There has been a lot of rain this spring. It has been an unusual time and the storms have often been violent. I rarely see them coming. The man that I am dating makes things grow and I have learned through him to watch the clouds form and shift, into something beautiful or something dangerous. A hail storm arriving at the end of a previously sunny day can wipe out an entire years crop in twenty minutes. Just as too much humidity can tempt a certain insect to prosper overnight, leaving a field of strawberries that cannot be sold in its wake.
And yet life remains in bloom. The pears are on the trees, budding forward, filling form, bulbous.
Sometimes I pray to scatter the clouds. And sometimes I watch in wonder and let them be.
It is deeply humbling. This knowledge that there is always shadows, always light. It keeps repeating like the echo of approaching thunder, like the whisper of love in the crook of my neck.
And yet we don’t always wish to acknowledge that both exist, permanently…en permanence, un à côté de l’autre…that there is no dividing line, no simple answer. Save for when sometimes, divinely, there is. We all have our own moments of precious gifts, shining. A breath, a reprieve.
After my last post, or maybe the one before it, I received an Anonymous comment that I accidentally deleted but that has stayed with me. It was something along the lines of: “I was so happy to read what seemed like good news from you, until I realized that it wasn’t…again.” That disappointment. But I don’t want to hide my struggles, whether real or imagined (typed with a wry smile) because this is also the conversation that we need to be having. Openly, honestly.
I am not seeing what I want to read after the suicides of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain. There is much about what they accomplished but the act itself is often a link to a small article that is strict to the facts. Quotes from police examiners. Suicide by hanging…It makes my heart drop and tears rise just to type those three words. For I have great empathy that their struggles reached that point of no return, having known what is mercifully (and I use that word specifically) chronic low-grade depression most of my adult life but also periods that were dangerous, and life-threatening.
We have to move away from the shame in our society about depression and mental illness. We are seeing that now. Losses…out in the fields or within our hearts…are a wakeup call. Let’s listen. It is only through acknowledging openly the darkness when it arises, if it arises, that we can continue to grow. To hear a spring song, perhaps sung quietly, but in the tune of our own true voice.
For anyone who is directly or indirectly touched by depression or mental illness, please reach out. We are here for you.
With much Love and Gratitude,
Heather, You are always honest, empathetic and caring. Linda
I appreciate very much that you were honest and real in this post.
It felt to me like it wasn't quite finished though; I scrolled below the pics to see if there was more.
Agreed so deeply, dear Edgar.
And a big hug to you Elizabeth. I never take your support for granted. I am so very sorry to read this about your Aunt. My heart goes to you and your family.
That is right. And such an important point. There is such huge, huge pressure in our instagram culture, facebook likings, to have a very specific life that is so far from what is reality for most of us. We grew up knowing the differences, the root of nature…but today? Wow. It seems far away for so many. And it can be so hard when you are young especially to have faith that life can have so many chapters, be so many, many things…when you are older too. 😉 I still struggle with the not knowing. It takes such faith. I am so sorry for your losses.
Merci Marie Allen. If I can…
PS. Ellie's friend from Canada…your comments were lost in the spam so I am only just adding them (along with a few others) now…merci pour ces mots…
Janey, thank you for your honesty. I know that we have shared the ups and downs together these past few years and how wonderful it is that you are so well supported!Yes, there is NO better trait in a man. And thank you for the encouragement and understanding. I will try.
bisous
I am too. It is why I am not writing more. It is a hard place to be in for people like ourselves who love and need that outlet. And I am right there with you in feeling stuck in a job that I no longer love. But I haven't been able to find anything else yet. It is soul sucking. So that means that our experiences are valid for both of us. If these two suicides show us anything, it is that we can't compare the experiences (especially the outward appearances) of others but we each feel is valid unto itself. I hope that you are doing all that you can to take good care of your self, to seek counsel if needed (I loved going to therapy so much when I was in the States). I am here for you and am sending love.
Cette sensibilité qui a attiré ton attention, les faiblesses qui t'as déjà crée leur propres orages presque dévastateur…mais tu comprends tout…on est d'accord…et nous sommes sur le chemin tortueuse, avec une si belle vue, ensemble. Merci "Mademoiselle Donnate" pour ta générosité d'esprit.