I watched two couples sitting directly across from me at different tables while dining out in Aix. The first was quite young, very hip. Each held their Blackberry in hand and texted away while waiting for their food to come, at times giggling separately over some funny exchange they were having. The other couple, perhaps in their forties with a young baby in a stroller at their side, sat staring off in to space, the man with a slight lift to his chin as if to say that he was literally above it all, the woman slightly slumped and gazing at a far away point on the cobblestones. “They must be fighting, “I thought to myself. But no, I realized as the meal progressed, that was just how they behaved together as when they did speak they were quite amiable. Two couples, both together and yet completely disconnected.
Is it just a symptom of our current culture? To be connected virtually en permanence (and by that I mean cell phones, the internet, the whole shebang) as well in the life where we live and breathe. We are carrying around two worlds on our shoulders and even Atlas would have had to struggle under the weight.
How many blogs do we follow? How many comments do we leave? How do I feel about the activity or lack of it on my own blog? These are certainly questions that I never thought about until a year ago and as I actually have the luxury of time at this phase in my life they are not usually pressing ones. But I wonder for others, are choices made? It is certainly simpler, more accessible to keep up our online friendships. I am frequently delightfully surprised by the generosity of spirit that I see on blogs, including on my own. Is it becoming easier for us, in this day and age, to open ourselves up to people that aren’t actually there in front of us? Not that my sentiments aren’t genuine in the virtual world (far from it) but I do rush the process of getting to know someone (assumptions abound and I have found myself guilty of making them as well). I can run leaping with open arms in a manner that would be impossible in face to face time.
Conversely, I feel that the traditional idea of friendship is pulling back on itself, like the exposed belly of a snail that has been touched by a pinkie finger. Granted that could just be my age. In France, couples in their forties tend to get together only with other couples who have children the same age, which seems less about friendship and more a communal baby-sitting. Again, a matter of convenience. I have come to see that what can pass for friendship today is at times an extended, more sociable form of acquaintance.
If you give of yourself, you give freely but it currently seems that often, not always, the receiver of those affections, efforts, what have you, no longer feels the need or impetus to return said energy even in the smallest way. It is now socially acceptable just to take and I can’t help but think it is linked to the same disconnection mentioned earlier. Tightly wrapped, each in our own bubble. Do we value each other less now? And the importance of shared experience? I know that personally, my interactions as of late have left me disappointed and yet have increased my need to feel liked (my own juggernaut). Remi and I have had some good conversations about all of this and what we actually need from relationships at this point in our lives. Less is more and quality is the divider of the equation.
Does it just come down to time, finally? This shift? One of the many reasons that I cancelled my Facebook account was that I was tired of living off of the scraps of friend’s lives. Anecdotes do not a friendship make in my book. I see repeatedly on blogs throughout the internet that people feel like they are desperate for more time but where has their time gone? Is it just due to additional work hours? I am asking genuinely (so no attacking please), from the point of view of someone who has admitted to having time because I see that in France people do actually have free time but not necessarily the desire to share it. Either way, this vacuum has to have an effect on the definition or even the possibility of true friendships. Has technology filled the gap? Are we creating a virtual experience that is impossibly more appealing than reality?
I know that I am asking many questions but I have a few more: do you feel that you have as many close friends as you used to? Are you spending as much “face time” with them? For those of you that have teenage children, do you see them connecting with their peers and constructing lasting relationships?
My Mom was having trouble with her phone the other day and despite repeated attempts, we soon understood that conversation that day would be impossible. She could hear me but I could not hear her and so I was left to tell her that I love her before saying, “Good-bye” in the void. She sent me an email a few minutes later, a quick reply to say that she loves me too.
Hello Heather – this is such a fascinating conversation that I will be back later to add to it. I have a project meeting in a few hours and have to get my head around that, so do not dare stray my thoughts too far on this topic or I shan't make it to the meeting! Till then, know that our friendship is much valued even if we have never met face to face. Instead, we have met soul to soul. Virginia xx
I apologise for my late reply, but no apologies needed for the length of your thoughtful and poignant blog. Technology has provided people with options, some of which are isolating and hamper interaction and genuine conversation. For the current generation, the art of conversation appears to be diminishing and their self- absorption, growing. I closed my Facebook account for the same reason as you. After being told that a Twitter account was a "must", I opened one to realise that the interactions one has are superficial. However blogging has provided me with the opportunity to connect with people who have similar interests, whom I would not otherwise have the opportunity to meet. As social animals, we need to be a part of a community, and with our busy lives, perhaps blogging provides us with an opportunity to connect with others at a time which is convenient to us…..it is 6.14 am and here I am talking to you! When people converse face to face, their eyes do not make contact when they are thinking………sometimes it is easier to ”expose ourselves” and give an opinion when looking at a computer screen. True friends are rare gifts to be treasured and nurtured. They may change as we change. Perhaps we have fewer friends and more acquaintances, as we get older because we require deeper or different relationships with our friends as we gain more life experiences.
We have a thunder storm rolling in (Poor Ben is hiding under my desk) and so I am not going to risk losing a proper reply (Dash, I so feel for you and give you mega credit to even consider coming back but I would love to know what you think!). However, I would be remiss if I didn't at least give a very, very big THANK YOU to all of you who made it through that long, long post. I have much to chew on from all of your different or not so different points of view. I am so grateful for you all.
Great topic and thanks for the extra email encouraging me to come and read. The kid thing adds such a crazy wrinkle to friendships; it is frustrating beyond belief. I have a dear friend that I enjoy so much — she lives one mile away and has twin girls about one year younger. She's up at 8 and her girls nap 12 – 3 ; I'm up at 930, my girls nap 4 – 6. One mile! And we are totally hamstrung (?) by logistics.
Funny, the main reason I started my blog was to feel connected. All my younger twin mom friends — that's all they do. They blog. They arrange playdates via comments. They take pictures of their playdates and they blog about them. Seriously, for *3 years* I've turned a blind eye to it, hoping it was a silly fad, this blogging thing (I also declared that reality TV wouldn't last more than 4 years, ha ha, apparently I have zero idea of normal 'culture'). But every time we have a twin mom playdate, that's how they first connect, that is their ice breaker. "Hey, I saw that blog about the pumpkin patch, did you have fun?"
Now, maybe I'm just old and crotchety, but, seriously, if you actually read the blog you will see that child A had fun and child B liked the hay better and mommy was happy there were no tinkling accidents. So why even bother asking? Right?
So, as a blogless wonder, I'd wade into the twin playdate (and don't get me wrong; these women are my sisters, my life preserver, my sanity) and I'd say something like "hey, how's you dad doing?" And I'd get the answer "I blogged about it last week." Hmm. I often felt like they were offended I hadn't been following their blog. I should know better.
I started up my little blog (and abandoned it heartily this past week with relatives in town … ) and I'm not sure that it is connecting me more …. but!, it has reminded me how much I love to write.
And, frankly, I also started my blog because my long-lost 1980s NYC BFF was blogging and she was always way cooler than me (and still is, in some ways, with her fancy french lifestyle and cultured people in her life who drink fine wine, discuss art and [I assume] are good at putting bodily fluids in the appropriate vessels) … and what a lovely way for two people to, well, stay connected.
I think the internet and all this technology is like any new toy. Once the newness and thrill wears off, everyone will go back to the things that are ultimately sustainable and deeply nourishing, which are real friendships, made from shared experiences, shared history and mutual passions and respect.
In the meantime, I'm so glad we have all this tech, which lets us connect with, learn from and enjoy strangers who we're likely to never meet in real life.
As a journalist depending on magazine clients for my livelihood, the joy of writing a story and simply hitting "post" to see it published (rather than waiting two months or more) will probably always be a thrill. Which is one of the many things I love about blogging.
But it's all about balance, which is why I'm going offline now and back to the 'real' world. Ok maybe not right now but definitely within the next 1/2 hour!!
Hello Heather;
Quite a painful subject you touched. I agree that virtual friendships MAY BE friendships after all as we can find kindred spirits miles away but not around, and more and more often far away than near by.
A sincere desire to see someone or to leave a comment should be effortless, if it calls for an effort or even a slight forcing then it's not a genuine one. If you really want to meet someone or to do something eventually you always find time to be there not only physically (and stare into space) but with your heart and soul to be fully engaged, otherwise it doesn't make any sense.
Have you ever wondered about all those picture perfect Guest rooms, tablescaped dinner rooms or luxurious sitting areas meticulously designed with great taste and style, whom they are for?
The Loneliness on the Net by Polish writer J.l .Wisniewski was published in 2001 and was quite popular.
We probably are trying to live by Little Prince timeless values in heart but at the same time accept and adapt new reality and not to feel hurt by it.
Though…It's probably a gloomy November weather…
I'm for one always happy to meet you on your blog and send the best wishes from far away Toronto.
Heather I just spent ages writing a really long comment and just deleted it by accident, so frustrated am off to make a cup of tea, back soon!
OH MY right on target!Iam with you every step of the way on this topic!My husband and I stopped for an ice cream on Saturday eve.It was terrible the ice cream but beside that I was sitting next to a father with two kids that had just been to a soccer game.Dad checking his phone really doing nothing cause I peeked!When instead he should have been chatting with his boys about the game , ice cream etc!I also saw this happen on Bart where a woman and her small child were sitting.Mom on her phone, daughter trying so hard to get Mom's attention!I thought to myself how sad!Scary to think how these kids today will turn out!My biggest grip is they donot know they are being rude when conducting say a bank transaction with a teller.
I have very few friends at this time in my life.Perhaps, because as you say they werenot true friends.I cleaned house a few years ago.I found myself giving and giving and really very little in return.Almost fake friendship.As you stated when there are children involved people mingle together, but once the children have gone off it becomes a different scene!I could go on and on best stop now.
xoxoxo
Heather, you pose some thoughtful questions, and some that I have asked inside myself also. Bottom line, I think the shift we are seeing and experiencing is not an unhealthy one…friendships made online, although not face to face, ARE friendships. And the retreat to very selective physical/social interaction with others may just be a return to a our ancient way of surviving happily in our own space, and being delighted when we can actually see a friend's face – in person!
Hello Heather:
Quite uncannily,we can identify readily with so many of the observations on life in general and friendship in particular that you pose here. Our view would be that 'disconnection'is the order of the day for most people in most situations as if it is the escape to an isolated world is more valuable than responding directly with the gamut of social interaction that makes up daily life.
We firmly believe that friendships, relationships and even acquaintances to a degree have to be worked on in order to thrive. Whether that is by leaving comments for virtual friends,making an effort to meet and share time with people, showing an interest, keeping in touch etc. etc.without these social interactions one is left feeling less valued and, hence, less valuable.
We have found,however, that many friendships can be a product of a time or circumstance and do not necessarily last beyond that. Situations change and friendships do not always survive.