I watched two couples sitting directly across from me at different tables while dining out in Aix. The first was quite young, very hip. Each held their Blackberry in hand and texted away while waiting for their food to come, at times giggling separately over some funny exchange they were having. The other couple, perhaps in their forties with a young baby in a stroller at their side, sat staring off in to space, the man with a slight lift to his chin as if to say that he was literally above it all, the woman slightly slumped and gazing at a far away point on the cobblestones. “They must be fighting, “I thought to myself. But no, I realized as the meal progressed, that was just how they behaved together as when they did speak they were quite amiable. Two couples, both together and yet completely disconnected.
Is it just a symptom of our current culture? To be connected virtually en permanence (and by that I mean cell phones, the internet, the whole shebang) as well in the life where we live and breathe. We are carrying around two worlds on our shoulders and even Atlas would have had to struggle under the weight.
How many blogs do we follow? How many comments do we leave? How do I feel about the activity or lack of it on my own blog? These are certainly questions that I never thought about until a year ago and as I actually have the luxury of time at this phase in my life they are not usually pressing ones. But I wonder for others, are choices made? It is certainly simpler, more accessible to keep up our online friendships. I am frequently delightfully surprised by the generosity of spirit that I see on blogs, including on my own. Is it becoming easier for us, in this day and age, to open ourselves up to people that aren’t actually there in front of us? Not that my sentiments aren’t genuine in the virtual world (far from it) but I do rush the process of getting to know someone (assumptions abound and I have found myself guilty of making them as well). I can run leaping with open arms in a manner that would be impossible in face to face time.
Conversely, I feel that the traditional idea of friendship is pulling back on itself, like the exposed belly of a snail that has been touched by a pinkie finger. Granted that could just be my age. In France, couples in their forties tend to get together only with other couples who have children the same age, which seems less about friendship and more a communal baby-sitting. Again, a matter of convenience. I have come to see that what can pass for friendship today is at times an extended, more sociable form of acquaintance.
If you give of yourself, you give freely but it currently seems that often, not always, the receiver of those affections, efforts, what have you, no longer feels the need or impetus to return said energy even in the smallest way. It is now socially acceptable just to take and I can’t help but think it is linked to the same disconnection mentioned earlier. Tightly wrapped, each in our own bubble. Do we value each other less now? And the importance of shared experience? I know that personally, my interactions as of late have left me disappointed and yet have increased my need to feel liked (my own juggernaut). Remi and I have had some good conversations about all of this and what we actually need from relationships at this point in our lives. Less is more and quality is the divider of the equation.
Does it just come down to time, finally? This shift? One of the many reasons that I cancelled my Facebook account was that I was tired of living off of the scraps of friend’s lives. Anecdotes do not a friendship make in my book. I see repeatedly on blogs throughout the internet that people feel like they are desperate for more time but where has their time gone? Is it just due to additional work hours? I am asking genuinely (so no attacking please), from the point of view of someone who has admitted to having time because I see that in France people do actually have free time but not necessarily the desire to share it. Either way, this vacuum has to have an effect on the definition or even the possibility of true friendships. Has technology filled the gap? Are we creating a virtual experience that is impossibly more appealing than reality?
I know that I am asking many questions but I have a few more: do you feel that you have as many close friends as you used to? Are you spending as much “face time” with them? For those of you that have teenage children, do you see them connecting with their peers and constructing lasting relationships?
My Mom was having trouble with her phone the other day and despite repeated attempts, we soon understood that conversation that day would be impossible. She could hear me but I could not hear her and so I was left to tell her that I love her before saying, “Good-bye” in the void. She sent me an email a few minutes later, a quick reply to say that she loves me too.
Sue and Lilly, thank you for your thoughts–it has been so interesting to hear so many different points of view. And I would just add that Lilly, so many people have those same fears, I would just try to reassure you that we are not as alone as we think we are…Sue, it is great to hear that you know that the friends that you have met online are there for you.
Dash, I am so glad that you came back after your "tea"–I don't think that I would have had the will! You and I clearly have so much in common in our circumstances but also in our outlook. Every single thing that you had to say hit home with me. Like you, I previously had many different types of friends from all walks of life–I never even gave it a second thought. And yes, now that has narrowed greatly. I too miss the friends that know me inside and out (although at times I am, admittedly, relieved by the lack of emotional baggage).
One way in that we differ is that I am not involved in the expat community, having only one couple of friends that are Anglophones. I have written a bit on the language barrier that exists for me in making close French friends despite that I speak rather well now. Do you feel that to be true as well?
I started to write this comment and then stepped away to have lunch with Remi. Something that you wrote made an important click with me in the interim. It is that I had let some very real interests of mine go to sleep because I had no one to share them with (and little direct access–for in NYC I would just go and pursue them on my own if need be). And what a shame that is. But on the internet, through blogs, I am finding people who celebrate those interests–your blog is a perfect example of that. I swear when I first saw it that it was like a sort of homecoming. Just as was finding Jane and Lance for their graciousness, Virginia for her informed openness…I could go on! I am so incredibly grateful. Yet another reminder that it is a big world with some truly incredible people in it. True, we can't just pop over for a glass of wine at the end of the day but we can connect over our love of Hurrell or old houses, what have you.
I am going to try focusing on all the rich connections that I do have in my life, rather than dwelling on those I do not…
Hi Heather, I really loved this post because I have been thinking a lot lately about real life friendships and virtual ones.
Here is the thing, I am in an odd situation but by no means unique. As you know I live in a remote part of France, I do have friends here but they are all British expatriates and all in couples and although I value the friendships I have here, I do miss my friends who are now far, far away. In the past I have had friends in couples, single friends, divorced friends, friends with children, friends without, gay friends etc. Although I am part of a couple, I do miss the closeness of friends who know me very well, it is challenging getting close to people here and also meeting people who share similar interests. I think it would be almost impossible to live here as a single person and that worries me.
I started blogging to keep connected with the outside world and to fill a cultural gap, that I felt was missing from my life here. What I had not bargained for was all the wonderful, supportive people I have met through the blogging process, some of whom I have now met and have gone from being valued virtual friends to valued real ones.
I have loved reading all the thoughtful comments here and especially resonate with Jane and Lance's comment. Friendships like all relationships need to be worked on and we all need to feel valued and value others.
That was a long cup of tea wasn't it!
XXX
I hope I'm not too late in replying to this post, Heather. I was reading it on the iPad, while out to lunch with my husband, and didn't want to try to sign in – it can be finicky.
We usually can be seen at various local cafes enjoying breakfast or lunch, each with our own Kindle propped up. We love to read the same books, and discuss them, though we rarely get a chance to actually read while out together. Once a discussion starts, it doesn't end until we leave.
So while the electronics are there, they mostly go into screensaver mode, as we chat. And I try to leave my phone in the car, or at home, as that removes all temptations to check e-mail, the news, etc.
I've lost touch with most of my friends of the past, as we've nothing in common these days. As our children have grown up, we've moved on. My husband and sister are my best friends, and with school, work, etc, I don't have time for much more than that.
I've also become dissatisfied with the superficial acquaintance thing – it really doesn't fulfill any particular need of mine. And I doubt it helps them much either.
I have 'met' some wonderful people online, however, and some of those I've actually been lucky enough to meet in person. They've been there for me when I really needed them, and I feel blessed to know them.
Victoria, my mom felt the same way after my father died. However, it turned out that the couples they were friends with were going through their own trials, (early-onset Alzheimer's, divorce, cancer, etc.) and hadn't meant to exclude my mom. You just never know.
Finally, I must thank you, Heather, for asking such a great question, and for allowing comments on your blog. I enjoy reading the responses your readers leave. Lately, I've read several postings on other blogs, with no way to respond. It leaves one wondering why they bothered to ask?
Hi Heather,
I absolutely love what you wrote. So thankful someone else, along with Contessa and some other readers agree. I am knee deep in technology – not by choice so much as accident. I'm naturally organized and fell into digital asset management. Anyhow, I'm 48 and remember a kinder, gentler and more polite generation without technology; not what I see today. I have no idea where it's going, but my gut tells me it will only get worse. Living in Southern California I worry constantly what will become of me when my parents are gone. I'm so close to them. I have friends and cousins, but as you say, I put out most of the effort to stay connected and can't really count on very many people to help me if I were sick or needed help. This makes me very sad. I experimented with Facebook in the very beginning and when I noticed my cousin, who is terrible about keeping in touch with me or my parents, had over 300 friends, I thought this is simply idiotic. There were a few other things that happened to make me delete my profile of course and I've never looked back. I think tweeting is also silly (again this is my point of view). I'm on Linkedin for career purposes, but have slowly selected to not get any updates for various group discussions. Blogging takes a lot of time so thank you for taking time. I don't think I could keep up a blog. I love and value your thoughts! Thank you for the bottom of my heart. I'm hoping others might learn from this entry (especially those with children) and step slowly away from their devises and concentrate on what really matters. Human face to face conversations.
That's it, Virginia. I have been dancing around something in my head, trying to make the link between the types of friendships we made when we were very young, when we were still creating ourselves and our friends (at best) were a part of that process. So what kind of gammut is there for our adult friendships? Apparently a very wide one. At what level do we want to communicate and…is our online communication "real"? I know that I want those that are in my life to be honest, caring and respectful (I am not such a casual person in many ways and politeness is important to me). I want the connections that I have made online to be the same. And they are. And so that as is real as they need to be for me. If I have the opportunity to meet some of you one day, that would be amazing but if that doesn't happen, it certainly doesn't make our interactions less worthwhile.
As several of you have said, being able to find others not only with similar interests but perhaps (and for me more importantly) a similar understanding is such a gift. And how true that they arrive when we aren't looking–I loved that. As for those that come and go, I am realizing that I need to not be so attached to them. They are what they are and as Victoria wisely mentioned a light friendship is important too. We all need our girlfriends to go out to lunch with–we don't need to remake the world every single day! 🙂
Thank you to those of you who offered up a point of view on your teenagers–I was very curious and yes, their way of being also speaks of a fluidity that I am not sure we could have imagined. Although I do see a greater appreciation for the handmade, I do not see people being more honest and open at all. Actually, on a world level I think that honesty is often used as a catch-phrase for something else, as a bit of a cover-up but that is another loooong conversation!
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Right. Back again. Project meeting went brilliantly ~ thank you for the positive thoughts! (So exciting to walk about on the new foundations of the house, as we discussed how the build was progressing. I love this part of the building process!)
I brought up the topic of your ponderings last night at dinner, to see what my teenage children thought, as they have grown up in an age of all these electronic devices. I told them about your observations of the couple in the restaurant. They were horrified, but agreed that it is all too often true, they have seen the same thing. They then pointed out to my husband that he was currently checking his Blackberry as we were having this conversation. Haha~! (He put it away, shame-faced.) They thought the trouble was that electronic communication is too addictive, and that we haven't yet learnt to control the addiction.
I don't know…you have raised so many interesting points Heather!
I do think people are far more casual, and don't seem to place as much importance on manners or thoughtfulness as we used to. Eg, people are happy to break social engagements at the last minute, which seems to be becoming acceptable, as we all seem to have busier lives. But then, on the other hand, people are now a lot more honest and open, which is a great thing. So perhaps it is a pendulum effect, as social history generally is, where we lurch from one extreme to the other. At the same time as we are all getting busier and more dependent on electronic communication, there is also a return to hand made items, to home cooked meals, to veggie gardens in every balcony or back garden. Are the two connected? I suspect so.
And as for friendships, I have always believed there are two kinds. The first are shared experience ones, where the friendship holds as long as there is common ground (like school, uni, work colleagues, etc.) The second are those friendships where one just connects, soul to soul, and which do not require the common experience to form a bond. And the funny thing is, one can make those friendships anywhere, but only when one isn't looking. They are the wonderful friendships which just pick up where they left off, even if it has been a year or more in between seeing each other, and which grow as we grow. While the first kind just drop in, and out, of our lives as we travel along on our different chapters.
I would love to discuss this with you over a glass of excellent red wine and good bread because we could talk for hours on the topic, I suspect! But right now I need to go and cook fish with coriander pesto because there are more exams tomorrow in this studying house! Virginia xx