I
think that today I am ready to tell you what is going on. I have been
ghost-dancing around this decision for quite some time now.
think that today I am ready to tell you what is going on. I have been
ghost-dancing around this decision for quite some time now.
I hope that you will be patient and understanding. Because more than ever I realize that “the only way past is through.”
So. I am writing you from the United States. Michigan, to be precise.
Remi and I are “taking a break” or a trial separation, if you prefer.
Do
you remember when we had the head-on collision in the beginning of
January? While we both were so fortunate to walk away physically
unscathed, it became apparent, within days, that a lot of important emotional
issues had been shaken loose and brought to the surface.
you remember when we had the head-on collision in the beginning of
January? While we both were so fortunate to walk away physically
unscathed, it became apparent, within days, that a lot of important emotional
issues had been shaken loose and brought to the surface.
While
the details of those issues only concern the two of us, the outcome was
that we would take these months apart. To be clear – we did not fight, both of us are at “fault” for
lack of a better word and these are issues that developed over a long
period of time.
the details of those issues only concern the two of us, the outcome was
that we would take these months apart. To be clear – we did not fight, both of us are at “fault” for
lack of a better word and these are issues that developed over a long
period of time.
However,
I can tell you that I did not see this coming and I was
devastated. It all happened quite quickly. This is, by far, one of the
most challenging periods that I have been through in my life.
I can tell you that I did not see this coming and I was
devastated. It all happened quite quickly. This is, by far, one of the
most challenging periods that I have been through in my life.
I miss Remi, our home, Provence and our dogs.
But. But, this is an opportunity. And I am taking it.
My
friend Stephen joked that I was going to “rehab” before I got here and
that is really kind of perfect in its way as I am taking a good long
look at my life and my behavior. Stripped of so much of what has been my
world, there is plenty of room not only for introspection but also for
action.
friend Stephen joked that I was going to “rehab” before I got here and
that is really kind of perfect in its way as I am taking a good long
look at my life and my behavior. Stripped of so much of what has been my
world, there is plenty of room not only for introspection but also for
action.
And so that is what I am doing.
I
am incredibly grateful to have had a safe place to land. My Mom and her Husband have welcomed me into their guestroom, my Sister is
close by. They have literally held me up when I needed it.
am incredibly grateful to have had a safe place to land. My Mom and her Husband have welcomed me into their guestroom, my Sister is
close by. They have literally held me up when I needed it.
At
46, I am learning to drive. I am petrified, especially after the
accident, but am breathing through it. Actually, so much of what I am
going through is about facing or “leaning into” my fear (as the very
wise Tara Brach puts it) and shining a light into the dark. That
includes my well-being so I started therapy and am attending Al-Anon meetings.
My Sister has sponsored me for a class in Tibetan Buddhism and I have
started meditating. I bought a stack of books before arriving to help me
understand me better and have been reading voraciously. My tennis shoes are getting put on every single
day as I exercise. My diet has been completely shifted to eliminate
inflammation (more on that soon) and I have lost over twenty pounds,
safely. I have never eaten so healthily in my life. My pen is my friend
as I have been journaling again. And alcohol has been completely
cut back so that I can think straight and hear my heart. I don’t want to
hide. I am learning so much.
46, I am learning to drive. I am petrified, especially after the
accident, but am breathing through it. Actually, so much of what I am
going through is about facing or “leaning into” my fear (as the very
wise Tara Brach puts it) and shining a light into the dark. That
includes my well-being so I started therapy and am attending Al-Anon meetings.
My Sister has sponsored me for a class in Tibetan Buddhism and I have
started meditating. I bought a stack of books before arriving to help me
understand me better and have been reading voraciously. My tennis shoes are getting put on every single
day as I exercise. My diet has been completely shifted to eliminate
inflammation (more on that soon) and I have lost over twenty pounds,
safely. I have never eaten so healthily in my life. My pen is my friend
as I have been journaling again. And alcohol has been completely
cut back so that I can think straight and hear my heart. I don’t want to
hide. I am learning so much.
On Monday, I ran into someone that I had not seen in a few weeks who said, “It makes me really happy to see you doing so much better, Heather.” That felt good.
Many
of you have been through this or similar or harder already in your lives. I am
well aware that this is just my current story but I wanted to let you
know about it before diving back into the beauty of Provence. Of course I am
going to keep the blog going, am staying up to date on all that is happening and prepared material before leaving – such as these photos of the magnolia tree in the courtyard,
taken with the hopes of one day having the courage to make this post happen. I didn’t talk
about this sooner only because I was a) frankly too much of a mess to find the right words
and b) afraid that I would lose all of you when I admitted that I wasn’t
in France. But again, I am tired of fear running the show. I also remember how you remained loyal during those months when I was in the States for visa reasons in 2014. And it is just better this way.
of you have been through this or similar or harder already in your lives. I am
well aware that this is just my current story but I wanted to let you
know about it before diving back into the beauty of Provence. Of course I am
going to keep the blog going, am staying up to date on all that is happening and prepared material before leaving – such as these photos of the magnolia tree in the courtyard,
taken with the hopes of one day having the courage to make this post happen. I didn’t talk
about this sooner only because I was a) frankly too much of a mess to find the right words
and b) afraid that I would lose all of you when I admitted that I wasn’t
in France. But again, I am tired of fear running the show. I also remember how you remained loyal during those months when I was in the States for visa reasons in 2014. And it is just better this way.
Yes, I do have a return ticket for France.
Do I know what will happen? I have no idea. But I am doing my best to stay positive and open.
Let’s keep moving forward then, yes?
It is never too late to unfold the bloom.
****
To those of you that have known about this, thank you so dearly for all of your kindness, wisdom and support.
Some of you have gone above and beyond, including an amazing friend who I am going to meet very soon…I may not post for a bit but not to worry, I will be having a very good time!
Thank you so much for being here and I ask that you are considerate of all parties if you leave a comment, much appreciated. Your responses to my previous post made me feel wonder-ful and full of hope.
Be well.
Bisous,
Heather
Heather, I'm in tears after reading this, but not sure which kind. Sad for everything you've been going through, and happy for the progress you've made and your incredible bravery. I continue to be so in awe of your ability to grasp this opportunity and rock it so that you come out other side with everything you are supposed to gain. I've read the universe will give us a slight nudge and then a larger and larger one until we get what we need. I'm so glad you both entered this phase of growth with a relatively slight "nudge." What you're doing is inspirational and it's all so good:) xo PS Your photos are stunning and, as always, perfect for your prose.
It is interesting, this blogosphere world, where we become so intertwined in each other's lives and develop such friendships and support. I find that many who read my blog know me much better than those real-life friends who want to meet for lunch or coffee. It is the friendships of people like you that I have come to treasure. So please remember that it is you and not your location in the world, that brings me back to your blog. This was a beautifully written piece and I look forward to reading of your journey forward. Enjoy each day. xxx Jackie
Heather, I will continue to read your blog no matter where you are and who you are with. Bon courage mon amie.
sending light and love your way.
It is you, Heather, as all the others have said. YOU and your beautiful words and pictures are the reason we return and why so many of us consider ourselves your friends. Those words and pictures have illuminated your life for our benefit, for which I am so grateful. But I hope they help you, too, and that this post does, as well. I am so happy that you are finding some good in the changes. Who knows what the future will bring, but whatever it is, I hope it sees you happy.
Oh, Heather?…..the lyrics to that song (written by Mary chapin Carpenter and most convincingly sung by Mary Black) are:
When I was young I spoke like a child
And I saw with a child's eyes
And an open door was to a girl
Like the stars are to the sky
It's funny how the world lives up to
All your expectations
With adventures for the stout of heart
and the lure of the open spaces
But there's two lanes running down this road
Whichever side you're on
Accounts for where you want to go
Or what you're running from
Back when darkness overtook me
On a blind mans curve
I relied upon the moon
I relied upon the moon
I relied upon the moon
And St. Christopher
Now I've paid my dues 'cause I have owed them
But I've paid a price sometimes
For being such a stubborn woman
In such stubborn times
And I've run from the arms of lovers
I've run from the eyes of friends
I've run from the hands of kindness
I've run just because I can
And now I've grown and I speak like a woman
And I see with a woman's eyes
And an open door is to me now
Like the saddest of goodbyes
When it's too late for turning back
I pray for the heart and the nerve
And I rely upon the moon
I rely upon the moon
I rely upon the moon
And St. Christopher
Well, my goodness, Heather……what honesty (and, quite frankly, courage and clarity….the first two words that come to mind, having just read your posting).
I, too (and as you've no doubt noticed), have been "off the radar", "out of touch", whatever……….as my own domestic life was suddenly (and utterly unexpectedly) horribly (and with a considerable degree of sheer cruelty)turned upside-down. We can talk about this later…just telephone me, if you like, at (919) 245-0087.
Suffice it for now to say, however, that I'll be keeping this 220 year old old house and gardens (friends and family have stepped in to write the check and tell Herve where he can stick it, to be frank), I have all my dogs, all my friends (except for a few who were, it seems, only attracted by the money to begin with….but why would I ever sound bitter?)…..and, it seems, a whole lot of time on my hands to sit down and figure out how I INTEND to be happy (as I was for all the 3 decades before I married) for the remaining 25 or so years left to me.
It's that simple. Sink or start swimming…..not a choice I've ever, before these past two years, had to make in a privileged (or, obviously, just lucky) life in which nothing really bad has ever happened to me before now. In the end?…I recognize that I've been and, in almost all ways, am still a lucky boy.
Now, here's a song for you….and do recall that lyric "I rely on the heart and nerve".
go to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cgZCbHcp1JE
Much love being sent out your Michigan, Yankee way (say hey to your Mommer for me, please), and we'll talk soon, I hope,
David Terry
http://www.davidterryart.com
Sending you lots of love and strength, Heather.
You see,thats what I thought… Your readers are here because of what and how you write not because you write about France. Well yes also, but I remember those posts about Detroit a loooong time ago and the ones 2014 and I would LOOOVE to see posts and your way of seeing beauty in Michigan or wherever you are. Please!
But you just do as you feel!
And to be honest I am a lot into rough beauty and beauty in imperfection.
Learning to drive after having had an accident? Chapeau, dear Heather.
And welcome to the club of those who learned this year with 46 how to drive! ;-o
Will you drive with La Comtessa in California? I highly recommend it! Doing that you will feel a lot more comfortable behind the wheel!
I never dared to ask you about the doggies though. But I admire you took this opportunity and now I am happy you found the courage to tell your followers here.
Isn't it a relief?! Take a break if you like and go ahead with your healthy way of life! We'll be still here and other may come too.
Gros Bisous,
Silke
Darling Heather,
For those of us who love you — and I am sure we are many — it's all about you. . .your evocatively beautiful, sensitive, creative photography and your absolutely stunning writing.
You know I can never tell you enough how brilliant and beautiful you are.
xoxo
Let's talk soon. xoxo