It feels like we will never be the same sometimes. I understand.
Because we won’t and we aren’t, already. How our life changes and changes us, so swiftly, every day, so that we are swept up, often mercifully unaware, just breathing, moving through.
A wise friend counseled me not long ago that sometimes, there are no answers. I wanted so desperately to understand what had happened in my life, to get that knowledge all under control so that I could heal but I couldn’t. Because the answers were not mine to give. And finally, I can only be responsible for myself.
These are dark times. Since the Thursday night terrorist attack in Nice, I have been crying and praying. I collapsed on my knees from the pain and buried my head into the seat of my reading chair like a child, spent.
One night, right before I left Provence, she gave me an au revoir sunset. Spectacular. I leaned out of the window from the room of my own and photographed each phase until night. I sat with the weight of my shattered heart and every time I have looked at these photos since then, I am taken directly back to those emotions of deep loss and fear. And yet I kept them.
Yesterday, I realized that we could reverse their order and count back to the beginning, to light.
And in so doing, we can gently remove layer after layer of the veils that cover our truest nature.
Love.
Therein lies the path to sanity – one that I need to consciously be on right now – and eventually, through our grieving, to Peace.
There is no room to apologize for what might sound overly sentimental in emergencies such as these, so I will just say, “I need you. Can we do this together?” Ok, then, thank you. Here we go.
To Peace.
I am sending you all so much love and strength right now. It is all I know to do. My prayers are for all of us, for those directly touched by this unspeakable tragedy in my beautiful adopted country and beyond.
I have been listening to this album by Moby before going to bed. It has helped me. I find the first movement especially beautiful. You can find it for free by clicking here.
On Thursday, I stayed up late praying and meditating. I use the Insight Timer app on my phone and one of the things that I really appreciate about it is that I can see who else is using it at the same moment all over the world. Well, at around 2am, I could see so many people waking up in France and joining me, far more than I had ever seen online before. That gave me so much hope. It is our instinct to survive and find our way out of the darkness, be it personal or collective. I only have an inkling of “why” we are being put through such trials but again, having an answer is not really the solution.
We are.
Thank you Heather. Your beautiful photos and words were so needed, and you inspired me to find that great app too:) Sending love
Thank you for this, Edgar and for the meditation that you kindly sent.
I most certainly agree with you about light…and you know that I love Rilke…but I also think of the poem by Rumi that includes…"Don't turn your head. Keep looking at the bandaged place. That is where the light enters you."
You are an amazing woman, T. I am so incredibly grateful for your perspective (and Tom's) and just that you are somehow, after…28? years…still a part of my life. Not to mention that where you are at now inspires me to no end. Now, if only I could handle all of this with your perfect sense of humor…
With much love to you right back,
h
Elizabeth, I am so incredibly sorry to know that this happened to you. I understand all that you have said and thank you so much for the honesty in your response, it moved me greatly.
I am in the midst of helping my Mom and her husband prepare to move but I will email you soon, if that is all right. I would really like to be in contact.
Until then, I am sending much Love and Gratitude,
H
Oh Heather! thank you for replying in greek! Really heartwarming! A turkish friend of mine is in prison right now. He has two small children. Fuck…
“back to the beginning, to light.”
Suffering is a twin of love which we will not be able to separate but only endure. Like you said and Rilke, live the questions now.
Yes. We are all created by light and to light we will return.
The sequences of photos, your narration and music are meditations by themselves.
I loved taking the time to meander through your room. Oh! how I've longed for that. Still do.
Many moons ago, when I was struggling with leaving the Prior Husband, I was mad at me for not "seeing" it ahead of time (or, more aptly, seeing the signs and ignoring them) and also … I had no plan! I had zero idea of what was ahead and I sort of felt like (half punitive, half practical) I had to have the map and plan in front of me before I left PH.
So my wise friend Tom said "It is your right to not know." Hmm. It stayed with me, I clung to that little pebble of wisdom and rubbed it daily or hourly, as I drove west to Seattle w/out any "reason" other than I wanted a happier life. It's sort of like that Harry Potter map that didn't reveal the path until it was dark (or some such qualifier). If you don't put the parchment on the floor, and give it tie, you won't give the magic map a chance to draw out some ideas.
xo much love
Heather,
I have been following along on your journey through the darkness and into the light. I am sad that you have experienced this heartbreak and believe me when I say that I feel your pain. My heart was shattered in a million pieces just two years ago and if I may be honest I thought I might never recover. I found myself completely helpless and alone, as I do not live near family. For some time I cut everyone off except a friend, mainly because I did not want my family to worry about me when there was nothing they could do. With the help of a few good friends, a therapist, yoga and a lot of reflection I have come out the other side. For better or worse, I am not the same and sometimes that breaks my heart. I am no longer the naive,hopeful person that I used to be but I am stronger and that has to be a good thing.
Thank you for sharing your story and your courage. You are a brave woman and your posts and photos offer comfort in this crazy lonely world.
Helen, I am so very grateful to hear that all involved are safe and sound but the fear that must have come out of that horrific night must have been very deep. I understand.
Thank you for your kind wishes, Helen. I hope the same for you.
Hello Heather, Your images are spectacular and so perfectly fit to shed light and hope on the horrific events of Thursday. My god child and nephew lives 100 metres from Hotel Negresco in Nice and we spoke all night. He was on his way out to meet his girlfriend, following the fireworks when the mayhem started, The police had just arrived and he had to return home. His girlfriend was missing and located the following morning. She is well.
Wishing you peace, joy and hope dear Heather
Helen xx