How do we do it? When we try to love again, to let them know what matters to us without constantly second guessing how we go forward from here?
It’s not his fault. He has to pick up his daughter from a month long summer vacation at just what happens to be my birthday. Or thereabouts. And yet, in my family, The Birthday is sancrosanct. So what do I do?
I will celebrate in my own way. And yet this feels important. Just as does the pause in which he seems hesitant to introduce me to his friends, his family. I’ve noticed.
Listen, I am actually not asking for advice although it touches me that you want to take care of me. But perhaps we can remember together that we have to find our own way. Shaky waltzes and all. Trusting as we turn into the air.
It is hard to accept that perhaps, within that dance, I perceive that I am resolutely at a “lesser” place than I was a year ago, singing positive even while still so unsure. The notes ring false to my tuned ears. And I wrote about this last year too, and probably the year before. I am physically sick of this recurring doubt ebbing against resilience. But this is it, how we live, how we move. So called “mistakes” pump through us like our very blood, as do our everyday victories. Because where I will return to is all that I truly want, which is to be creative again. My breath, my love, my light. May it shine through me like a lighter fire than all that still burns (darkly), past present, and yet not, with my wild heart, irrevocable.
How do we do it? How do I encorporate someone within this sizzled wire dream? Can I let this lighter fire be fuel for all that I no longer need, to see where I can possibly go? On my own but with another something hopeful, somewhat in tow?
I don’t know. But I am asking, throwing a cigarette that I don’t smoke (and I don’t) to the fire, to see where it will blow.
***
I loved what I wrote above. I usually write very quickly but that was so important to me, short as it is, that I worked on it for days.
One of the things that I understand now is that I did second guess, and constantly. I would ask questions like, “Do I deserve your love?” over and over for, as different as we are (and I pointedly made that clear too), I have never, ever, been treated so well by anyone.
We broke up two days ago.
Such a good man.
I wish all Peace, all Joy to him. I wish the same for me too.
Jan…..which "delightful image"?…..Tiny Edna St. Vincent Millay dynamiting her way rock ledges or me in a dress? Both are pretty scary, actually…..
best wishes, david terry
Dear Anonynmous, I did, indeed, "get it". I'm well aware that one doesn't necessarily begin eating healthily and exercising more regularly by "announcing" the matter. It would remain, however (and quite in despite of your markedly Nancy "Just say No!" Reagan-ish exhoration to "Just do it!") aware that the vast majority of folks do not "just do it" and, in fact, need help, support, "coaching", etcetera. Glad, I suppose, to hear that, apparently, you don't. Good for you.
More to the point, I remain unsure as to why, when a reader suggests that Heather "indulge" (and I quote) herself to a meal and "A glass" (and I quote) of rose or champagne, you automatically begin suggesting that she was about to overindulge. I, for one, hadn't assumed that she was going to eat two cheeseburgers and wash them down with an entire bottle of Kahlua. As far as I've gathered over the past ten or so years, Heather spends about half of her days taking VERY long walks, meditating, and/or doing yoga. And, to be honest?….I don't know about you, but I wouldn't tell a woman on any day (much less her birthday) that she ought to spend some money and go get a "good" haircut. It's perfectly fine to say (but only if the woman has expressed dissatisfaction with her currently haircut) "Well….try something NEW". I can't imagine my ever advising a woman to get a "good" haircut, anymore than I'd tell a friend "Why don't you go get a decent car?". Not entirely incidentally?…..one of the most regular compliments Heather has received from readers over the years is what beautifully colored hair both she and her sister have. In any case, I thought it amusingly censorious of you to be informing Heather (who's not exactly known for posting about her latest alcoholic and binge-eating benders after a breakup) to consider eating right and exercising regularly. Thanks, nonetheless, for informing me that I can have "fun" with my friends without overeating and getting drunk. That had never occurred to me before just now. What a revelation. Sincerely, David Terry
What very sound advice, Marsha. Of course, my first reaction is to wonder whether men or women are more likely, during the beginnings of a relationship, to be off-put by too many introspective or "heavy" questions. I don't know, of course, since I'm in the odd position of not only never having been a woman, but also of never having dated one. Still, I can imagine that (for either sex) being constantly questioned about one's sincerity, depth of feeling/?commitment", plans for the future, etcetera……well, I may be hyper-irritable, but I would feel as though I'd gotten into a car with a three year old who kept peppering me with "Where are we GOING?" and "Are we THERE YET?????".
I should admit that I did regularly (usually when I found myself doing something that even I recognized as exasperating, such as lengthily and instantly recounting some supposed "trouble" during my day of working at home, and to a spouse who went out to work each day) find myself saying (not asking)….."I don't know why you put up with me". I'm lucky in that the inevitable answer was, for twelve years running, "Because I love you, you idiot".
sincerely,
David Terry
In Greece the birthday greeting is the same as the New Year greeting: Kronia Polla! It means happy new year. . .and that is what a birthday really represents. . .a new year in which you can mold into the world you want it to be. Don't dwell on the day and whether or not it was as you'd hoped (many of us have had less than spectacular birthdays) and focus on the year ahead. May it be all that you make it ~
Happy Birthday, Heather! And thank you for a beautiful blog post, poignant and sensitive. Is there any way we can help you regain your creativity? To me you definitely still have it, both in words and in pictures. And talking of pictures, I'd like to thank David for giving me such a delightful image!
Happy Birthday, Heather!
No advice from my side, just all the best wishes!
Happy Birthday, Heather!
That which does not kill you, makes you stronger. Including internet scolds.
Perhaps relationships are like auditioning. ¨Thank you. NEXT!¨
Ahhh! My marvelous raven-haired beauty of a friend. It is okay to question worthiness after a long relationship. I *often* asked James, again and again and again, how do you know after a marriage, that another one will work out?
Are you in the U.S. ? We could try for a phone natter (regardless of what country you are in … just thinking of time zone logistics). You are loved.
Happy Birthday, darling. I think you need to find "something" you enjoy immensely and dive into it. Asking someone questions as you said you were asking aloud or silently inside your head, is bowing to some kind of insecurity inside you. This needs to be worked on by you. Seriously. In the beginning of any relationship it needs to be fun, not introspective and sharing so much of your soul. His daughter will always come first, because she WAS first. This is normal. I'm so sorry you are still having these questions. Find a therapist as soon as possible, and pour your heart out to the professional. Please believe me, they help. None of us are perfect, none of us see ourselves that way, but when you make someone else declare their considerations of you, that's not fair to them, and it's very immature of you. All the others can get mad at me, but I've known you so long, and I championed you in the beginning, when you definitely didn't understand why. Stand Tall.
Happy birthday Heather, Enjoy yourself on the day!
I agree with much of what has already been written, especially Laura, Elizabeth & Carolyn, so I won't add to what they have already said.