You might have guessed.
But just in case you haven’t, I will admit it. I am starting to date again.
I know.
I signed up for a site here called “Adopt un Mec” (yes, adopt a guy) where the woman gets to be proactive, but still…all of my insecurities are coming back up. Popping like popcorn and I definitely feel on the fire. Tears have fallen. But there have been moments of fine delight too.
Last Sunday, it was warm enough for my date and I to have a glass of wine in the sun on a café terrace. We would talk and then hold each others gaze. It was within that look where words were not needed that inspired me to lean over and kiss him. He hadn’t seen it coming. It was such a good kiss that an elderly man walking by stopped to say, “Bravo. c’était beau ça.” We laughed and I shooed our observer away.
I have worked so hard to get here. Even if I am at times struggling mightily not to slip back into old patterns of being – and most certainly to risk in trusting again – I feel sparks of pride too. For I am trying, not always doing and I took over a year to just be with me. I didn’t rush and as much as long to be held, I do not want to fall into anyone’s arms either but act knowingly.
It is such a waltz of advance and retreat.
The most confusing element for me is disappearance. A contact will start to be established, launched by the man, and when “the mayonnaise starts to take hold” (as they say here), poof! No further sign of life. It has happened so much that I finally asked some of my guy friends about it and they responded that some people just want that reassurance, to know that a certain woman finds them interesting.
Admittedly, I stumble too and patience has never been my strong point. I can reveal far too much too soon if I am interested in someone but I also can blow my lips in frustration if it feels like making conversation is akin to pulling teeth. I have had far too many messages that say simply, “Comment ça va?” and I don’t really know what to do with those, well-intentioned as they may be. There is a musician who has left me his phone number, I don’t know why I haven’t called him yet.
This is not completely new. I was seeing someone for three months and did not write about it here as he is an exceptionally private person. I can be too. It is a line that we all find, over and over again.
It feels strange and wonderful and vulnerable to be meeting men anew after so many, many years with my ex. And yet, oh how I love them. Men. There is the age issue. I have been contacted by a lot of younger men and conversely I am not 100% confident about sharing this 48 year body yet, especially with men my own age. Sometimes it feels like work to write in French when I don’t want it to and long to just jot off a quick reply in my mother tongue. We shall see were this goes, if it even, finally, goes anywhere.
The question is: Can I do this and remain true to my own sweet self? I don’t know yet…
I hope that a man comes along that will appreciates all of the gifts that you have to give. Don't settle Heather…he is out there.
yes yes yes yes! I remember these days, too. Meeting so many people, telling the same story over and over, the jerks, the really nice guys who just were not "right" and then…there he was. Mine. Imperfect, but unmistakably mine. Enjoy the process, and the journey. xoxo
I meant to add that the first photo is not only a beautiful photo, but it could so be a beautiful watercolor! Just love it!
Well done Heather, I was so very excited to read this post, you have come a long way my friend and you have done it all yourself. Bravo! You are most definitely a woman to love…xxx
Dear Heather, what an honest and beautiful post. You capture so well the necessary dance between emotional risk-taking and emotional distance. Bravo to you – I wish you the best of affirming and enriching experiences and as few jerks as possible! xxx
Wishing you happy adventures! And no jerks, although that's usually impossible 🙂
Bravery makes the better story, I think xx
So very brave and so exciting! I sometimes think I’d like a partner. I loved having Chris for long, but I do miss having another special being. I fantasize sometimes about meeting someone, but it’s just daydreams. And, those can be fun, too. I’m afraid having 25 years on you, my .dating. Life is a sweet memory. I’m so hopeful for you, to enjoy the moment, whether it leads to something more or is just a fun, exciting, silly, weird moment at the time, the present is here and now! Chris bought me a silver ring in Avignon and it’s enscribed with “maintenant et ici”. I’ve been wearing it lately and I think the message might be for you, too. Have fun!
You are more courageous with each encounter. You tack when necessary to advance on your journey. Even if you make a mistake, correct & carry on with the adventure. Feel the sun on your face & the wind lifting your hair!
Also, do you follow @tracymcmillan on Instagram? If not, you might find her inspiring. Today's advice: "Stay away from people who make you feel like you're hard to love." Good advice for every kind of relationship, I'd say.
Best of wishes Heather. I hope you meet someone special. Yes, men can be weird creatures. One of my most confident friends told me that unless a girl called him back, he wouldn't bother because he was afraid he'd be rejected. I had no idea the other sex could be so vulnerable.