I
think that today I am ready to tell you what is going on. I have been
ghost-dancing around this decision for quite some time now.
think that today I am ready to tell you what is going on. I have been
ghost-dancing around this decision for quite some time now.
I hope that you will be patient and understanding. Because more than ever I realize that “the only way past is through.”
So. I am writing you from the United States. Michigan, to be precise.
Remi and I are “taking a break” or a trial separation, if you prefer.
Do
you remember when we had the head-on collision in the beginning of
January? While we both were so fortunate to walk away physically
unscathed, it became apparent, within days, that a lot of important emotional
issues had been shaken loose and brought to the surface.
you remember when we had the head-on collision in the beginning of
January? While we both were so fortunate to walk away physically
unscathed, it became apparent, within days, that a lot of important emotional
issues had been shaken loose and brought to the surface.
While
the details of those issues only concern the two of us, the outcome was
that we would take these months apart. To be clear – we did not fight, both of us are at “fault” for
lack of a better word and these are issues that developed over a long
period of time.
the details of those issues only concern the two of us, the outcome was
that we would take these months apart. To be clear – we did not fight, both of us are at “fault” for
lack of a better word and these are issues that developed over a long
period of time.
However,
I can tell you that I did not see this coming and I was
devastated. It all happened quite quickly. This is, by far, one of the
most challenging periods that I have been through in my life.
I can tell you that I did not see this coming and I was
devastated. It all happened quite quickly. This is, by far, one of the
most challenging periods that I have been through in my life.
I miss Remi, our home, Provence and our dogs.
But. But, this is an opportunity. And I am taking it.
My
friend Stephen joked that I was going to “rehab” before I got here and
that is really kind of perfect in its way as I am taking a good long
look at my life and my behavior. Stripped of so much of what has been my
world, there is plenty of room not only for introspection but also for
action.
friend Stephen joked that I was going to “rehab” before I got here and
that is really kind of perfect in its way as I am taking a good long
look at my life and my behavior. Stripped of so much of what has been my
world, there is plenty of room not only for introspection but also for
action.
And so that is what I am doing.
I
am incredibly grateful to have had a safe place to land. My Mom and her Husband have welcomed me into their guestroom, my Sister is
close by. They have literally held me up when I needed it.
am incredibly grateful to have had a safe place to land. My Mom and her Husband have welcomed me into their guestroom, my Sister is
close by. They have literally held me up when I needed it.
At
46, I am learning to drive. I am petrified, especially after the
accident, but am breathing through it. Actually, so much of what I am
going through is about facing or “leaning into” my fear (as the very
wise Tara Brach puts it) and shining a light into the dark. That
includes my well-being so I started therapy and am attending Al-Anon meetings.
My Sister has sponsored me for a class in Tibetan Buddhism and I have
started meditating. I bought a stack of books before arriving to help me
understand me better and have been reading voraciously. My tennis shoes are getting put on every single
day as I exercise. My diet has been completely shifted to eliminate
inflammation (more on that soon) and I have lost over twenty pounds,
safely. I have never eaten so healthily in my life. My pen is my friend
as I have been journaling again. And alcohol has been completely
cut back so that I can think straight and hear my heart. I don’t want to
hide. I am learning so much.
46, I am learning to drive. I am petrified, especially after the
accident, but am breathing through it. Actually, so much of what I am
going through is about facing or “leaning into” my fear (as the very
wise Tara Brach puts it) and shining a light into the dark. That
includes my well-being so I started therapy and am attending Al-Anon meetings.
My Sister has sponsored me for a class in Tibetan Buddhism and I have
started meditating. I bought a stack of books before arriving to help me
understand me better and have been reading voraciously. My tennis shoes are getting put on every single
day as I exercise. My diet has been completely shifted to eliminate
inflammation (more on that soon) and I have lost over twenty pounds,
safely. I have never eaten so healthily in my life. My pen is my friend
as I have been journaling again. And alcohol has been completely
cut back so that I can think straight and hear my heart. I don’t want to
hide. I am learning so much.
On Monday, I ran into someone that I had not seen in a few weeks who said, “It makes me really happy to see you doing so much better, Heather.” That felt good.
Many
of you have been through this or similar or harder already in your lives. I am
well aware that this is just my current story but I wanted to let you
know about it before diving back into the beauty of Provence. Of course I am
going to keep the blog going, am staying up to date on all that is happening and prepared material before leaving – such as these photos of the magnolia tree in the courtyard,
taken with the hopes of one day having the courage to make this post happen. I didn’t talk
about this sooner only because I was a) frankly too much of a mess to find the right words
and b) afraid that I would lose all of you when I admitted that I wasn’t
in France. But again, I am tired of fear running the show. I also remember how you remained loyal during those months when I was in the States for visa reasons in 2014. And it is just better this way.
of you have been through this or similar or harder already in your lives. I am
well aware that this is just my current story but I wanted to let you
know about it before diving back into the beauty of Provence. Of course I am
going to keep the blog going, am staying up to date on all that is happening and prepared material before leaving – such as these photos of the magnolia tree in the courtyard,
taken with the hopes of one day having the courage to make this post happen. I didn’t talk
about this sooner only because I was a) frankly too much of a mess to find the right words
and b) afraid that I would lose all of you when I admitted that I wasn’t
in France. But again, I am tired of fear running the show. I also remember how you remained loyal during those months when I was in the States for visa reasons in 2014. And it is just better this way.
Yes, I do have a return ticket for France.
Do I know what will happen? I have no idea. But I am doing my best to stay positive and open.
Let’s keep moving forward then, yes?
It is never too late to unfold the bloom.
****
To those of you that have known about this, thank you so dearly for all of your kindness, wisdom and support.
Some of you have gone above and beyond, including an amazing friend who I am going to meet very soon…I may not post for a bit but not to worry, I will be having a very good time!
Thank you so much for being here and I ask that you are considerate of all parties if you leave a comment, much appreciated. Your responses to my previous post made me feel wonder-ful and full of hope.
Be well.
Bisous,
Heather
Life is the journey we are taking together, Heather. Relationship changes mean adjustment not abandonment (for the friends of the couple involved). I have learned so much through your blog and Remi's instagram and admire both of you as individuals, my friendship and support is for both or you equally in the hope you find the road you want to travel on next be it alone or together. Your self searching will bring tears, laughter and love for yourself and others, concentrate on loving yourself and the rest will follow. Love and strength to you both in this part of the journey. Maureen
I am glad to read you are paying attention to yourself by being good to yourself with an open heart. Keeping your blog up anyway you feel like it can be helpful as well as interesting (for you to see where you go with posting while you are progressing to another phase of an interesting life.) In amazing ways, a blog can be a thread unbroken that helps bring all the fabric of our lives together.
Heather,
I echo every comment made above. I too could sense a change in your posts. My heart bleeds that by separating you must be so far away from the country, people and puppies you love. Continue on your positive path. Can't wait to hear where that takes you. All the best to you.
Nina – also in Michigan (just a few miles north)
I'm thrilled you are cocooned with the love and warmth of both your mom and your sister. There are few accidents in life (I believe) and the scary head on you survived six months ago was a jolt in more ways than one.
And, don't be ridiculous!, you could probably make the food court in the middle of nowhere look amazeballs. If you head to west coast, let me know!
xoxoxo
Heather,
I have not commented before– ever– on any blog. But, I love your blog and wanted you to know that I will follow you from Arles, or wherever your life and energy take you. Please know that so many of us are sending best wishes. (Somehow blogger has come up in my daughter's name.
Please pardon my awkward entry to commenting.) Sincerely, Andrea Nash
This post is less cryptic, but no less complex than others.
Thank you for once again giving us so much to reflect upon.
Sending you goodness,beauty, and joy.
Bernadette
The bloom will come. "Don't let your heart be troubled."
Dear Heather (and your readers),
I woke up this morning and immediately thought "Oh…I need to delete that comment I wrote yesterday". And, then, I thought "Well, it's the TRUTH…and that, for once, is a breath of fresh air in this particular household." So, I'm letting it stand.
Much more importantly, you and your readers (I was very gladdened to read the comments sent to you) should all go to this song by Carrie Newcomer (one of my three or favorite singer/songwriters these days). your comment about "leaning in" immediately reminded me of it (not that, during this past, pretty dreadful year, I've ever forgotten it for more than a day or so; I've relied on this song a great deal).
go to:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=47CFh_2Aw0k
fondly as ever,
david terry
http://www.davidterryart.com
I don't so much follow your blog, as follow the two of you on Instagram. I had been wondering where you both went and had begun to worry. I am glad you are both safe and well, but I am sorry for your struggles. Walk in peace, and may your path be filled with light and love.
Oh dear Heather,
Getting this news out there..and off of your chest is a big step, and I am positive not easy to do. All of your wonderful followers have said it all. It is so true that we all show up for you..Provence was just the icing on the cake…You know there is icing on cupcakes too 🙂 Not to promote myself…but if you have a chance…read what I discovered last week in Southern France. You will get through this. Love, Janey