It was quite a surprise that I suddenly wanted to take pictures again. So I picked up the camera for the first time in many months, cradling it to my chest with one hand in-between the clicks, happy to see again.
That is a gift that you gave to me. Yes, you. Your comments and emails of support and understanding are like a talisman that I always have in my pocket, just in case. I thank you with all of my heart. It is freeing to know that I can share and that being ‘alone’ is an illusion.
What wasn’t surprising, not in the least, was that I would love my friend Elizabeth, La Contessa, in person as much as I have through communicating across the lines, over the years via the internet and eventually, due to her insistence, on the phone. She invited me to come out West to change my mind and then some. Maybe to shift perspective and pick up a bit of strength on the way.
I could feel the smile spreading up through my throat, across my lips to raise up my hand in a goofy wave as soon as I saw her at the terminal, waiting, searching the crowds for a redhead, possibly in a caftan. It was a recognition, a “Hello you” of a friendship made solid, something that would only intensify over the days as I fell head over heels for her and her antiques-filled (and I do mean filled) home, her charming Italian Husband, her winsome Corgi named Winston and even, astonishingly, a wise cat named Theodore (just don’t tell Ben and Kipling). That all of this was to be found in California only added to the sweetness.
It was a champagne bubble of a week filled with everything that I like.
Did that pop when I returned back to reality? It did. I realize constantly that I am in the early days yet. But, when courage has been instilled it cannot so easily be stripped.
And so too, on this Memorial Day in the States, I think of the men and women who have crossed truly frightening lines, fueled less by inspiration but something lit like freedom. I thank them as well.
“The question is not what a man can scorn, or disparage, or find fault with, but what he can love, and value, and appreciate.”
— John Ruskin
A thought that I held onto tightly on that day in February when I flew out of Paris?
There is a horizon always above the clouds and it is shining blue.
****
*For those of you stopping by because of Elizabeth’s unending kindness? Thank you so very much for being here. If this post or the links are a little too cryptic, you can find out more of my recent story by clicking here. Bienvenue…
Well, Heather……
If there were a way to include a picture in this response, I'd add my portrait of Elizabethe/"La Contessa" in her rose garden. I'm glad that you've spent time with her.
For now?….here's a poem. It's one of my favorites, which is saying rather a lot after a BA, two MA's, an M.Litt (a weird English degree one can get at Oxford if you stick around long enough), and a Ph.d in Literature…….suffice it to say that I've read a LOT of poetry over the years, and this is still on my top-ten list for several reasons:
"As sharp as in my childhood, still
Ecstasy shocks me fixed. The will
Cannot entice it, never could,
So never tries. But from the wood
The wind will hurl the clashing sleet;
Or a small fawn with lovely feet,
Uncertain in its gait, will walk
Among the ferns, not breaking back
One frond, not bruising one fern black,
Into the clearing, and appraise
With mild, attracted, wondering gaze,
And lifted head unhurt and new,
This world that he was born into.
Such marvels as, one time, I feared
Might go, and leave me unprepared
For hardship. But they never did.
They blaze before me still, as wild
And clear, as when I was a child.
They never went away at all.
I need not, though I do, recall
Such moments in my childhood, when
Wonder sprang out at me again,
And took me by the heels, and whirled
Me round and round above the world.
For wonder leaps upon me still,
And makes me dizzy, makes me ill,
But never frightened – for I know –
Not where – but in whose hands I go:
The lovely fingers of Delight
Have hold of me and hold me tight."
—Edna St. Vincent Millay 1936
Best wishes,
David Terry
http://www.davidterryart.com
Oh Yay Heather, a post! It was so nice to see the picture of you and La Contessa on her blog.
I've missed you, and wish the best for you. So shine on shine on.
Warmest regards from Vancouver Island
La Contessa sounds like a lovely, lovely friend who knew just what you needed and how to persuade you. So wonderful to see your photos of this "different-than-usual" landscape, and to read your words once again.
Wow, you're back! I have been missing your posts and Instagram!
So wonderful to hear from you and to hear that you have had a time of refreshment and healing. Couldn't think of a better person to give you some home-style American warmth and friendship than La Contessa.
Look after yourself!
Deborah Carter – Melbourne, Australia
Uh huh! California and a beautiful friendship, vicarious thrills all around.
Such a wonderful gift Elizabeth gave you. Knowing you as I do, I'm sure you gave gifts right back! I know that 'coming back home' bit… not always so easy. So glad, ecstatic really, that you've picked up your camera again! Movement, power! A big "welcome back" to you and your beautiful photos!
Welcome back…we have all missed you. Now we just have to get you…. LOST IN ARLES…again. A very sweet spot can still be found….you go girl…You are a fabulous writer….you have contacts..
You can do it…
Ali xx
What a beautiful heartfelt post Heather. Yes I can understand you falling for Elizabeth, sounds like she is a generous, kind and loving soul and very giving of herself and a true friend. How lucky you both are.
Give yourself time as time really does heal, be inspired by your photographs and eloquent writing and keep busy, try not to think of the past and remember when one door closes another opens. This is a new phase of your life, you are in charge of your destiny, go forth and conquer. Read somewhere that no one can make you feel bad without your permission! Get busy with your pics and approach mag editors, do a series of living in France, you have talent, you are beautiful and you are healthy! xx
Oh, this was lovely to look at and read. Continue…
We are so happy to hear from you, and happy to see your photographs again (though, California?? More, please!). Friendships and trips can be so healing; I am grateful to La Contessa for giving you both. Little did I know that I would find myself in a similar situation – here's hoping that I can come to know that being alone is an illusion and to look for the good, too.