How do we do it? When we try to love again, to let them know what matters to us without constantly second guessing how we go forward from here?
It’s not his fault. He has to pick up his daughter from a month long summer vacation at just what happens to be my birthday. Or thereabouts. And yet, in my family, The Birthday is sancrosanct. So what do I do?
I will celebrate in my own way. And yet this feels important. Just as does the pause in which he seems hesitant to introduce me to his friends, his family. I’ve noticed.
Listen, I am actually not asking for advice although it touches me that you want to take care of me. But perhaps we can remember together that we have to find our own way. Shaky waltzes and all. Trusting as we turn into the air.
It is hard to accept that perhaps, within that dance, I perceive that I am resolutely at a “lesser” place than I was a year ago, singing positive even while still so unsure. The notes ring false to my tuned ears. And I wrote about this last year too, and probably the year before. I am physically sick of this recurring doubt ebbing against resilience. But this is it, how we live, how we move. So called “mistakes” pump through us like our very blood, as do our everyday victories. Because where I will return to is all that I truly want, which is to be creative again. My breath, my love, my light. May it shine through me like a lighter fire than all that still burns (darkly), past present, and yet not, with my wild heart, irrevocable.
How do we do it? How do I encorporate someone within this sizzled wire dream? Can I let this lighter fire be fuel for all that I no longer need, to see where I can possibly go? On my own but with another something hopeful, somewhat in tow?
I don’t know. But I am asking, throwing a cigarette that I don’t smoke (and I don’t) to the fire, to see where it will blow.
***
I loved what I wrote above. I usually write very quickly but that was so important to me, short as it is, that I worked on it for days.
One of the things that I understand now is that I did second guess, and constantly. I would ask questions like, “Do I deserve your love?” over and over for, as different as we are (and I pointedly made that clear too), I have never, ever, been treated so well by anyone.
We broke up two days ago.
Such a good man.
I wish all Peace, all Joy to him. I wish the same for me too.
Thank you, thank you, Namaste…
Greets from across the pond….I have found this statement to be true for me:
I will continue my focus to be very careful about who I share good news with and very careful
about who I share bad news with while seeking to make friends with people that want the
best for me, as I for them.
These, I believe, are hallmarks of good friendships.
Dear "Anonymous"……LOOK!…..validation!!!. I thought of you just this morning while reading the NYTimes. It remains that, while I haven't known women who do things to their hair after a break-up (I have known a few who've staged a major bonfire of their boyfriend's various vanities when he failed to clear them out of her house), it doesn't follow that I "wouldn't" know them. I just don't happen to have known such a woman, thus far. In any case?….You're QUITE RIGHT. Here's an article by a woman who drove over 20000 miles to get her hair cut after a break up. Go to:
https://www.nytimes.com/2018/08/10/style/modern-love-driving-2130-miles-for-a-haircut.html?rref=collection%2Fsectioncollection%2Ffashion&action=click&contentCollection=fashion®ion=rank&module=package&version=highlights&contentPlacement=5&pgtype=sectionfront
Dear "Anonymous", I'd have to have a bit more (which wouldn't be difficult) of a clue as to who you are before I answered that publicly. Certain facts are already far too publicly known (for his sake, not mine). Suffice it to say that, among other issues, he won't live to be as old as I am now……which has utterly nothing to do with the divorce, but remains an issue for me. It's rather hard to achieve "closure" (a vague-something I've never really believed in, but which folks talk about a lot) when your spouse not only has a disastrous affair, but also informs you, two years later, that he has a rapidly advancing, terminal disease (which, in fact, he does; I checked). I think that's a sufficiently discreet reply from me. Sincerely, David Terry. Quail Roost Farm, Rougemont, NC
Have you thought about getting a job? It can be a good way to meet people and form friendships. After being in the trenches of a restaurant with some great people for 17 years, many of these people are still my very best friends many years later. Getting up every day and getting showered, dressed, and having to be somewhere is a good thing for a number of reasons. And at this age, definitely make it something you think you might have always wanted to try.
You could still be a photographer.
Just a thought offered with the best of intentions; I don't know your circumstances, of course. Take care.
"Thank you. NEXT!" Ha! Well, that was fine in my twenties, and they were lined up, but now there are less eligible, worthy, self-sufficient men about at my current age. Fortunately, I've come upon a lovely one. He needs a bit of polishing, but he's worth it, and a keeper I do believe. Nobody's perfect but we make each other laugh; isn't that the most important thing?
What happened to your spouse, D.T.?
Happy Birthday dear Heather!
David Terry:
I simply suggested the girl do something fun and uplifting for herself since she had broken up with her boyfriend. You don't get it obviously, and I'm sure you won't, so just drop it. Women often do something to their hair after a breakup to cheer themselves up, but that's something you wouldn't know of course.
All my wishes for your Birthday! Everything is happening for a purpose.