There has been a lot of rain this spring. It has been an unusual time and the storms have often been violent. I rarely see them coming. The man that I am dating makes things grow and I have learned through him to watch the clouds form and shift, into something beautiful or something dangerous. A hail storm arriving at the end of a previously sunny day can wipe out an entire years crop in twenty minutes. Just as too much humidity can tempt a certain insect to prosper overnight, leaving a field of strawberries that cannot be sold in its wake.
And yet life remains in bloom. The pears are on the trees, budding forward, filling form, bulbous.
Sometimes I pray to scatter the clouds. And sometimes I watch in wonder and let them be.
It is deeply humbling. This knowledge that there is always shadows, always light. It keeps repeating like the echo of approaching thunder, like the whisper of love in the crook of my neck.
And yet we don’t always wish to acknowledge that both exist, permanently…en permanence, un à côté de l’autre…that there is no dividing line, no simple answer. Save for when sometimes, divinely, there is. We all have our own moments of precious gifts, shining. A breath, a reprieve.
After my last post, or maybe the one before it, I received an Anonymous comment that I accidentally deleted but that has stayed with me. It was something along the lines of: “I was so happy to read what seemed like good news from you, until I realized that it wasn’t…again.” That disappointment. But I don’t want to hide my struggles, whether real or imagined (typed with a wry smile) because this is also the conversation that we need to be having. Openly, honestly.
I am not seeing what I want to read after the suicides of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain. There is much about what they accomplished but the act itself is often a link to a small article that is strict to the facts. Quotes from police examiners. Suicide by hanging…It makes my heart drop and tears rise just to type those three words. For I have great empathy that their struggles reached that point of no return, having known what is mercifully (and I use that word specifically) chronic low-grade depression most of my adult life but also periods that were dangerous, and life-threatening.
We have to move away from the shame in our society about depression and mental illness. We are seeing that now. Losses…out in the fields or within our hearts…are a wakeup call. Let’s listen. It is only through acknowledging openly the darkness when it arises, if it arises, that we can continue to grow. To hear a spring song, perhaps sung quietly, but in the tune of our own true voice.
For anyone who is directly or indirectly touched by depression or mental illness, please reach out. We are here for you.
With much Love and Gratitude,
Thanks for a beautiful post Heather. I have fought depression since my early twenties.I know you know that there of levels of depression. Feeling low for some and a real chemical change for others that you just can not make go away. Mine has eased over the years, and I am happy to say I am finally in a marriage where I have the most understanding husband.He makes me laugh which is a wonderful trait in a man.Keep doing what you are doing..finding beauty in your world and sharing it with others…Janey
That was beautiful Heather. You choose your words so carefully, so gently. In many ways your posts are a balm to my soul, as are your beautiful photos of life's small things. I am not going through the best time in my life at the moment. I am stuck in a job that no longer holds my interest nor does the company have my loyalty. Yet there is a dearth of jobs in my field at the moment and I have nowhere to go. I keep telling myself that some people, including some of my oldest friends, are dealing with worse but, it doesn't always help to lift my dark moods. My blog used to be my outlet but, last January I decided to stop updating my old one and started a new one. Not sure it was a good decision. I seem to be at a loss for words at the moment.
Un orage peut être puissant et dévastateur lorsqu'il s'abat sur la nature, mais il est une bénédiction pour celle ci, tant la croissance de la végétation s'en trouve amplifiée les jours suivants. Comment réellement apprécier le bonheur, la vie si on n'a pas connu la peine, le désespoir, la mélancolie? Les chemins tortueux et cabossés ne sont pas ceux que la majorité des gens préfèrent, ils choisissent plutôt une belle autoroute droite pour rouler vite, les vitres fermées sur le monde et l'extérieur. Merci Heather de laisser place aux faiblesses, aux imperfections, et de les magnifier à travers les mots, les images que tu captures et que tu nous offre. Ta sensibilité est une chose si rare et précieuse de nos jours. Et tant pis pour ceux qui n'en saisissent pas la beauté et la profondeur… Keep the faith and the beauty in you, and thank you so much for your precious share.
I am so thankful for your acknowledgement of the shadows because as you say they certainly are always there.
Also, if shopping is your thing, Corey Amaro, who writes the wonderful blog "Tongue in Cheek" hosts visits in Provence for people interested in old things, and all things Provençal. I can't find a link to the actual group (The French Muse), but here is a link to her blog post about one of them. I know if you were to email her, she would respond. She's lovely. http://willows95988.typepad.com/tongue_cheek/2018/05/the-first-day-of-the-french-muse.html
Thank you Heather for this. This exact subject has been on my mind all week. I'm going to tell you a very personal story.
My mother suffered with severe depression her whole life, caused, perhaps, by severe abuse by her adoptive parents. My childhood was fraught with the uncertainty of her mood swings, and while she was never successful, I know she wanted to end her life, and I suspect she had several attempts (mysterious comings and goings late at night, followed by Mom in a darkened room the next day with my worried Dad tiptoeing around) my mother's illness was never discussed, and she displayed a perfect veneer to the outside world, and should have won acting awards for her ability to fool everyone around her….except her children, whom she frightened. It was not until I went away to college that she was finally hospitalized, following (I assume, no one would ever say) a more serious attempt. And the whole time, nothing was said. The stigma of her illness was a heavy weight that we all had to carry. It harmed her, but it also harmed her children in ways we are still trying to unravel.
In the last years of her life, Mom apologized to me for being a bad mother. I told my mom that I loved her. And I pointed out to her that in spite of the challenge of her illness, she had raised successful, happy children. It was a hard conversation to have, and I'm getting teary remembering it. In the last days of her life, a hospice worker asked my mom about her childhood…had it been a happy one? I waited for the usual litany of childhood abuse stories and heard my mom say "oh it was so happy, it was the best childhood". Dementia had taken away the terror of the abuse, and Mom was finally free. She died shortly after that.
Talking about the issue is the only way to remove the stigma. With huge gratitude to you for the conversation, I am sending you love.
May I recommend my friend Sue Ann's travel group? While it is geared for artists, she has assured me that anyone who loves to look at beautiful things is welcome to sign up. She arranges (with the most amazing accommodations and restaurants) visits in Paris and Provence. And I can tell you that she is a vibrant, loving, life-filled friend. There are many groups like this, at many different price points and often they are attended by women of a certain age, in the exact situation you are finding yourself. Here is the link: http://www.myarttrip.com
I am always happy when a post from you arrives in my mailbox.
Depression is a tough nut to crack. I bet almost everybody has had a fight with it, whether long or short. Yet it's hard to talk about.
Is your new paramour a strawberry grower? If so, that would rank right up there with masseuse in the best métiers for a partner.
Judi, is there a prosperous church near you? If so, check out there various Sunday School classes. It’s a great way to meet people and there might be other single women whom you could get to know and with whom you could travel.
Thinking of you and your path. It’s been difficult at times losing my dear husband Chris 2 1/2 yrs ago, after having been together for 51 years. I’m sometimes lost, but moving along. I took a big step for me yesterday. I took my book and went to the local Thai restaurant tand had dinner by myself. The first time. It was actually quite enjoyable. They didn’t even ask me if I was a party of one! I’ve been wanting to travel, but feel Unsure of doing it on my own, and not crazy about idea of a fast and furious tour. Also that “single supplement” is nasty! Looking for a travel partner who is healthy enough, isn’t working, has a bit of money to do so, or who doesn’t want to only travel with their spouse! Not easy! I do get depressed that I can’t have what I once had (in many ways), and I know I’m fortunate to have some wonderful travel memories with my husband – but it’s not always easy to move forward. I’m working on it, and I think you are, too! A round of applause, and of course thank you for your beautiful words and photos!