just have to deal with a neurotic lorrikeet who will screech if he doesn't get icecream, a crazy cat who will steal asparagus if it isn't offered fast enough and a couple of tame magpies who tap on the kitchen window when they fancy a slice of finest cheddar.)
Gorgeous post Heather! Hugs to the star! Virginia x
This is so funny. And I definitely giggled right around the time you talked about giggling. You must have had so much fun doing this one!