I watched two couples sitting directly across from me at different tables while dining out in Aix. The first was quite young, very hip. Each held their Blackberry in hand and texted away while waiting for their food to come, at times giggling separately over some funny exchange they were having. The other couple, perhaps in their forties with a young baby in a stroller at their side, sat staring off in to space, the man with a slight lift to his chin as if to say that he was literally above it all, the woman slightly slumped and gazing at a far away point on the cobblestones. “They must be fighting, “I thought to myself. But no, I realized as the meal progressed, that was just how they behaved together as when they did speak they were quite amiable. Two couples, both together and yet completely disconnected.
Is it just a symptom of our current culture? To be connected virtually en permanence (and by that I mean cell phones, the internet, the whole shebang) as well in the life where we live and breathe. We are carrying around two worlds on our shoulders and even Atlas would have had to struggle under the weight.
How many blogs do we follow? How many comments do we leave? How do I feel about the activity or lack of it on my own blog? These are certainly questions that I never thought about until a year ago and as I actually have the luxury of time at this phase in my life they are not usually pressing ones. But I wonder for others, are choices made? It is certainly simpler, more accessible to keep up our online friendships. I am frequently delightfully surprised by the generosity of spirit that I see on blogs, including on my own. Is it becoming easier for us, in this day and age, to open ourselves up to people that aren’t actually there in front of us? Not that my sentiments aren’t genuine in the virtual world (far from it) but I do rush the process of getting to know someone (assumptions abound and I have found myself guilty of making them as well). I can run leaping with open arms in a manner that would be impossible in face to face time.
Conversely, I feel that the traditional idea of friendship is pulling back on itself, like the exposed belly of a snail that has been touched by a pinkie finger. Granted that could just be my age. In France, couples in their forties tend to get together only with other couples who have children the same age, which seems less about friendship and more a communal baby-sitting. Again, a matter of convenience. I have come to see that what can pass for friendship today is at times an extended, more sociable form of acquaintance.
If you give of yourself, you give freely but it currently seems that often, not always, the receiver of those affections, efforts, what have you, no longer feels the need or impetus to return said energy even in the smallest way. It is now socially acceptable just to take and I can’t help but think it is linked to the same disconnection mentioned earlier. Tightly wrapped, each in our own bubble. Do we value each other less now? And the importance of shared experience? I know that personally, my interactions as of late have left me disappointed and yet have increased my need to feel liked (my own juggernaut). Remi and I have had some good conversations about all of this and what we actually need from relationships at this point in our lives. Less is more and quality is the divider of the equation.
Does it just come down to time, finally? This shift? One of the many reasons that I cancelled my Facebook account was that I was tired of living off of the scraps of friend’s lives. Anecdotes do not a friendship make in my book. I see repeatedly on blogs throughout the internet that people feel like they are desperate for more time but where has their time gone? Is it just due to additional work hours? I am asking genuinely (so no attacking please), from the point of view of someone who has admitted to having time because I see that in France people do actually have free time but not necessarily the desire to share it. Either way, this vacuum has to have an effect on the definition or even the possibility of true friendships. Has technology filled the gap? Are we creating a virtual experience that is impossibly more appealing than reality?
I know that I am asking many questions but I have a few more: do you feel that you have as many close friends as you used to? Are you spending as much “face time” with them? For those of you that have teenage children, do you see them connecting with their peers and constructing lasting relationships?
My Mom was having trouble with her phone the other day and despite repeated attempts, we soon understood that conversation that day would be impossible. She could hear me but I could not hear her and so I was left to tell her that I love her before saying, “Good-bye” in the void. She sent me an email a few minutes later, a quick reply to say that she loves me too.
Hello Heather,
Saw you on La Femme d'Uncertain Age, loved the photo with the dog, thought I'd stop by. Yes, I have fewer friends these day…by choice. At my age I finally realize that I'm not running for homecoming queen, so I choose my friends with great care. I prefer to have a few close friends. But I do feel disconnected sometimes…
I worry too, that young people do not know how to engage in person at all. A co-worker tells me that her daughter broke up with a boyfriend by texting him…how unfeeling and unkind. It's awfully easy to hide behind a keyboard!
I have come to realize that we live in a very different world these days and communicate via different methods, mainly different technologies. My teenage boys text, iChat and Facebook their friends rather than pick up a phone or even get together in person. Their phones are in their hands at all times and are rarely out of touch from their friends. I have come to see this is quite the norm, especially for teenagers and young adults , and have acknowledged that this is the best way to communicate with them, when not in their presence. I don't love it, but it does keep things private, if you so wish and at least they are in touch at all times. Email seems to be yesterday's snail mail and only used to send files or documents. Without a doubt, our young people have an easier time expressing themselves by means of a keyboard rather than vocalizing their thoughts. Is this a problem, possibly, but if everyone is doing it this way….you just have to adapt, I guess.
In my experience, friends seem to come and go based on where I am in life. I have a good friend who shares my passion for horses and is doing a similar juggle of work, husband and horse. My husband has a close friend who has remained like a brother for years — they were college roommates and are now in their 60s. I envy that. I'm with you on the FB thing.
Thank you so much Elizabeth! I think that I have read these comments at least three times now and there is still so much to take in. I am a slow thinker but a fast writer, I guess. 🙂
Victorian, I am quite used to hearing about friends disappearing after a divorce but I have to say that I was shocked to hear of how you were treated after your husband's passing. I am so sorry for your loss, your losses. People's behaviour just leaves me shaking my head. I think it is fantastic that you have joined a lunch group and I am grateful for the reminder that aquaintances can bring a lot of good too. And you most certainly were not blathering in my book, your point of view is so solid and your voice clear as a bell. Thank you.
Sally, really? You made my day, my week with your comment! I have always heard that Texans have big hearts and you are living proof of that. And yes, to answer your question, I definitely have been deeply disappointed by some very important friendships in my life–we all go through that at some point or another– but no, I am not lonely. I have a wonderful companion, a great dog, wonderful family and am happy spending time in my own company. I do think that you are absolutely right however about how differently people connect depending on where they live. Remi and I loved visiting when my folks were in San Diego because everyone was so incredibly open and friendly! The same is true in Bali. Here–and this is one giant generalization–people are much more reserved in the beginning but once they do open up it is usually to create a lasting friendship–but that can take years! I have also written about language being a factor too. I have had a harder time making real contacts with French women because my French wasn't always easy to understand, which required an effort on both parts. Again, thank you so much for saying hello–I hope that you will more often!
Debra, yes, I really understand. And you are so right? How many of us do have more than a handful of dear ones in our lives? I am so grateful to have my Mom and Sister and Remi. As for other old friends, like you, they are far away and I am not often in contact with them but I know they are there. It goes along with what we have chosen. And it is certainly true that we have met the most incredible people through our blogs, haven't we? And far more of a mix of people than I ever did even while living in big cities like NYC or Paris!
Sister, you are brilliant and what you had to say about your Ego stories–ouch! Yowza! I will be thinking about that one for awhile to come. And oh it is so true, you are too far away. I miss you so much. Hopefully, soon.
Again, a huge thank you to everyone that shared their thoughts!
I have just finished reading the new responses to your blog. This is a fabulous thought provoking post that has generated a wonderful responses, the length of which indicated the quality of your post Heather. It is always a pleasure to read your blog – you write so eloquently. Warm regards.
I like your post! I only skimmed the comments, so I might be repeating others' sentiments. Friendships are tricky!! I think I have always felt "needier" than most but as I've gotten older, I have adjusted my expectations. That and maybe I've gotten less needy, and more happy with my own company! As far as face time, most of my friends here have families, so I understand that that takes precedence. And though I don't talk often to friends who live far away, when I do see them (as I did on a trip in August), it's as wonderful as ever! I have to be careful not to let my ego make up stories; once I got very worked up over a friend who rarely called me and proceeded to have a one-way "argument" – not talking to her (I'll show her!!), and she was oblivious to the whole thing! I try to remember that everyone is busy (they're not ignoring me!) and that if I want more connections with people, I try to do the reaching out. I, for one, don't mind virtual connections! I like facebook to know what people are up to, and am so happy to e-mail/facebook friends if we are too busy to talk. I think connections are connections – in face or online! One person I wish I had more face time with is my sister, who lives in France; I will admit that in that case, technology just does not cut it. : (
Le sigh.
You always write the most thought provoking posts and I love it, you’ve expressed something that has been on my mind a lot lately. Just the other night mister man and I were in a restaurant and beside us two ladies, one was trying to talk to the other but the other was busy on her iphone…WHY? You have a human being in front of you fighting a machine for some attention.
I don’t like cell phones and don’t own one but I know they have their uses. I’m only on the computer for fun like now only when the mister isn’t around or a sleep in front of the TV. I live a unique life out in the country somewhat removed from people and with the husband gone on business a lot I only have Dylan dog and he isn’t always up for a chat. The computer has helped connect me to people I would have never otherwise had the opportunity to have met in day to day, face to face life. While I love my life and don’t mind being alone I do love being with people and our quaint little town brings people of all ages together.
As for my close friends they’re spread far and wide in different countries and cities but they’re always there for me. I have few friends but who of us has more then a handful of close people in our lives? People who have come into our lives and touched them for more then a decade. While I prefer being with people face to face that isn’t always possible because of how I’ve chosen to live so for now I have my blog.
Hello, friends of Heather's! I've never written a post before so please bear with me. I am also not a blogger or professional writer.
I read several blogs and Lost in Arles is my very favorite. There are two reasons for this. I love the pictures and descriptions of Heather's' life and I have begun to feel like Heather is an unseen and "unmet" friend. I love Heather's honesty and openness and it hurts me to think that such a lovely woman is sometimes lonely or has been disappointed in friendships. Am I right, Heather? (decided to stop referring to you in the third person!)
As I have read all of your posts, I wonder if the different locales we live in could have a bearing on how much face to face interaction we have
with friends. I live in Texas and according to many people I've met, Texans are an especially friendly group. I'm not sure this observation is real–well, it IS real but I also wonder if Texans might be friendlier than most but not necessarily any more giving than most. A friendly hello is not the same as calling someone to meet for lunch, etc.
Oh dear, I've gone on way too long and have more to say–but will stop for now. I don't want to be ostracized for the length of this post!
Best wishes to all of you, Sally
It is so ironic, Heather, that a friend and I were having a conversation this morning on this exact topic. We are both inclined to have fewer friends rather than lots of acquaintances. I believe friendships require nurturing and time. I sometimes carry this too far and so I have decided to join a group of women who lunch once a week just to have more social interaction. I am surprised at how pleasant an experience it is. Sometimes a mere bagatelle is alright too.
As one of your readers said, friendships do change over time and some do not survive the test of time…nobody's fault, but perhaps the result of a change in circumstance. I know that when my husband died, many friends we had together disappeared. I had been told that would happen, so I was not surprised, but I must admit I was disappointed. Apparently for some, a friendship that involved couples no longer worked for them when I no longer was part of a couple.
I no longer live near most of my old, dear friends, but I don't think that matters when you can keep in touch (I prefer phone calls) and catch up. A face-to-face is not necessary for a meaningful and satisfying friendship. For that same reason, I like blogs, and I think we can establish rewarding friendships through them because we pre-select topics and people who have similar interests.
On the other hand, too much devotion to technology can isolate us from the people sitting right in front of us. A proper balance has to be found. That is why I am no longer interested in the chatter I see on facebook. I am not moving on to twitter or tumblir or any of the other new fads. I for one do not need, nor have time for, such superficial interaction.
Well talk about chatter, I have certainly blathered on long enough. Thanks for the interesting topic and have a great day.
Best…Victoria
Isn't that true Virginia. Hit the nail right on the head, as usual. Sending you good energy for your project meeting, friend. The storm has passed without too much thunder after all. What incredible comments are here. Yes, I have been thinking so much lately about certain relationships being for certain phases of our lives as both Elizabeth and Jane and Lance have mentioned–I danced around that subject in my post "Traces", albeit uncomfortbaly. Jane and Lance and Nathalie both touch on the allure of escapism as a possibility as well. Julie, I don't know if things will every go back–do they ever? I think this will just be a part of our vocabulary now but I really do hope that we can stop using the term "blog friend". I thought it interesting that in your definition of a real friendship, only "shared experiences" did not apply to online communications and even that sometimes seems to not be the case. As Elizabeth also felt, how incredible is it that we can somehow, like sifting for gold, find like-minded souls on the other side of the planet, or even in a town next door because of this? It is wonderful beyond belief. Just as it is quality not quantity that counts, right Contessa? And if we reconnect with a dear, greatly appreciated once lost friend than that is just the icing on the cake, isn't it? Yes, we all do need to feel valued, Jane and Lance and perhaps Linda, virtual interactions will help at some point to turn the tide and make us appreciate all the more those that are near us. It doesn't seem to be the case just yet, but perhaps you are ahead of schedule!
Oh my, I am heading off to sleep, what dreams I will have! Again, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on this, I know that it is a personal subject. Bon nuit!