Hello.
Well, the fact that I am starting to get search dog emails tells me that it is time to check in with this amazing community to explain the reason for my silence. And for those of you who reached out, please know that I am deeply, deeply moved by such gestures, especially in this time of transition. One where, admittedly, I have been wrestling with the chimera of loneliness quite a lot.
I am in Avignon, la Cité des Pâpes, currently working a two-month contract that will continue through October. Such temporary contracts, or CDDs, are very common in France. They give the employer a means of “trying out” someone before committing to the far more binding permanent contract, the elusive CDI (which one needs in order to, say, buy a car on credit or rent an apartment). What this means for me is that I am on an island of seeming-security in the midst of a strong current. And it has been interesting to observe the ugly head of perfectionism rearing its head as a result. I have been pushing myself hard to advance – for there is much to learn – and judging myself harshly when I “fail.” All of these modes of being are ones that I thought that I had left behind long ago, but they are apparently very old stories that still need to be brought to light. Hopefully, with kindness.
There have been some gifts along the way, the most important of which is that my friend Anthony’s Mom is renting me a beautiful studio (see above to understand how perfect this is) that I will be able to stay in if my contract is extended. My ex has been kind enough to let me store some of my possessions in the old house and helped me to move a few carefully chosen items to Avignon last week. That was a hard day. While I had long since made my peace with the end of our 15-year relationship and had disconnected from that beautiful home, saying au revoir to Kipling, whom I will no longer be seeing on a regular basis, was brutal. I am crying to think on it, and how much I miss him, so I will move on…
The idea all along was for me to purposefully not try to launch into a third career yet (nor have I, realistically, regained the self-confidence to start my own business but am getting there) but rather to get what my Sister and I used to call “a job-job” back in our acting days that would support me while I could continue to be creative, which is where my heart is and has always been. However, the reality is that I am too exhausted from working such long hours and so have not been able to keep that part of my spirit as active as I would like, save for the occasional short bursts on Instagram (@lostinarles). In time, my wish is that I will build up strength so that I can put down the words and take the photographs on a more regular basis. Or I will have to find another solution. I woke up this morning with a very clear thought in my head: “my life cannot be only this.” In France, they call it “métro, boulot, dodo” or “commute, work, sleep” (then repeat).
Last night was a rare evening off and I walked and walked the streets of Avignon. The light was splendid golden, that September sun fading creating long shadows as the crowds passed in silhouette. It is a city and I have again passed into anonymity, something long since forgotten after so many years of living in the Provençal village and Arles. I listened to jazz in front of the Palais des Pâpes, then wandered through the vernissage of an exhibition in the magnificent Palais de Roure, tenuously clutching my rosé in a plastic cup while watching the old families of this grand town air kiss. It was pleasant. Afterwards, I lit all the candles in my studio, put on some beautiful music and found myself staring off into space, thinking and letting the feelings come up of all that has changed, of all that is in motion.
I am still coming up for air, rising and rising. And then sometimes falling back. Not drowned or flying but still here, breathing in my bones; filled with longing but also grateful. I am not sure what is next. But none of us do.
One step, then the next, then the next…
It is all we can do. With all that is going on in the world, I am hyper aware that this is just my story. But I feel how it essential it is to try and remain open to the beauty and the good.
Thank you for being here,
With love from Avignon,
Heather
well, I did wonder ….. I have just finished a period of nearly 4 months with not a single day without visitors here, or contractors, or both usually. I'm delighted to hear you have a good apartment, even if it isn't totally permanent. I hope your next post will tell us what the mystery job is! Persevere…….
bonnie
I know this is a seriously out there suggestion but could you find Teddy? You need a dog and he still needs a human as far as I am aware. If he does have a home could you let me know because I have been worrying about him since he went back to the shelter.
I love getting your posts, thank you for sharing them.
Did you sense me wondering what you've been up to? With all your talent you're gonna be just fine! I've been working on getting a new book into production. Xo
YOU ARE ON YOUR WAY!!!!!!!!!!!XX
Good luck to you Heather. We all need a little bit of luck in life. I sincerely hope you get to where you want to be . Once you have decided what that is, of course! Nice to hear from you again.x
Wishing you all the very best, and keeping fingers and toes crossed for you. Thank you for being so honest and sharing what's happening. Enjoy the present, the now, and I wish you a wonderful future.
Exquisite photos. Glad to read you've landed on your feet, for the moment. A job (albeit contract), a beautiful place to rent, Avignon, the basis for happiness when you steal moments. Food, shelter, the chance for creativity…the next adventure around the corner.
Anonymity clears the path and opens the gates between our "Self" and our "Gifts". In the loneliness and solitude dwells the seed of new beginning, new hope, new excitement, renewed passion. Rocket, you are on the launching pad .. Brilliant you, poised for the next flight, the next adventure .. connecting with, and sharing, your gift. Congratulations, Mahalo, et Merci for being Unique, Fascinating, Giving .. You.
" I woke up this morning with a very clear thought in my head: "my life cannot be only this." "
What wonderful words you have spoken. You have touched my heart through the years with your quiet, unassuming, heartfelt thoughts. I began to follow you because of your photos, because of where you lived and the life you were living. I continue to follow you because of you, who you are and your willingness to share the struggles we all face at one time or another. Thank you so much for giving us all of you. I am rooting for you here in Colorado!
It is "funny"–funny being more like constantly frustrating–how creativity requires constant recalibration to live with. What worked last year at this time doesn't work this year at this time and won't work next year at this time. As someone who seems to be much more subject to burnout and burying his head in the sand than you, I feel I can promise that creativity is always there. Even when the river runs dry for a bit. you know how many there are of us who believe in you and see clearly your talents! And as I arrogantly remind myself probably too often, no matter what's taken away from you, you'll always have your talents.