I
think that today I am ready to tell you what is going on. I have been
ghost-dancing around this decision for quite some time now.
think that today I am ready to tell you what is going on. I have been
ghost-dancing around this decision for quite some time now.
I hope that you will be patient and understanding. Because more than ever I realize that “the only way past is through.”
So. I am writing you from the United States. Michigan, to be precise.
Remi and I are “taking a break” or a trial separation, if you prefer.
Do
you remember when we had the head-on collision in the beginning of
January? While we both were so fortunate to walk away physically
unscathed, it became apparent, within days, that a lot of important emotional
issues had been shaken loose and brought to the surface.
you remember when we had the head-on collision in the beginning of
January? While we both were so fortunate to walk away physically
unscathed, it became apparent, within days, that a lot of important emotional
issues had been shaken loose and brought to the surface.
While
the details of those issues only concern the two of us, the outcome was
that we would take these months apart. To be clear – we did not fight, both of us are at “fault” for
lack of a better word and these are issues that developed over a long
period of time.
the details of those issues only concern the two of us, the outcome was
that we would take these months apart. To be clear – we did not fight, both of us are at “fault” for
lack of a better word and these are issues that developed over a long
period of time.
However,
I can tell you that I did not see this coming and I was
devastated. It all happened quite quickly. This is, by far, one of the
most challenging periods that I have been through in my life.
I can tell you that I did not see this coming and I was
devastated. It all happened quite quickly. This is, by far, one of the
most challenging periods that I have been through in my life.
I miss Remi, our home, Provence and our dogs.
But. But, this is an opportunity. And I am taking it.
My
friend Stephen joked that I was going to “rehab” before I got here and
that is really kind of perfect in its way as I am taking a good long
look at my life and my behavior. Stripped of so much of what has been my
world, there is plenty of room not only for introspection but also for
action.
friend Stephen joked that I was going to “rehab” before I got here and
that is really kind of perfect in its way as I am taking a good long
look at my life and my behavior. Stripped of so much of what has been my
world, there is plenty of room not only for introspection but also for
action.
And so that is what I am doing.
I
am incredibly grateful to have had a safe place to land. My Mom and her Husband have welcomed me into their guestroom, my Sister is
close by. They have literally held me up when I needed it.
am incredibly grateful to have had a safe place to land. My Mom and her Husband have welcomed me into their guestroom, my Sister is
close by. They have literally held me up when I needed it.
At
46, I am learning to drive. I am petrified, especially after the
accident, but am breathing through it. Actually, so much of what I am
going through is about facing or “leaning into” my fear (as the very
wise Tara Brach puts it) and shining a light into the dark. That
includes my well-being so I started therapy and am attending Al-Anon meetings.
My Sister has sponsored me for a class in Tibetan Buddhism and I have
started meditating. I bought a stack of books before arriving to help me
understand me better and have been reading voraciously. My tennis shoes are getting put on every single
day as I exercise. My diet has been completely shifted to eliminate
inflammation (more on that soon) and I have lost over twenty pounds,
safely. I have never eaten so healthily in my life. My pen is my friend
as I have been journaling again. And alcohol has been completely
cut back so that I can think straight and hear my heart. I don’t want to
hide. I am learning so much.
46, I am learning to drive. I am petrified, especially after the
accident, but am breathing through it. Actually, so much of what I am
going through is about facing or “leaning into” my fear (as the very
wise Tara Brach puts it) and shining a light into the dark. That
includes my well-being so I started therapy and am attending Al-Anon meetings.
My Sister has sponsored me for a class in Tibetan Buddhism and I have
started meditating. I bought a stack of books before arriving to help me
understand me better and have been reading voraciously. My tennis shoes are getting put on every single
day as I exercise. My diet has been completely shifted to eliminate
inflammation (more on that soon) and I have lost over twenty pounds,
safely. I have never eaten so healthily in my life. My pen is my friend
as I have been journaling again. And alcohol has been completely
cut back so that I can think straight and hear my heart. I don’t want to
hide. I am learning so much.
On Monday, I ran into someone that I had not seen in a few weeks who said, “It makes me really happy to see you doing so much better, Heather.” That felt good.
Many
of you have been through this or similar or harder already in your lives. I am
well aware that this is just my current story but I wanted to let you
know about it before diving back into the beauty of Provence. Of course I am
going to keep the blog going, am staying up to date on all that is happening and prepared material before leaving – such as these photos of the magnolia tree in the courtyard,
taken with the hopes of one day having the courage to make this post happen. I didn’t talk
about this sooner only because I was a) frankly too much of a mess to find the right words
and b) afraid that I would lose all of you when I admitted that I wasn’t
in France. But again, I am tired of fear running the show. I also remember how you remained loyal during those months when I was in the States for visa reasons in 2014. And it is just better this way.
of you have been through this or similar or harder already in your lives. I am
well aware that this is just my current story but I wanted to let you
know about it before diving back into the beauty of Provence. Of course I am
going to keep the blog going, am staying up to date on all that is happening and prepared material before leaving – such as these photos of the magnolia tree in the courtyard,
taken with the hopes of one day having the courage to make this post happen. I didn’t talk
about this sooner only because I was a) frankly too much of a mess to find the right words
and b) afraid that I would lose all of you when I admitted that I wasn’t
in France. But again, I am tired of fear running the show. I also remember how you remained loyal during those months when I was in the States for visa reasons in 2014. And it is just better this way.
Yes, I do have a return ticket for France.
Do I know what will happen? I have no idea. But I am doing my best to stay positive and open.
Let’s keep moving forward then, yes?
It is never too late to unfold the bloom.
****
To those of you that have known about this, thank you so dearly for all of your kindness, wisdom and support.
Some of you have gone above and beyond, including an amazing friend who I am going to meet very soon…I may not post for a bit but not to worry, I will be having a very good time!
Thank you so much for being here and I ask that you are considerate of all parties if you leave a comment, much appreciated. Your responses to my previous post made me feel wonder-ful and full of hope.
Be well.
Bisous,
Heather
I'm late to comment …. but it seems you are on the right path with family support and all your blog pals on your side. We all have non perfect lives at some point. The trick is to learn and go forward.
Decades of marriage to an alcoholic. Hope was wearing me down. Finally realized I had to give my hope for him to G*d. I didn't lose hope, but was no longer weighted with hope.
Fear. Queen of fear. Epiphany, a question. What would I do tomorrow if I were not afraid? Now, several good choices appear, none fear based.
.
I 2nd the Anne Morrow Lindbergh book !!
The group Lois founded to help friends/families of alcoholics? The BEST !!
Garden & Be Well, XO T
Sending love to you, what a difficult time. But you are handling it with extreme grace and are accomplishing so much, I think it's amazing. XOX
So sorry you are going through this, if it hurts, and yet I know that even things that hurt can lead you to places of joy and peace. Feel no shame. These things happen in the lives of all kinds of people, with no respect to "good" or "bad."
Dear Heather,
Life throws us curve balls for a reason…we come through them stronger, we learn more about ourselves, and we know what to let go of before we can move on.
Your family sound loving and supportive and my goodness your readers adore you and are standing behind you wishing you the greatest success. Learning to drive and visiting The Antique Goddess in California sounds like a wonderful adventure!
I have one book reccomendation, no make that two for you to consider reading…AGift from the Sea by Anne Morrow Lindbergh and Simple Abundance by Sarah Ban Breatnach…both helped me during a very dark time in my life.
Wishing you all the best,
Leslie
XO
I am coming over via The Contessa and wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you. I've walked a similar path and think you are facing things beautifully. I hope you had some restorative time in the gardens and, you are right, it is never too late to unfold the bloom.
Your writing this has helped people in more ways than you know, most of us can only ever hope to be so brave and determined.
We all know how hard it is to get up and do all those things, especially when one is aching, but you do it, showing yourself and the world that there is always something to achieve no matter the circumstance. Thank you.
I wish the both of you peace in your hearts and a path that enlightens your lives wherever you are ♡
With all my love, and all my best,
Bashaer x
Brave and beautiful as always, Heather.
Sending love.
1.Your blog is about you, you write and we love what you write. Provence is the dessert.
2. You are very lucky to have a family that loves and supports you.
3. Dont do everything at once, one thing at the time.
From one that had been greatly devastated, her life had been upside down financially and emotionally but keep going.
Many many kisses to you everywhere you are.
Oh Heather, this is so personal, I feel I am intruding by commenting. Having just connected with each other, your thoughtful, kind, sensitive soul was immediately shared with me and I thank you for that. Buddha will help … "As you walk and eat and travel, be where you are …". Keeping you in my thoughts.