Hello.
Well, the fact that I am starting to get search dog emails tells me that it is time to check in with this amazing community to explain the reason for my silence. And for those of you who reached out, please know that I am deeply, deeply moved by such gestures, especially in this time of transition. One where, admittedly, I have been wrestling with the chimera of loneliness quite a lot.
I am in Avignon, la Cité des Pâpes, currently working a two-month contract that will continue through October. Such temporary contracts, or CDDs, are very common in France. They give the employer a means of “trying out” someone before committing to the far more binding permanent contract, the elusive CDI (which one needs in order to, say, buy a car on credit or rent an apartment). What this means for me is that I am on an island of seeming-security in the midst of a strong current. And it has been interesting to observe the ugly head of perfectionism rearing its head as a result. I have been pushing myself hard to advance – for there is much to learn – and judging myself harshly when I “fail.” All of these modes of being are ones that I thought that I had left behind long ago, but they are apparently very old stories that still need to be brought to light. Hopefully, with kindness.
There have been some gifts along the way, the most important of which is that my friend Anthony’s Mom is renting me a beautiful studio (see above to understand how perfect this is) that I will be able to stay in if my contract is extended. My ex has been kind enough to let me store some of my possessions in the old house and helped me to move a few carefully chosen items to Avignon last week. That was a hard day. While I had long since made my peace with the end of our 15-year relationship and had disconnected from that beautiful home, saying au revoir to Kipling, whom I will no longer be seeing on a regular basis, was brutal. I am crying to think on it, and how much I miss him, so I will move on…
The idea all along was for me to purposefully not try to launch into a third career yet (nor have I, realistically, regained the self-confidence to start my own business but am getting there) but rather to get what my Sister and I used to call “a job-job” back in our acting days that would support me while I could continue to be creative, which is where my heart is and has always been. However, the reality is that I am too exhausted from working such long hours and so have not been able to keep that part of my spirit as active as I would like, save for the occasional short bursts on Instagram (@lostinarles). In time, my wish is that I will build up strength so that I can put down the words and take the photographs on a more regular basis. Or I will have to find another solution. I woke up this morning with a very clear thought in my head: “my life cannot be only this.” In France, they call it “métro, boulot, dodo” or “commute, work, sleep” (then repeat).
Last night was a rare evening off and I walked and walked the streets of Avignon. The light was splendid golden, that September sun fading creating long shadows as the crowds passed in silhouette. It is a city and I have again passed into anonymity, something long since forgotten after so many years of living in the Provençal village and Arles. I listened to jazz in front of the Palais des Pâpes, then wandered through the vernissage of an exhibition in the magnificent Palais de Roure, tenuously clutching my rosé in a plastic cup while watching the old families of this grand town air kiss. It was pleasant. Afterwards, I lit all the candles in my studio, put on some beautiful music and found myself staring off into space, thinking and letting the feelings come up of all that has changed, of all that is in motion.
I am still coming up for air, rising and rising. And then sometimes falling back. Not drowned or flying but still here, breathing in my bones; filled with longing but also grateful. I am not sure what is next. But none of us do.
One step, then the next, then the next…
It is all we can do. With all that is going on in the world, I am hyper aware that this is just my story. But I feel how it essential it is to try and remain open to the beauty and the good.
Thank you for being here,
With love from Avignon,
Heather
You are very kind to have written this comment. I am sure that Patricia did not mean any harm.
Patricia, you certainly took the high road in your reply and I am sure you did not mean to cause Heather pain. When I carefully read Heather's post the first time, I focussed on the fact that her friend's mother was renting her a beautiful studio. I didn't really think that it was tiny although that may be implied because it is a "studio" and that heather has to store some of her things. I never realized that Teddy was untrained. You were very well-meaning in your "off the wall suggestion". It was meant kindly. Don't think twice about it. Enough said.
Heather, you are so incredibly strong! I have nothing but admiration for you and your efforts at making a life! I'm glad you are safe and ensconced in an apartment in beautiful and fascinating Avignon. Working is always a double-edged sword, sometimes a reward within itself, sometimes a means to another way. I'm wishing you well, and hopefully, a good night's sleep after an exhausting day!
A friend told me this, this past year, year two after my husband's death and it has helped me at the most opportune times, to calm myself. I pass it along to you – I may have already sent it before, but that's ok. It's like a mantra and needs repeating (for myself anyway:)) "It's all going to be 'good' in the end. And if it's not yet 'good,' then it's just not yet the end." Bisous, mon amie!
I'm so appreciative of what you have written. I was feeling terribly lonely after today's missive, although I'm respecting the challenging effort that's being exerted by dear, dear Heather. I think I must be channeling her, or I'm putting my own projecting spin on 'it.'
Have courage, dear Heather. Sometimes, when we least expect it, the sun peeps again from behind the clouds and starts to shine again.
P.S. are you still in touch with Suze (Girl Wizard)? I cannot find her anywhere online and miss her a lot.
Keep rising! Know that we are all wishing you every good thing. xoxox
I was just thinking about you the other day and wondering… I am glad to see your stunning photography and read your beautiful words.
Ah hah! There you are. You are a very courageous woman, Heather. This move, along with the others you've experienced, only a brave woman like yourself could endure. You're already on your path of creativity – don't stop. I'm just so sorry to hear that the hours are exhausting, but if it helps to know — I'd come drink rosé from a plastic cup with you anytime!!! xoxo, Michelle
Oh dear Heather, I enjoy reading about your incredible life journey. You give me courage to continue to be creative and live life wholly. bESOS TO YOU.
Remember little steps, you will get there, so proud of you. Big hugs from the Charente Maritime xx