It feels like we will never be the same sometimes. I understand.
Because we won’t and we aren’t, already. How our life changes and changes us, so swiftly, every day, so that we are swept up, often mercifully unaware, just breathing, moving through.
A wise friend counseled me not long ago that sometimes, there are no answers. I wanted so desperately to understand what had happened in my life, to get that knowledge all under control so that I could heal but I couldn’t. Because the answers were not mine to give. And finally, I can only be responsible for myself.
These are dark times. Since the Thursday night terrorist attack in Nice, I have been crying and praying. I collapsed on my knees from the pain and buried my head into the seat of my reading chair like a child, spent.
One night, right before I left Provence, she gave me an au revoir sunset. Spectacular. I leaned out of the window from the room of my own and photographed each phase until night. I sat with the weight of my shattered heart and every time I have looked at these photos since then, I am taken directly back to those emotions of deep loss and fear. And yet I kept them.
Yesterday, I realized that we could reverse their order and count back to the beginning, to light.
And in so doing, we can gently remove layer after layer of the veils that cover our truest nature.
Love.
Therein lies the path to sanity – one that I need to consciously be on right now – and eventually, through our grieving, to Peace.
There is no room to apologize for what might sound overly sentimental in emergencies such as these, so I will just say, “I need you. Can we do this together?” Ok, then, thank you. Here we go.
To Peace.
I am sending you all so much love and strength right now. It is all I know to do. My prayers are for all of us, for those directly touched by this unspeakable tragedy in my beautiful adopted country and beyond.
I have been listening to this album by Moby before going to bed. It has helped me. I find the first movement especially beautiful. You can find it for free by clicking here.
On Thursday, I stayed up late praying and meditating. I use the Insight Timer app on my phone and one of the things that I really appreciate about it is that I can see who else is using it at the same moment all over the world. Well, at around 2am, I could see so many people waking up in France and joining me, far more than I had ever seen online before. That gave me so much hope. It is our instinct to survive and find our way out of the darkness, be it personal or collective. I only have an inkling of “why” we are being put through such trials but again, having an answer is not really the solution.
We are.
Judi, I can imagine how this would be especially sad for you Judi. Sending a warm hug…
I do, Joan.
Thank you, Julie. The honor is mine.
Then we are together in agreement yet again. I hope all is going well as you search for solutions yourself. Important ones…
I hope that you are right, Emm. That is the idea. Or it was anyway. I still haven't thanked you yet for your previous response – so thank you for both…and for the excuse to read Sonnet 29 again. It did me good. 🙂
And I hit a wall on Friday with the sadness of the information and so have been giving myself permission to take a step back too. It doesn't always help, this constant awareness.
I reconnected with one of my old favorite Moby songs recently! This is beautiful. Those intense colors. it's important to still see beauty despite all the ugliness.
THE PHOTOS ARE STUNNING AS YOU ARE……………..KEEP PEDALING!
XOXO
Thank you for this post, Heather.
I no longer have words so I am glad that you are able to give voice to what many of us would like to say but can't. I trust your heart will slowly start to heal. Lovely photos of a beautiful sunset.
Oh Heather….with you…
Ali x