Hello.
Well, the fact that I am starting to get search dog emails tells me that it is time to check in with this amazing community to explain the reason for my silence. And for those of you who reached out, please know that I am deeply, deeply moved by such gestures, especially in this time of transition. One where, admittedly, I have been wrestling with the chimera of loneliness quite a lot.
I am in Avignon, la Cité des Pâpes, currently working a two-month contract that will continue through October. Such temporary contracts, or CDDs, are very common in France. They give the employer a means of “trying out” someone before committing to the far more binding permanent contract, the elusive CDI (which one needs in order to, say, buy a car on credit or rent an apartment). What this means for me is that I am on an island of seeming-security in the midst of a strong current. And it has been interesting to observe the ugly head of perfectionism rearing its head as a result. I have been pushing myself hard to advance – for there is much to learn – and judging myself harshly when I “fail.” All of these modes of being are ones that I thought that I had left behind long ago, but they are apparently very old stories that still need to be brought to light. Hopefully, with kindness.
There have been some gifts along the way, the most important of which is that my friend Anthony’s Mom is renting me a beautiful studio (see above to understand how perfect this is) that I will be able to stay in if my contract is extended. My ex has been kind enough to let me store some of my possessions in the old house and helped me to move a few carefully chosen items to Avignon last week. That was a hard day. While I had long since made my peace with the end of our 15-year relationship and had disconnected from that beautiful home, saying au revoir to Kipling, whom I will no longer be seeing on a regular basis, was brutal. I am crying to think on it, and how much I miss him, so I will move on…
The idea all along was for me to purposefully not try to launch into a third career yet (nor have I, realistically, regained the self-confidence to start my own business but am getting there) but rather to get what my Sister and I used to call “a job-job” back in our acting days that would support me while I could continue to be creative, which is where my heart is and has always been. However, the reality is that I am too exhausted from working such long hours and so have not been able to keep that part of my spirit as active as I would like, save for the occasional short bursts on Instagram (@lostinarles). In time, my wish is that I will build up strength so that I can put down the words and take the photographs on a more regular basis. Or I will have to find another solution. I woke up this morning with a very clear thought in my head: “my life cannot be only this.” In France, they call it “métro, boulot, dodo” or “commute, work, sleep” (then repeat).
Last night was a rare evening off and I walked and walked the streets of Avignon. The light was splendid golden, that September sun fading creating long shadows as the crowds passed in silhouette. It is a city and I have again passed into anonymity, something long since forgotten after so many years of living in the Provençal village and Arles. I listened to jazz in front of the Palais des Pâpes, then wandered through the vernissage of an exhibition in the magnificent Palais de Roure, tenuously clutching my rosé in a plastic cup while watching the old families of this grand town air kiss. It was pleasant. Afterwards, I lit all the candles in my studio, put on some beautiful music and found myself staring off into space, thinking and letting the feelings come up of all that has changed, of all that is in motion.
I am still coming up for air, rising and rising. And then sometimes falling back. Not drowned or flying but still here, breathing in my bones; filled with longing but also grateful. I am not sure what is next. But none of us do.
One step, then the next, then the next…
It is all we can do. With all that is going on in the world, I am hyper aware that this is just my story. But I feel how it essential it is to try and remain open to the beauty and the good.
Thank you for being here,
With love from Avignon,
Heather
I have thought very carefully before I decided to reply, just as I thought very carefully before I made my "off the wall" suggestion. For the second time today I have reread your earlier post about adopting Teddy, again very carefully.
I am sorry to have caused you pain, that was never my intention.
I missed you! Now I know about your life. Keep going dear Heather, life is going up now
Embarrassed by my typo–Know!!!
( I'm a former teacher of English!)
Heather, I think you're incredibly brave to be making a semi-new life back in France. I'm in awe that you had the courage to go back after your time with your mother (?) and sister. I'd still be rolled up in a ball under the covers.
Please keep us posted about whether you enjoy living in this part of France. It's an area I've heard of, of course, but no nothing about.
Btw, your picture of the stairs with those shadows is incredible. What an amazing photographer you are! ( Your pics of Venice are the best I've ever seen–and I've seen A LOT!!
Wishing you all the best…
Cheer and force! life has kept you pleasant surprises, you just have to resist. Kipling and you have a special story that will last forever.
Blessings and good energies for you life goes on …
Miriam from Ecuador
No, seriously? Did you actually read my post? Or did you just skim it? And if so, then why are you reading here? Because if you did not see the part where I broke down into deep tears while talking about how I am destroyed because I cannot have the means to be WITH MY OWN DOG WHO I LOVE AND MISS TERRIBLY…I cannot possibly understand how you can be so out of touch as to wonder if I can adopt a giant, untrained dog to bring him to live in a tiny studio where he would be alone for ten hours of the day? What part of that works for you or for him? And of course there is no consideration of me whatsoever in the equation. Did you see the part about my long hours that I am working? That I am too tired to do much of anything else?
I know that we all loved Ellie and that is the only reason that I was so foolish as to publish that post before verifying without a doubt that Teddy was not available for international adoption. I asked her if it would make her happy to try and get him adopted locally and if anyone would bother to read the original post, that was the clear intent. You cannot begin to imagine how much I regret that post now, nor the hate mail that I continue to receive because of it.
In the seven years of doing this blog, I have NEVER called anyone out but this is it. I am exhausted and done.
It is pleasing to read about your new beginning, but your heart must be aching for Kipling. Life will be kinder to you Heather, but it takes its own time."Métro, boulot, dodo" has been the story of my life and I'm forever finding it extremely difficult to break out of this cycle. Bisous
This was so beautifully written, and so well said. I wrote the second sentence on a piece of paper and will carry it in my wallet. Thank you.
I was wondering…. but suspecting that something was in the air. So glad you have found the job job, though I know how difficult it is to be creative while putting one's energies elsewhere. It sounds like yet another break with the past, like tearing off a sticky bandaid verrrrry slooowly. You'll get through it — sometimes you have to take it just one day at a time, sometimes just half a day at a time. Thinking of you and sending all my best thoughts your way always.
You have been on my mind……It will work out….whatever it is….
Ali