I had wanted to compare. And look backwards to see where I had been a year ago. I was convinced that I was “better” then.
However, life is not linear, so why should I be?
You see, it was my birthday on Friday and now I am 48. Which seems like a fine age, actually.
I can almost hear the paper scrape of turning the page in my mind as I have imagined it so many times. And yet the truth is that I am not yet all the way there. Still no definite job, still living out of a suitcase, jumping from house to house. Emotionally moved on yes, thankfully, despite the occasional angry fires, although not getting to where I want to go in any aspect of practical life, no matter how hard I have insisted.
But that does not make me a failure. And in these past days, the word that has risen like a wave again and again is resilient. I am resilient.
I have not given up on my dreams even when it has been suggested – always with true kindness – that perhaps I am hurting myself to stay. And if I do have to cede that it is just not going to happen for me in France (money is running out), then I will take my hoping elsewhere.
There are certain people who are embarrassed for me that I have not found my way here yet, who have shuffled away without looking me in the eye. But I am not. I have seen how hard it is to make one’s life alone as a foreigner in France, and most certainly as a woman without means.
My heart is still true. I am sticking to what I know in terms of beauty and creativity and love because it is what I believe in.
It has been an incredible year with strong experiences. I dared to take the plane to come back to see, then vowed to try and stay when I knew that my couple was indeed over. I know what it is like to be with a man who is not my ex and to feel deeply appreciated. I fell in love with a mysterious city. I nursed Ben through the end of his life and let him go with peace.
Still here. Resilient. “At 48? You are still a baby.” I heard that the other day. And I agree. Not only because age is relevant (albeit often inconclusive) but because there is much in me that is in awe, that marvels at this life, just like a child. Just maybe – or not – with wiser eyes to see.
PPS. Curiosity did not kill the cat. 🙂 Only after hitting “publish” did I go back to see where I was last year, after all. If you wondered the same, you can find out by clicking here.
You're a brave person and I admire you; I know things have not been easy, and your ability to "keep on keeping on" is impressive. Here's to a good year.
Dear Heather,
I'm late to the party! Have been out of town and missed sending you birthday wishes. From this post, you clearly had a wonderful day.
Am so glad you are enjoying the summer and spending quality time with your friends. Happy Belated Birthday!
All my best,
Laura in Santa Fe
I do?? Wow, that is pretty awesome! Yay! And yes to change for us both!! xox
I truly agree with you, R. I am so grateful!
And when you have absolutely no idea where you are going or whom you are traveling with? ;)) Yes, thank you for this bit of wisdom. My friendships are so very dear to me…
You ARE so young and strong, Maria! I feel it in each of your responses, the vibrancy and force of your spirit. I am so very sorry for the pain that you have experienced but I am grateful for your reminder that it is possible to move beyond it and thrive.
xo
Merci, Ali. That is very kind of you to say (I am dubious! 😉 and for the encouragement!
Thank you, Judi. Your strength and honesty inspire me. xo
Crying. Yet again. Every time that I read your kindness and the poem, I cry. In recognition, in deep appreciation and profound gratitude I suppose. I love you, David. I know that you aren't joking. Thank you, my true friend.
Happy Belated Birthday and how I am sending all Good Wishes of Prosperity as you open up the house. It is going to be a fascinating new chapter, one that fits perfectly.
H