Hello.
Well, the fact that I am starting to get search dog emails tells me that it is time to check in with this amazing community to explain the reason for my silence. And for those of you who reached out, please know that I am deeply, deeply moved by such gestures, especially in this time of transition. One where, admittedly, I have been wrestling with the chimera of loneliness quite a lot.
I am in Avignon, la Cité des Pâpes, currently working a two-month contract that will continue through October. Such temporary contracts, or CDDs, are very common in France. They give the employer a means of “trying out” someone before committing to the far more binding permanent contract, the elusive CDI (which one needs in order to, say, buy a car on credit or rent an apartment). What this means for me is that I am on an island of seeming-security in the midst of a strong current. And it has been interesting to observe the ugly head of perfectionism rearing its head as a result. I have been pushing myself hard to advance – for there is much to learn – and judging myself harshly when I “fail.” All of these modes of being are ones that I thought that I had left behind long ago, but they are apparently very old stories that still need to be brought to light. Hopefully, with kindness.
There have been some gifts along the way, the most important of which is that my friend Anthony’s Mom is renting me a beautiful studio (see above to understand how perfect this is) that I will be able to stay in if my contract is extended. My ex has been kind enough to let me store some of my possessions in the old house and helped me to move a few carefully chosen items to Avignon last week. That was a hard day. While I had long since made my peace with the end of our 15-year relationship and had disconnected from that beautiful home, saying au revoir to Kipling, whom I will no longer be seeing on a regular basis, was brutal. I am crying to think on it, and how much I miss him, so I will move on…
The idea all along was for me to purposefully not try to launch into a third career yet (nor have I, realistically, regained the self-confidence to start my own business but am getting there) but rather to get what my Sister and I used to call “a job-job” back in our acting days that would support me while I could continue to be creative, which is where my heart is and has always been. However, the reality is that I am too exhausted from working such long hours and so have not been able to keep that part of my spirit as active as I would like, save for the occasional short bursts on Instagram (@lostinarles). In time, my wish is that I will build up strength so that I can put down the words and take the photographs on a more regular basis. Or I will have to find another solution. I woke up this morning with a very clear thought in my head: “my life cannot be only this.” In France, they call it “métro, boulot, dodo” or “commute, work, sleep” (then repeat).
Last night was a rare evening off and I walked and walked the streets of Avignon. The light was splendid golden, that September sun fading creating long shadows as the crowds passed in silhouette. It is a city and I have again passed into anonymity, something long since forgotten after so many years of living in the Provençal village and Arles. I listened to jazz in front of the Palais des Pâpes, then wandered through the vernissage of an exhibition in the magnificent Palais de Roure, tenuously clutching my rosé in a plastic cup while watching the old families of this grand town air kiss. It was pleasant. Afterwards, I lit all the candles in my studio, put on some beautiful music and found myself staring off into space, thinking and letting the feelings come up of all that has changed, of all that is in motion.
I am still coming up for air, rising and rising. And then sometimes falling back. Not drowned or flying but still here, breathing in my bones; filled with longing but also grateful. I am not sure what is next. But none of us do.
One step, then the next, then the next…
It is all we can do. With all that is going on in the world, I am hyper aware that this is just my story. But I feel how it essential it is to try and remain open to the beauty and the good.
Thank you for being here,
With love from Avignon,
Heather
Heather, Very brave of you to reveal the fears we all face and yet do not show. Coming up for air is a much needed emotional place. Wishes for all good things, including a new animal rescue. My best, Anne
Hello Heather,
I hope your new job is going well. I am confident you will do very well. Avignon is a beautiful city and I wish you happiness and success.
Fondest wishes
Helen xx
I will do so.
First, I will say I did not know that about Teddy and that puts your comment about him in a different light.
And I understand that you are saying your blog was started by you, for you and you are who you are. I get that. But by publishing 'yourself' you do open yourself up to observations and critiques. You may not always be up for that. I've always been a person who looks hard at myself and expects others to do the same. I know many many people who won't or can't do that and that's their normal.
I do wish you well in your future Heather. We all find our own way in life. Basia xo
Lisa!!! It is so good to hear from you! How are you??
xoxox
I am super grateful for all of your support…
I too believe that her comment was written with kindness but with a complete disconnect to what I had written so as to be shocked. Just as with Sweet Retreat. Even though I am a redhead, it takes A LOT to get me angry. And my response was full of anger and I stand by it. Because I felt disrespected in both cases. That Teddy's needs were put in front of my own. That no one actually does believe me – without having visited the shelter and know the volunteers as I do – that yes, he is in the right place. As I have said before, he was adopted after Ellie's passing but was rescued by the shelter because he was being mistreated. He was adopted again but was returned because he was unmanageable. He lives in a big penned in area with a big doghouse with a dogbed in it. He shares that space with another dog who is his BFF. They love each other and everyone at the shelter loves Teddy dearly. He is a favourite. He is taken on long walks in the country twice a day. He is fed high quality dogfood. I walked right by Teddy when I adopted Kipling as he was not one of the dogs begging and barking to get out. This is his home.
As for getting out of my own head, I do write about other subjects, just as I had for years as a professional travel writer. I will say that they are by far the least read of what I do here. And those posts are a luxury that I can not quite afford yet. I am working non-stop, I have no friends here, I am alone. This blog was started by me, for me. That is still very much the case. I have not had even remotely the energy to write anything because of the physical and mental exhaustion created by my current work schedule but I wrote this post because I needed the support of the community that has evolved. I really did. So yes, I was angry to get what I felt was just a truly disrespectful and completely out of touch comment – and then continued backlash from my response – and I still am. I know that you are a long term reader and I am sorry to see you go. But I am me. This is an extension of me. I am not perfect nor do I want to be.
With all my best wishes to you.