Today is my birthday.
I want, I need for it to be a really quiet one.
As with many things of late, I notice that it is the “the first without Remi” in many years. That is hard.
And in writing that, I understand all of the sudden why my Sister has been so intent in making sure that I don’t just let it slip downstream unnoticed. She is extra thoughtful that way.
So there will be gifts despite my saying that, “You all do enough for me as is” and if the weather permits, maybe we will move the table out to the expansive oak tree under whose reaching arms my Mother and Leonard
were married not so long ago.
But it is to another such tree, further down the road that I am thinking just at present. Actually, I have been eyeing it, sometimes surreptitiously, others with open mouthed wonder, since I arrived out at my Sister’s
farmhouse, where I am now officially living. Another room and bags to unpack, a place-marker where, thankfully, I am warmly invited to feel at home.
This oak is perhaps not the largest in the neighborhood but I love it for its scars. It’s a many-headed Hydra. How often has it been struck by lightning and yet kept growing? Where can I trace the outlines of branches that were cut to the trunk only to continue pushing out in an opposite direction? It is just there, at the side of the road. It doesn’t have to be the best tree.
It is just there.
Intuition isn’t needed to divine why this means something to me.
Maybe I can keep one tradition of recent years and get to a museum, as I have always
liked to do. As if in seeing art, I can call it towards my heart for the year ahead, knowing that I am driven by creativity and love, determined to fuel up on blind faith and winged hope.
And that, is beautiful. My family here will sing to me and not even off-key.
(My family there will most likely be silent, moving forward on their own trajectory. Best then to “choose joy” and “be here now” – these catchphrases coating wisdom – for we can only be responsible for ourselves.)
I am so grateful for this birthday and a merit badge of 47, so young still – or at least as
Thich Nhat Hanh might wish, “Happy Keeping Going.” The oak trees stand strong on their own and yet are very much a part of their environment, the surrounding nature, just as I have my own, my human nature too. And I am proud to still be here. I have fought and cried and laughed and am held by something universal, thrumming in us all.
****
Earlier this week I had the good fortune to speak to someone for a few minutes who has been through unspeakable difficulties in life from his earliest days. And he has fallen down many times and I mean fallen beyond what we can know and yet he managed to get back up, through dedicated work, every time. Over and over again. He spoke quietly, there was no survivor’s swagger; it was a human exchange. We can be so hard on ourselves – me worst of all – and it just points us in the wrong direction. And it isn’t…very humble…because it suggests that we already know the answer and just aren’t – for whatever reason – delivering. If we can have the courage to be honest and then act from a place of compassion – ok, still struggling with that one also as far as towards myself is concerned – it just makes so much more sense. Otherwise, we will just keep having to start over, which gets exhausting but hey, if that is what has to happen, well, then so be it. That too, broken open but done. I think about something really simple that I read in one of Glennon Doyle Melton‘s articles lately, “Remember. Don’t be afraid. Begin again.”
We don’t have to be the best tree. Let’s keep going.
Happy Birthday because it just might be today.
Thank you for all of your responses on my previous post, one million pageviews isn’t the same as a million people but in the strength of your kindness you just might make it so.
With much Love and Gratitude,
Heather
*These are just iphone photos (and I know that they are similar to a lot of what I have been posting here of late) but sometimes I think that it is good to have beauty be a simple, everyday occurence that isn’t so preciously documented as to make it seem rare…because it isn’t. 🙂
**No art in a museum today but I had my tarot read by a fascinating man on the street and it was such a fulfilling experience that it did the job just as well. So, living art instead.
Happy birthday Heather. Hope the year ahead is full of beautiful promises.
happy birthday, my friend. you wrote "As if in seeing art, I can call it towards my heart for the year ahead, knowing that I am driven by creativity and love, determined to fuel up on blind faith and winged hope." I feel that way when I read your posts. Thank you for your gifts.
Happy birthday, Heather! This will be a wonderful year for you.
Heather, you are young by any standards. Life will be good again. I know, because I've suffered so so much, through many different trails. We, as humans, cannot help but HOPE. This is our savior. Just get back out there as soon as you can. A wonderful life awaits you because you're SUCH a wonderful person, filled with amazing talent. It's your time now.
Looking good Heather…. Love the shoes!
Happy Birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy Birthday dear Heather
Happy Birthday to you.
Yes that was in tune…..
I often go to the Vancouver Art Gallery on my birthday, but this year I went for lunch
with a friend, followed by a hike.
When I got home I had six messages phone messages all singing happy birthday.
They were great fun to listen to. I listened to all of them twice, except the one that was so
Painfully out of tune, i deleted it half way through. Not everyone can carry a tune. Bless their generous hearts. it made me laugh that much harder.
And many more…… Bernadette
You look so beautiful under the tree! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, the life goes on circles up and down up and down, enjoy the up always!
Best birthday wishes for you, dear Heather! You are clearly in a positive state of being. Everyday, as you know, is a process, and you seem to be "processing" the present very well.
Sounds like you have a wonderful family to celebrate with, and the oak tree looks like a perfect summer spot!
Thinking of you and sending you love and joy on your special day!
Best birthday wishes for you, dear Heather! You are clearly in a positive state of being. Everyday, as you know, is a process, and you seem to be "processing" the present very well.
Sounds like you have a wonderful family to celebrate with, and the oak tree looks like a perfect summer spot!
Thinking of you and sending you love and joy on your special day!
Wishing you the best of birthdays! As you go through this year of "first____without Remi" remember that this too shall pass…a year passes so quickly. May this year of re-invention be one of discovery and joy…and hope for the future. You are remarkable, talented and lovely. Sending you so much love!
(and don't apologize for the iPhone photos! Steve says he has so much more fun using his phone for photos than he ever did his huge professional camera. And it is so much easier to carry around! Your photos are always beautiful…it's not really about the camera, as you know. It's about the eye. And you've got a good one!) xoxo
Hello Heather,
So lovely to see your post today. Wishing you a very Happy Birthday and may this year bring you only goodness. You are beautiful, youthful, stylish, intelligent and wise. What a valuable package you are.
I just know in my heart that his year will be one of your best ever.
Helen xx