I had wanted to compare. And look backwards to see where I had been a year ago. I was convinced that I was “better” then.
However, life is not linear, so why should I be?
You see, it was my birthday on Friday and now I am 48. Which seems like a fine age, actually.
I can almost hear the paper scrape of turning the page in my mind as I have imagined it so many times. And yet the truth is that I am not yet all the way there. Still no definite job, still living out of a suitcase, jumping from house to house. Emotionally moved on yes, thankfully, despite the occasional angry fires, although not getting to where I want to go in any aspect of practical life, no matter how hard I have insisted.
But that does not make me a failure. And in these past days, the word that has risen like a wave again and again is resilient. I am resilient.
I have not given up on my dreams even when it has been suggested – always with true kindness – that perhaps I am hurting myself to stay. And if I do have to cede that it is just not going to happen for me in France (money is running out), then I will take my hoping elsewhere.
There are certain people who are embarrassed for me that I have not found my way here yet, who have shuffled away without looking me in the eye. But I am not. I have seen how hard it is to make one’s life alone as a foreigner in France, and most certainly as a woman without means.
My heart is still true. I am sticking to what I know in terms of beauty and creativity and love because it is what I believe in.
It has been an incredible year with strong experiences. I dared to take the plane to come back to see, then vowed to try and stay when I knew that my couple was indeed over. I know what it is like to be with a man who is not my ex and to feel deeply appreciated. I fell in love with a mysterious city. I nursed Ben through the end of his life and let him go with peace.
Still here. Resilient. “At 48? You are still a baby.” I heard that the other day. And I agree. Not only because age is relevant (albeit often inconclusive) but because there is much in me that is in awe, that marvels at this life, just like a child. Just maybe – or not – with wiser eyes to see.
PPS. Curiosity did not kill the cat. 🙂 Only after hitting “publish” did I go back to see where I was last year, after all. If you wondered the same, you can find out by clicking here.
Patricia, I can understand that because with each birthday I feel like, "Yahoo! I am still here!" 🙂 I never get that when people are sad on their birthdays about getting older.
And something tells me you are a pretty good friend too.
xo
What a wonderful wish you gave me, dear Helen. Thank you!
No, we are friends, Judith. No modifier needed! There is still a lot that I don't share. And I question that sometimes. It is always really telling what I keep hidden!
You have always "seen" me here and I am incredibly, incredibly grateful to you.
love
H
Sister. I have thought about your response here SO MANY TIMES since I read it. I have. I love you with all of my crazy heart.
How I hope that you are right! And I am working on trusting in that. And I DO try to find the beauty and enjoyment. It is key. 🙂
Much Mahalo to you Bill, for being the unflaggingly supportive friend who is always encouraging me to go beyond what I think that I am capable of. You set the bar high, and I am grateful for you.
We share a birthday 🙂 I am 10 years older than you. 48 seems like a fantastic age. 58 is OK too! A friend of mine went on a journey much like yours… very similar … and she landed in Italy and is making a life there because that's what she wanted and she did it though many people thought she was crazy. It can be done!
Happy birthday! I love this post. How triumphant in yourself you sound! Cheers to this exciting new year!
Happy birthday….the good thing is you are healthy, got stronger and stronger and
you have real friends on your side, because good friends are hard to find, harder to leave and impossible to forget
Life, no matter who you spend it with and where you are, becomes more precious with each passing year. The moments should be savored a bit longer, the memories tucked deeper away and the friendships cherished even more. Change is scary even when you think you know where you are going and with whom you are traveling. . .Happy Birthday!