Just a thought

At the end of my yoga practice today, a sentence popped into my head: “you can’t change your past but you can change how your past controls you.” It is pretty unusual that I have something concrete like that arrive–I am usually thinking about what I am going to make for lunch! Oops!–so I thought that I would just put it out here. I know that most of my readers (and especially my friends that I interact with regularly) are mainly older than I am and probably wise enough to know this but then again, we all know that unfortunately age and wisdom do not always go hand in hand…

Now that I am definitely into my forties, perhaps it is time to re-examine some of the ideas that have defined me, shine a light on a different type of Little Monsters crouching in the dark and let them go. As if on cue, Remi brought in the mail and waiting for me is a big envelope from the Yale School of Drama. It is most likely the annual directory that lists which of my fellow actors are working, where they have gone. Now usually this is the quickest route imaginable towards reducing me to a sobbing Marlon Brando in the back of a taxi cab. The whiplash of “could haves”. But instead I will remember, actively remember, that all of those past choices lead me to exactly where I am today: sitting at my antique desk in front of a 19th century window open on to a rose-streaked Provençal sky with my sweet dog sleeping on my feet and the man that I love in the next room.

Own your life, no matter what it is.

I know that at times I sound like a broken record and actually it is the essence of good acting, “being in the moment” but to know these things in our heads and in our hearts are not always the same, are they?

Wishing you all a lovely weekend.

My dream house in Provence

“I want to show you something.” Remi makes a swift right onto a tiny lane in the middle of the Alpilles. As often as we have traversed these roads, this one is somehow unknown to me. I am left to wonder where we are headed and why now. The sun has already started its descent and I am hungry, thinking ahead to the time remaining for the drive home, what I can rustle up for dinner. We wind around corner after corner to spy olive grove after olive grove, each ghostly in the waning light. 

He pulls over at a seemingly random spot and unloads Ben from the back. “Come on.” I follow him down a rock-strewn path. The point of a terracotta tiled roof raises up like a cowlick over the hillside. And soon, we were standing in a clearing gazing at an ancient stone farmhouse, or mas with a massive diagonal stone fortification reaching up on one side and a pebbly garden wall rolling down the other. 

“Over here, ” Remi calls out as I carefully pick my way down the path. I turn past the ivy and let out a gasp. 

This mas was certainly something more, at least it had been, long ago. A series of arches extend off of the main structure into nowhere. No roof above, no form remaining to give a clue as to its origins. Was the home built onto the remains of a chapel? Possibly. A sculpted column in the loggia makes me wonder if it was a cloister.

Enough of the past. There are no ghosts here and the faded beauty of this batiment is still very pertinent in the present. I inhale it like a perfume. 

The roof looks as though it could fly off with the next gust of Mistral but there are little clues that this home has not been abandoned, not entirely. Certain windows have been replaced. A wicker chair is placed in front of the arched entryway with a shirt slung over it, left out to dry. An extension cord snakes through the grasses to a generator hidden in a dried out well. Someone is living here à la Robinson Crusoé. My guess is not all the time, perhaps just in the warmth of summer. 
Remi and I are both such dreamers. Soon the conversation falls away and imagination takes over. What we would do if we could somehow buy the property and make it ours? I know that I would clear out the fountains that have been nearly crushed by the surrounding vegetation. Remi suggests putting a small pool, a bassin, under the arches. Lovely.

I am sure that both of us have a hard time understanding the whys of the mas being left to slide in to such a state, even if we find it all the lovelier for it.

We linger and let the last of the light pull across us. A speck of moon pops over the olive trees. 

“Have you ever tasted figues de barbarie?” Remi asks he spies the fruit exploding out of a group of cacti at the base of the house. I admit that I haven’t so, gentleman that he is, he gathers one for me, getting pricked in the process. I take a tiny nibble. The fruit is as soft as the sun and the magenta juice stains our hands.

The desiccated trunk of a tree fascinates me. “How did it get like that Remi?” It smells warm, the wood. “It has just been left to rot, that’s all, maybe for twenty years, maybe more.” I can’t imagine just leaving something be for so long. 

Perhaps the mas is more alone than we think. 

As we head back towards the car, we can hear snatches of song echoing through the hills. “Algerian”, Remi confirms, workers of North African origin. Joyous notes bob and fade. Perhaps it is a celebration for the récolte, the end of harvesting the grapes. We stop to listen for a moment before heading home. There is always music in the best dreams. 

Fallen Giants

It seems that the Monsters of yore have been slain. Not to worry, I am not talking about the neighbor’s children! 🙂 No, this morning I woke up to find one of the Love-lies-bleeding sleeping behind the Buddha. Its stalk bent in two and its leaves wilted, the pom-poms shedding tiny grains that the Thai use as a spice. Although I only had these beauties in fine form for only one day, I appreciated them enough for weeks worth of carnations. Everything is always, always changing.
Remi and I were invited to a dinner party yesterday evening. Our host had just returned from a business trip to the United States where he had purchased a book on Autumn in New England. Oh, those glorious colors made me so homesick! On one of the first pages was an Emily Dickinson poem, that although it has been read a hundred times, never loses its appropriateness for this time of year…

As imperceptibly as Grief
The Summer lapsed away—
Too imperceptible at last
To seem like Perfidy—
A Quietness distilled
As Twilight long begun,
Or Nature spending with herself
Sequestered Afternoon—
The Dusk drew earlier in—
The Morning foreign shone—
A courteous, yet harrowing Grace,
As Guest, that would be gone—
And thus, without a Wing
Or service of a Keel
Our Summer made her light escape
Into the Beautiful. 




Little Monsters

Ah, the monsters that we invite into our life. That phrase pricks the cross-wires in my brain, blipping me back to my twenties and my attraction to that dirtily handsome band of friends, each astride their vintage British motorcycles. “Break my heart! Here it is!” I was so eager to love and yet so far removed from it, wrapped up in the armour of my own sartorial choices. Leather jackets, winged eyeliner, silver skulls on every finger. Tiny, personal sized monsters. No lasting harm was inflicted by any of them thankfully, just the pangs of youth. Such contractions between wonder and fear. As little as I would show it, I was so impressed by New York City and its residents. Having grown up in small towns, I couldn’t help but wonder, “How did we all manage to get here?” and be rather proud that I had. Rather natural then with that outlook that I would attract some bad eggs along the way.

Isn’t it amazing that at some point dangerous people just naturally become less attractive? Out of nowhere, to remember, to dig up a distant memory of trust. And to find that beautiful and for beautiful to suddenly become much more attractive than “cool”. Typical end of twenties, early thoughts. But I remember wondering if it was even still possible at one point, to trust fully. Living in Manhattan from such a young age can take its toll. But of course it is, it always is. Our tender hearts. And then, I got lucky, I know that too. 

For the past few years that longing for trust has spread out beyond Remi and my family to my friendships. I find it a more slippery slope somehow. Or that I am not as good of a judge as I would like to be, especially as I would prefer not to judge in the first place. And if they are not monsters, the pain of realizing that I have trusted where I should not is monsterish, as it is for us all. 
The ghoul that I brought home from the market this morning is, fortunately, of the vegetal kind. When I saw it, I gave out a little “eee” of delight. What on earth? I had never seen anything like it! Much to my flower seller’s disappointment, I insisted on only buying two branches (very bad taste indeed as flowers should only be displayed in odd numbers) but I was purposefully after a Punky Brewster/ Pippi Longstocking effect. And sadly, despite a million attempts, my photos do not begin to show how ginormous they are. Really, I am ready at any moment for them to crack out like a whip at me when I pass or sneak towards Ben’s ear as he lay sleeping. Delightfully creepy, these. So I suppose that I shouldn’t be so surprised that their common name is “Love-lies-bleeding”(!) nor what I ended up typing when I sat down to write about these odd flowers. A desperate bid for normalcy is scattered elsewhere about the apartment: Stargazer’s for my Balinese friends, cream roses for the Chinese Buddha and one last bit of lavender for the kitchen window sill. And yet, the eye goes directly to the Amaranthus Caudatus nonetheless. 

Now, on to the other side of the proverbial coin. The monsters that we do NOT invite into our lives but that intrude on our well-being nonetheless. In this case, I am talking about the neighbors and especially, their children. Now, don’t get your hackles up, I am not some sort of Slugworth kid-hater. But these not so little ones are driving me insane. Today they were throwing some kind of mini firecrackers under the feet of passer-by, undeterred even when one woman shouted out “ça va pas, non?!” Their skateboards resound against the building walls. I have been told that their family is linked with well, if not the actual Mafia then something similar. Sigh. Really most of the time, it truly is the noise factor that is driving me mad. So my dear friends here, such a wise bunch, any suggestions on how to deal with unwanted sound? Yes, I know, we chose to live in the center of town. We did. And yes winter is coming soon but not soon enough. Any thoughts? 

Sand

I cannot take credit for this all too happy handwriting. Full of optimism, isn’t it? Not that I am other than a hope addict. I soar on those wings every moment that I can. But look at these circular loops that declare “I am here!” with a confidence that what comes around does indeed go around. How we build ourselves up with every gesture despite the uncertainty of the oncoming tide. Persistence.

Remi and I are not, actually, beach people. There have been moments when we were on assignment in some exotic locale known for its waters where we did not even dip in a toe. Last Sunday I was dressed in black capris and a long sleeve t-shirt, even though I had been told that the water was still warm. Remi, essentially the same. Only Ben, our lovely dog, was beyond himself with excitement, having immediately sniffed out a turn south towards the sea, away from the destination of our usual hikes.

Undoubtedly because of his recent swimming success in the Alpilles, he dove right in. What a difference from the timorous pup of yore. Wild abandon. Yes, for the millionth time, our dogs show us the quickest path to least resistance. He certainly doesn’t ask himself “should I enjoy myself?”–he just does.

I loved the privacy of the end of September day. Far from the “look at me” each and all were doing their best to squirrel away memories for the months to come. So were we with each footfall. However, I could tell that after walking for quite some time, Remi was all too ready to relax but didn’t dare. “It’s just sand,” I reminded him. “We can brush it off.”

And so all three of us plopped down, quiet as could be, sipping the surroundings into our skin–the chuchotement of the waves, the caress of the sun’s warmth and a feeling that we weren’t quite who we thought we were fifteen minutes before.

Fireflies in daylight.”That is the phrase that kept dancing through my head as I was taking in the glimmer skipping across the horizon. But isn’t that the best gift about what it is to go to the sea? To let our minds wander? To travel without moving? So amazing with the Mediterranean to think that on the other side of this wide blue lies…Africa.

The sand between my fingers, at the nape of my neck, tickling my scalp…oh my, it was absolutely everywhere, for once we gave in, we gave in. Ben didn’t help, splaying a wet paw across my chest as he thumped down beside me with a sigh. So be it. And it did wipe off. But less so the memory of my big achievement of the day. Those of you that know me well or have been reading here for a while know that I don’t drive. Honestly, I am of another time but what was I thinking when I was young that I didn’t want to learn? That it wasn’t ladylike? I swear that was a part of it! And that I would just prefer to be driven. Yes, all of this when I was around 16. I believe that I was an older soul then than I am now. And certainly more of a diva.
The boundless beach is a place to be brave. And so I had two lessons, one with Remi and then a go all by myself–for the first time in my life. At 42? Yes. And it felt fine. I was proud and beaming. We shall see what comes of it. Slippery as sand I can be but hopefully, it is a start. 

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