How do we do it? When we try to love again, to let them know what matters to us without constantly second guessing how we go forward from here?
It’s not his fault. He has to pick up his daughter from a month long summer vacation at just what happens to be my birthday. Or thereabouts. And yet, in my family, The Birthday is sancrosanct. So what do I do?
I will celebrate in my own way. And yet this feels important. Just as does the pause in which he seems hesitant to introduce me to his friends, his family. I’ve noticed.
Listen, I am actually not asking for advice although it touches me that you want to take care of me. But perhaps we can remember together that we have to find our own way. Shaky waltzes and all. Trusting as we turn into the air.
It is hard to accept that perhaps, within that dance, I perceive that I am resolutely at a “lesser” place than I was a year ago, singing positive even while still so unsure. The notes ring false to my tuned ears. And I wrote about this last year too, and probably the year before. I am physically sick of this recurring doubt ebbing against resilience. But this is it, how we live, how we move. So called “mistakes” pump through us like our very blood, as do our everyday victories. Because where I will return to is all that I truly want, which is to be creative again. My breath, my love, my light. May it shine through me like a lighter fire than all that still burns (darkly), past present, and yet not, with my wild heart, irrevocable.
How do we do it? How do I encorporate someone within this sizzled wire dream? Can I let this lighter fire be fuel for all that I no longer need, to see where I can possibly go? On my own but with another something hopeful, somewhat in tow?
I don’t know. But I am asking, throwing a cigarette that I don’t smoke (and I don’t) to the fire, to see where it will blow.
***
I loved what I wrote above. I usually write very quickly but that was so important to me, short as it is, that I worked on it for days.
One of the things that I understand now is that I did second guess, and constantly. I would ask questions like, “Do I deserve your love?” over and over for, as different as we are (and I pointedly made that clear too), I have never, ever, been treated so well by anyone.
We broke up two days ago.
Such a good man.
I wish all Peace, all Joy to him. I wish the same for me too.
Happy Birthday! I am sorry for your breakup but I cannot help but think that if you thought something was off, it was. Never doubt your intuition. When it is the right time you will find love if that is what you desire but in the meantime enjoy life.
Beautiful photograph. Lovely lyrical words. You're so creatively gifted. You have been redefining what you're looking for in a relationship, and you're now closer to finding it. This sounds corny, I know, but try loving and appreciating yourself more. You do deserve love and when you know it, you will attract it. Have a wonderful birthday and beautiful year ahead.
Sending you birthday love, and just lots of love in general. Breakups are hard, no matter how civilized…in the end, you are wise to listen to your gut when it's telling you something is "off". xoxo
Happy Birthday Heather ???Much love, Katrina ❤️
First, Happy Birthday to you, dear Heather!
Be glad you met him and that you experienced one another. If the two of you were as different as you said, then better to move forward.
Not to sound cliche', but your positive attitude and creative fortitude will lead you to the one you are supposed to be with. Continue to trust yourself, no matter how much ebb & flow occurs. That's the way we all roll, like it or not.
When you meet the right man, these difficult times will simply be a vague memory of past lessons.
Thinking of you and wishing the very best for you!?
Happy Birthday Heather! You are right, we must each find our own way. So, this is not advice…just my perspective…my journey. Treating someone well is a requisite. No extra points are earned for being gracious and kind. Nor is anything less given a pass. I learned long ago that there are many kind, decent people in this life, and their friendship is a gift. But, for anything deeper, my soul needs to be fed, and that is a more difficult find…still searching! Love to you, Heather, every day! Angela Muller
You have such a depth of inner strength or you wouldn't be as resilient as you are. I wish you a very happy beginning of this new year in your life. Someone will fall in love with you just because of who you are. happiness is around the corner.
Sorry David Terry, I guess you just didn't get it. You don't "announce" that you are going to start eating healthy and exercise; you just do it. Also, the haircut and dress were for a girl to treat herself for her birthday, not you, and has nothing to do with whether your family and friends want to treat you also. You can have fun with friends and still not overindulge.
The picture you took – that deserves to be in a gallery or museum. Seriously.
(I appreciate your blog so much. You write eloquently, honestly and with empathy and it helps me to know that there are other sensitive souls dealing with the same things. So: Thank you and Happy Birthday!).
Oh, "anonymous"……For better or worse, my first reaction is to wonder how my family and friends would have reacted last month if I'd announced on my birthday that I was giving up food and alcohol, and, instead, treating myself to a new haircut and dye-job, and a pretty new dress.
Amusedly,
David Terry