Month: November 2022

Aaah, I may be a few days late to the Thanksgiving feast but gratitude still reigns supreme in this quirky heart of mine. Valiant of stomach, I hied myself through a bristling Mistral wind to see my friends at a wonderful restaurant, Première Édition, here in Avignon. I actually hadn’t been given any choice in the matter as my food-writer friend, Marc Fournié, told me simply that I had to try cheffe Aurélie’s chicken. Yes, Marc, ok, twist my arm, but…I was in a conundrum. For I had also seen something on this week’s menu that especially tempted “les papilles,” aka Yee Olde Tastybuds.

As gluttony was inherently excused in honor of the celebration, after a brief discussion with the cheffe and her sous-cheffe, I went full monty (all while keeping my clothes on).

For what I really had come to try was the pita. No, not the college dorm version of yore for it was not cardboard stiff but outright pillowy, even though it had been just barbecued “à la minute.” When it arrived, I lowered my face far nearer to the plate than sheer politeness would allow to take in the perfume of the creamy goat cheese, cooked raclette-style and…truffles. Truffles. Just let that word roll around on your tongue a bit and even if you have never had the pleasure to try these particularly pungent fungi, you might get a whiff (pun-intended) of how luxurious they are. All of this was hidden under fresher than fresh greens from the Alpilles (and knowing Aurélie they might have been picked that morning). I would bite and savour slowly, on repeat.

As I did, with the arrival of patrons a mounting cacophony of gossip and laughter ensued at the surrounding tables. “Jonathan?” I asked of the co-owner/reliable charmer, “Do you know what I hear when I listen to everyone?” “Well, I don’t have the time to hear them myself, really…” “No, not word-for-word but in general,” I interrupted. “I hear contentment, people letting go and relaxing. You know, that doesn’t often happen in France…not quite like this.” He nodded. “A happy face,” he responded. Yes, a happy place too.

Alright, then now on to the afore-mentioned stand-in for the big turkey: an even-finer chicken. One that comes from the farm of “Elisabeth” and of course is as organic and cossetted as they come, served here with deep cooking juices, a citrus ouzo oil, along with mandarine shiva mikan (don’t worry, I had to look them up as well). As if that wasn’t enough, on the side was a bowl of corn polenta that was truly more like a porridge that I wanted to close my eyes and have my Mom spoon-feed to me, even at 53.

Food is such a delight. Isn’t it? Literally, like Turkish Delight, which I first read about in “A lion, a witch and the wardrobe” and was startled to learn as an adult that it is actually something that exists in the world. When food is this deeply satisfying (or as dynamic as in the cooking of Florent Pietravalle in my previous post), we are not only eating other people’s thoughts, we are eating their dreams.

So perhaps that is why it was especially perfect to finish with something so simply lovely as my dessert. I did try to convince myself not to have it. I did. But Jonathan assured me that it would “help me to digest” my previous indulgences (insert snort of laughter here) and Marc had also insisted about this so here we go: pear and tea-infused sorbet with mandarine keraji flakes (shrug), whipped yogurt and candied crunchy hazelnuts. As if I needed to say anything possibly more than that. Sweetness rendered.

And it was doubly so, as a lovely young person stopped by my table on her way out. She told me that she recognised me and loved what I put on Instagram. As she turned to go, I nearly blurted out, “Wait, wait, tell me more please!” Isn’t that beautiful? I might have blushed but shh.

So here we are at the end of the meal. Jonathan had brought me my espresso WITH my dessert without any judgement. The music was good, the cacophony rendered into a lullaby symphony. And while I was sitting there technically “alone” – the chair across from me, empty – the feeling during the entire meal was that I had been anything but. Not only was there the very palpable “bonhomie” extending from everyone at Première Édition but also all of my personal loves, right there beside me, right up close in my heart. They are great company.

It has been a hard time – sorry, hard times – for my tribe. My wonderful man L would have been with me if not for having just contacted COVID (again). I have been going through some things that are not appropriate for me to talk about fully but he has unfailingly been my rock. The tougher the times, the more solid he is. If that doesn’t make you want to do a turn about, what does? My family were there with me too. There is so very much on the table (again, sorry for the pun). And yet they still joke when needed and listen with the same sincerity. I try to do likewise for I love them so. I have had an unimaginable gift of reuniting with a nearly lost for forever friend. And yes, there is all of you. I did declare as much via Instagram on Thanksgiving but there are many of you that have still held on to this blog, no matter what. Forgive me if I have tears in my eyes as I type that for “my heart overfloweth.”

It is certainly lovely that there are happy drops on my keyboard just as I am grateful that my belly is full after such a wonderful meal. I don’t take any of it for granted. Not one tiny bit. It is never too late to say thank you, so to everyone at Première Édition, my love, my family (including those gone) and my friends known and unknown all over the world, I do.

Be well, stay safe and be kind,

Heather

“Heather, just sit down and write.” “But I can’t. I no longer have the words.” “Yes, you do. They may not be the perfect ones-” “I used to be such a good writer.” “-but they will be good enough. Just sit down and bring the keyboard closer, Ok?”… “Ok.”

I have been trying to decide for weeks if I was going to share this with you. This time that is both a sucked in, breath-held silence and yet a roiling internal volcano. There are moments when the fires burn through me just as with others I am struck immobile by the weight of loneliness upon my shoulders. I try to rally and usually fail even while knowing the treasure of being truly loved. It is a forever, no ever time.

Let me go back a bit.

As many of you know, when I decided to stay in France after the surprise of my separation, it was tough. No-one would hire me save for finally a job as a receptionist at a hotel and that was only due to a favour called in by my ex’s new companion. I worked hard, really hard. It is the only way that I know how to work. The first day I showed up in a Prada jacket that was quickly ruined from sweat stains under my arms. I was the oldest person by far, save for a Night Auditor who is roughly my age, has been there for 25 years and is untouchable. And so I felt that I had to do extra to try and find my way (if not to fit in) amongst my colleagues who were half my age, who could have been the children that I never had.

I have a list somewhere on my computer of all of the comments that mention me by name on websites such as Tripadvisor. “Every hotel should have a Heather,” says one. I remember the person who told me to make that list “for one day, in case.” He lasted two weeks or so, maybe three and moved on to easier pastures.

I didn’t. Although, I started at the hotel in July of 2017, it became official that November. My bosses were kind about my insomnia and I only work evenings. When I was hired as a professor at the local university, they switched my contract to 35 hours a week instead of the normal 39 so that I could do my Friday afternoon classes. But that same director forced me to resign from teaching when he felt that it was overly taxing me. Either the teaching or the hotel. I had no choice but choose the latter for financial reasons and more importantly, for my visa to work in France. I miss the sound of the classroom, my playing jazz much to the bewilderment of the kids creeping in to speak my language, English. There were no rules, I taught what I want how I wanted. It was a first attempt at my trying a to work a job in my way and it felt wonderful.

Of course, things and people and society change which each breath we give but both the arrival of Trumpism and COVID accelerated a movement of “each person for themselves” that came so quickly and so assuredly that I think that we still haven’t really seen it for what it is. Or perhaps are beginning to do so.

Was I lucky that I was supported by the French government during the lockdowns? Absolutely. But when the hotel first opened afterwards, I was often the only employee present on the property at night. I felt scared. I once confronted a drugged up man who was inches away from me, behind the reception desk, looking for the cash drawer. Times felt desperate. Clients, after so long in seclusion, seemed free to say whatever came to their minds with politeness discarded, not even an afterthought.

As with all of my colleagues, I took and took and took their disrespectfulness. The pointed, jabbing fingers or the inappropriate “tu” instead of “vous” in French or Americans yelling (or sometimes crying) over a lightbulb out in their room. About things that were largely not at all under my control. It came down to an evening where a Brazilian woman became ferocious because she had been assigned a handicapped-equipped room (for those not in the know, they are often the biggest). For some reason, she took it personally and demanded another room. We had none available. She began to scream. “What is wrong with you that you gave me this? Why? Is it because you are fat and ugly that you did it?”

I walked away and hid in the kitchen for a few minutes to catch my breath. She was still at the reception when I returned and became so violent that I had to threaten to call the police. My boss was amazing when I got through to her and told me what to say. One of the chefs from the kitchen came out to stand next to me, protectively. The woman left and the next day I went to Italy for a planned break with my honey.

But something had snapped. And it wasn’t just that one incident. If the word that is most often used to describe me now is “resilient,” it is for a reason. So in Italy I ate and ate then drank too much while L tried to find his way to me. I looked to the stars over the mountain where we stay, trying to find a reason or meaning and in a way, I am right there still.

With the insistence of my psychologist, my psychiatrist (yes, I have both) has put me on work-leave for burnout. That started in mid-September and it is now the beginning of November. I see my psychologist once a week and have done a lot of reading about my current state, where I am permanently in “fight or flight” mode. Survival. Tired and wired. Which brings me back to that initial conflict of feeling that I described.

I have gained a lot of weight during this pause. It is as if my body is preparing an outer shield for battle. And yet it makes me ashamed, just as I feel for being on sick-leave, so that I often don’t want to go out in risk of being seen by someone I know, even though a bit of contact would do me so much good. Next week I won’t accept the invitation to an art opening that I would love to attend as there is too much risk that my ex will be there. This despite my current companion supporting me and loving me, exactly as I am, which is new and gratefully received.

So what do I do while I find my way, yet again? On a good day, I try to wipe the slate clean. In forgetting these current, strange circumstances, I look at my surroundings like the tourists that I cater to and try to be glorified. That is what these photos mean to me. I am also reading a lot about what I am going through as if I could translate my mind to my heart. There is more than it is wise to share here but the stakes are high for me to stay in France. May this beauty hold me, carry me and sing me to the next certainty. Or a feeling of long lost and then retrieved agency. Until the next I know when.