There has been a lot of rain this spring. It has been an unusual time and the storms have often been violent. I rarely see them coming. The man that I am dating makes things grow and I have learned through him to watch the clouds form and shift, into something beautiful or something dangerous. A hail storm arriving at the end of a previously sunny day can wipe out an entire years crop in twenty minutes. Just as too much humidity can tempt a certain insect to prosper overnight, leaving a field of strawberries that cannot be sold in its wake.
And yet life remains in bloom. The pears are on the trees, budding forward, filling form, bulbous.
Sometimes I pray to scatter the clouds. And sometimes I watch in wonder and let them be.
It is deeply humbling. This knowledge that there is always shadows, always light. It keeps repeating like the echo of approaching thunder, like the whisper of love in the crook of my neck.
And yet we don’t always wish to acknowledge that both exist, permanently…en permanence, un à côté de l’autre…that there is no dividing line, no simple answer. Save for when sometimes, divinely, there is. We all have our own moments of precious gifts, shining. A breath, a reprieve.
After my last post, or maybe the one before it, I received an Anonymous comment that I accidentally deleted but that has stayed with me. It was something along the lines of: “I was so happy to read what seemed like good news from you, until I realized that it wasn’t…again.” That disappointment. But I don’t want to hide my struggles, whether real or imagined (typed with a wry smile) because this is also the conversation that we need to be having. Openly, honestly.
I am not seeing what I want to read after the suicides of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain. There is much about what they accomplished but the act itself is often a link to a small article that is strict to the facts. Quotes from police examiners. Suicide by hanging…It makes my heart drop and tears rise just to type those three words. For I have great empathy that their struggles reached that point of no return, having known what is mercifully (and I use that word specifically) chronic low-grade depression most of my adult life but also periods that were dangerous, and life-threatening.
We have to move away from the shame in our society about depression and mental illness. We are seeing that now. Losses…out in the fields or within our hearts…are a wakeup call. Let’s listen. It is only through acknowledging openly the darkness when it arises, if it arises, that we can continue to grow. To hear a spring song, perhaps sung quietly, but in the tune of our own true voice.
For anyone who is directly or indirectly touched by depression or mental illness, please reach out. We are here for you.
With much Love and Gratitude,
Yes, and can even be beautiful (as I tried to show in the photos) if we can acknowledge them clearly.
Of course this made me cry Rebecca. I am so humbled and moved that you shared this with us. Especially as I know what a beautiful adult you grew up to be. But also as it is very similar – but not the same – to experiences within my family. If we learn from an early age that we have to either do or not do certain things to have love instead of getting it unconditionally…it can lead to codepency later on, which has definitely been the case with me (and typing that makes me think that it is probably a good idea that I get out the book "codependent no more").
How amazing that you were able to have that conversation. What a blessing for both of your spirits.
I love you so much friend. I can't wait until you are here.
And if he just so happened to grow strawberries AND was also a fine masseuse? hmmm…
There was a very fortituous phase where I was eating a barquette everyday for breakfast…
Judi, Sally and Rebecca? I love you SO MUCH. I love love love you. And I am sorry, my blog might be barely hanging in there, might not be the most glamorous but I HAVE THE BEST READERS OF ANYBODY. Done.
Judi, I am so proud of you. It has been such a long road for you. It seems so hard to take in that Chris has been gone for 2 1/2 years already. That is a HUGE step that you took.
These suggestions are spot on. I googled "women travelling alone together" and came with some other sites too. But hello? Of course I am going to push for a trip in Provence!!!! That way I can finally give you that massive hug that I have been wanting to for years…
I also would like to recommend a truly wonderful novel (that I am going to write about soon) by my friend Patricia Sands called "Drawing Lessons." It is perfect for where you are at right now.
I love you. And am always here for you.
H
Absolutely, that would help enormously! I know from my own experiences, feeling depressed is worsened by feeling like "a loser" for feeling depressed! Total Catch-22. If there is a sense of community around depression, that totally can shift.
You are so fantastic Daniel. But for me, it might be the opposite…I have so much more love than actual knowledge!
I know that it sounds silly to write but I would be delighted if we somehow get to meet one day.
And much Love to you in return, Angela. It is so beautiful what you wrote and so true…
Permaculture is where it is at! 😉
You always, always (yes, that word again) have your global family to love, along with your trees and flowers (who are very worthy of your affection!). I realized that in the worst of my depression when my ex and I split and I felt that I had lost "everything." There were and there still are, so many people who reached out like angels to hold me in their care. Even if it was just a passing smile from a stranger. So we are a part of something bigger. I am writing this to remind you as much as me…but we are never alone. Sending you a big warm hug. xo
It is indeed. How are you Joan?