I
think that today I am ready to tell you what is going on. I have been
ghost-dancing around this decision for quite some time now.
think that today I am ready to tell you what is going on. I have been
ghost-dancing around this decision for quite some time now.
I hope that you will be patient and understanding. Because more than ever I realize that “the only way past is through.”
So. I am writing you from the United States. Michigan, to be precise.
Remi and I are “taking a break” or a trial separation, if you prefer.
Do
you remember when we had the head-on collision in the beginning of
January? While we both were so fortunate to walk away physically
unscathed, it became apparent, within days, that a lot of important emotional
issues had been shaken loose and brought to the surface.
you remember when we had the head-on collision in the beginning of
January? While we both were so fortunate to walk away physically
unscathed, it became apparent, within days, that a lot of important emotional
issues had been shaken loose and brought to the surface.
While
the details of those issues only concern the two of us, the outcome was
that we would take these months apart. To be clear – we did not fight, both of us are at “fault” for
lack of a better word and these are issues that developed over a long
period of time.
the details of those issues only concern the two of us, the outcome was
that we would take these months apart. To be clear – we did not fight, both of us are at “fault” for
lack of a better word and these are issues that developed over a long
period of time.
However,
I can tell you that I did not see this coming and I was
devastated. It all happened quite quickly. This is, by far, one of the
most challenging periods that I have been through in my life.
I can tell you that I did not see this coming and I was
devastated. It all happened quite quickly. This is, by far, one of the
most challenging periods that I have been through in my life.
I miss Remi, our home, Provence and our dogs.
But. But, this is an opportunity. And I am taking it.
My
friend Stephen joked that I was going to “rehab” before I got here and
that is really kind of perfect in its way as I am taking a good long
look at my life and my behavior. Stripped of so much of what has been my
world, there is plenty of room not only for introspection but also for
action.
friend Stephen joked that I was going to “rehab” before I got here and
that is really kind of perfect in its way as I am taking a good long
look at my life and my behavior. Stripped of so much of what has been my
world, there is plenty of room not only for introspection but also for
action.
And so that is what I am doing.
I
am incredibly grateful to have had a safe place to land. My Mom and her Husband have welcomed me into their guestroom, my Sister is
close by. They have literally held me up when I needed it.
am incredibly grateful to have had a safe place to land. My Mom and her Husband have welcomed me into their guestroom, my Sister is
close by. They have literally held me up when I needed it.
At
46, I am learning to drive. I am petrified, especially after the
accident, but am breathing through it. Actually, so much of what I am
going through is about facing or “leaning into” my fear (as the very
wise Tara Brach puts it) and shining a light into the dark. That
includes my well-being so I started therapy and am attending Al-Anon meetings.
My Sister has sponsored me for a class in Tibetan Buddhism and I have
started meditating. I bought a stack of books before arriving to help me
understand me better and have been reading voraciously. My tennis shoes are getting put on every single
day as I exercise. My diet has been completely shifted to eliminate
inflammation (more on that soon) and I have lost over twenty pounds,
safely. I have never eaten so healthily in my life. My pen is my friend
as I have been journaling again. And alcohol has been completely
cut back so that I can think straight and hear my heart. I don’t want to
hide. I am learning so much.
46, I am learning to drive. I am petrified, especially after the
accident, but am breathing through it. Actually, so much of what I am
going through is about facing or “leaning into” my fear (as the very
wise Tara Brach puts it) and shining a light into the dark. That
includes my well-being so I started therapy and am attending Al-Anon meetings.
My Sister has sponsored me for a class in Tibetan Buddhism and I have
started meditating. I bought a stack of books before arriving to help me
understand me better and have been reading voraciously. My tennis shoes are getting put on every single
day as I exercise. My diet has been completely shifted to eliminate
inflammation (more on that soon) and I have lost over twenty pounds,
safely. I have never eaten so healthily in my life. My pen is my friend
as I have been journaling again. And alcohol has been completely
cut back so that I can think straight and hear my heart. I don’t want to
hide. I am learning so much.
On Monday, I ran into someone that I had not seen in a few weeks who said, “It makes me really happy to see you doing so much better, Heather.” That felt good.
Many
of you have been through this or similar or harder already in your lives. I am
well aware that this is just my current story but I wanted to let you
know about it before diving back into the beauty of Provence. Of course I am
going to keep the blog going, am staying up to date on all that is happening and prepared material before leaving – such as these photos of the magnolia tree in the courtyard,
taken with the hopes of one day having the courage to make this post happen. I didn’t talk
about this sooner only because I was a) frankly too much of a mess to find the right words
and b) afraid that I would lose all of you when I admitted that I wasn’t
in France. But again, I am tired of fear running the show. I also remember how you remained loyal during those months when I was in the States for visa reasons in 2014. And it is just better this way.
of you have been through this or similar or harder already in your lives. I am
well aware that this is just my current story but I wanted to let you
know about it before diving back into the beauty of Provence. Of course I am
going to keep the blog going, am staying up to date on all that is happening and prepared material before leaving – such as these photos of the magnolia tree in the courtyard,
taken with the hopes of one day having the courage to make this post happen. I didn’t talk
about this sooner only because I was a) frankly too much of a mess to find the right words
and b) afraid that I would lose all of you when I admitted that I wasn’t
in France. But again, I am tired of fear running the show. I also remember how you remained loyal during those months when I was in the States for visa reasons in 2014. And it is just better this way.
Yes, I do have a return ticket for France.
Do I know what will happen? I have no idea. But I am doing my best to stay positive and open.
Let’s keep moving forward then, yes?
It is never too late to unfold the bloom.
****
To those of you that have known about this, thank you so dearly for all of your kindness, wisdom and support.
Some of you have gone above and beyond, including an amazing friend who I am going to meet very soon…I may not post for a bit but not to worry, I will be having a very good time!
Thank you so much for being here and I ask that you are considerate of all parties if you leave a comment, much appreciated. Your responses to my previous post made me feel wonder-ful and full of hope.
Be well.
Bisous,
Heather
You know, all those years ago, that I sought you out. Out of the vast internet world as I saw something in your photographs and in your writings I recognized as very very special. I championed you, which surprised you, but I knew I was right. Being in France was not the reason. You could have been anywhere and I would have loved you. It is YOU, not the landscape which is important. And, yes, all of us have travails in life, some of us never understand we can correct, change, overcome, re-think, leave garbage behind, and create ourselves all over again in any way we like. You are doing that & you will succeed. You may seem fragile, but I know you are not. Your devoted virtual friends will not allow you to be alone. WE are ALL here for you. Look at the huge number of comments left by people on whom you've made a beautiful impression. My home is open to you at anytime, if you would like to spend time in Houston, go to the Houston Texan football games with me, have dinner at the Tex-Mex with all the girls on Sunday night, help me walk my beloved dog, Bono, and sit quietly in the pew at my church…you are welcome, it would only be me and you. Please tell me how you lost 20 pounds, as I need to do the same thing !!!! I love love love you !!
I so admire and respect what you are doing, Heather. I will always read what you write and look at your photographs, no matter where you are. You teach me with every post, you generous soul. May your pain soon be transformed into something that feels better, Leslie in Oregon
Dearest Heather, I have been away for so long and am only just catching up on your recent posts. I am sorry to hear about you and Remi but so happy to hear you are taking this time to really find yourself and go within. I too have been journeying within albeit for different reasons – having a baby made me want to dig deep and align with my soul, to learn to really love myself. For myself and for little family. Sending much love your way xxx
Just checked in after a pause and am now wishing you all the best Heather!
Learning,learning always learning….sometimes hard sometimes wonderful, sometimes hard and wonderful together! hugs h
Life is sorrow-overcome it, life is a game-play it, life is life-fight for it.
My heartiest wishes for both of you.
Dear Heather,
For some reason I had missed this post until today. It explains a lot. I was sensing some discomfort there somewhere, recently.
Thank you for your beautiful poignant post, as painful as it must have been to bare all. It took courage to show a willingness to be vulnerable. We appreciate your courage and honesty. All your blogging friends are there to carry you and support you.
Please do continue your posts. As many others have written, it is not so much France that is what we value in your writing. It is your observation skills. Your keen eye for detail and the beauty in imperfection or simplicity. You notice small things others would pass by and not "see". You have a lens focused on beauty and fine elements that is unique. You teach us to see and to value things that others would rush past and not notice. There is an honesty and a valuing of things that your readers' respect. And your sense of wonder at what you see, through your camera lens.
All of that is not just contained in France. I would like to see your perspective of Michigan or anywhere else you happen to be!
I know you must also be missing your puppers!
You are fortunate to have friends like La Contessa, who must have showered you with American warmth and a big hospitable hug.
Take care of yourself!
Very best wishes,
Deborah C – Melbourne, Australia
HEATHER, I have followed along with you for years and enjoyed your stunning photos, your pups, and your adventures, even the one year in the state where if my memory serves me right the weather stranded you in Michigan? I even commented to you then that I was from Michigan as well.
Anyway, I am rooting for you. Whatever happens is what is right for you. Take the time that you need, go to therapy, it is always nice to talk to someone who is not a friend or family but has your best interest at heart.
I went through a crisis myself in 2014, I thought my life was over and frankly there were days when the only thing that got me out of bed was therapy and my pups. I look back on that time and being so far from family and friends was a terrible detriment to me because I frankly I needed them to support me in a way that is different from talking on the phone and email.
Take care of yourself FIRST! YOU are the most important thing right now.
I admire your courage for telling your story and will be here with everyone else to offer support.
A big hug to you,
Elizabeth
Dear Heather,
Your brave honesty is refreshing and so helpful got those who struggle with tough choices. Your writing has always taken my breath away! Sending best wishes for your exciting future!
Hey girly with the glorious hair. We old play readers often wonder how you doing. We are not gossipy types and actually all this is news to me. So I am, as requested, leaving you a message dear heart. If you are ever in Paris call us and we shall have a most unhealthy sugary snack & drink of coffee or beer or green tea. If wont matter. As long as old mates can get together. But if you are not in Paris then lets do that virtually here. Cheers & hugs flying to you. I enjoyed many of the above comments. People are so eloquent and delicate. But Im not. 😉 So Im going to wish you a wicked time of going off and doing new stuff and meeting new & old people and liking yourself at least a half as much as the rest of us love and admire you. Even those of us who have not see you in a ruddy decade ! Take care. Keep in touch. I will pop back onto this blog now and then. And when I see the play reading ladies Sally, Sandy & Barratt I will say hi from you and we will cluck and peck 🙂 Big kisses hon. Lucille xox
Somehow I missed this post so thank you for the post of today as it led me here — and I had been wondering at the silence, and had kind of guessed through your veiled words in previous posts. A couple of things struck me: I follow your blog because of you, not because of where you are. I love your photography (your eye) and the way you weave words. So, blog about Michigan – there is beauty there as well. Secondly, the introspection and self-work is a good thing. I did the same about fifteen years ago and it was life changing. Difficult, oh my yes, and painful but I emerged a better person. I used the book "Inner Compass" by Margaret Silt and highly recommend it if it isn't already in the pile you have. And, lastly, Al-Anon is a wonderful program. My husband went for a while and it has helped him come to terms with his relationship (or lack thereof) with his son. Hugs to you, Heather. And Godspeed.