I
think that today I am ready to tell you what is going on. I have been
ghost-dancing around this decision for quite some time now.
think that today I am ready to tell you what is going on. I have been
ghost-dancing around this decision for quite some time now.
I hope that you will be patient and understanding. Because more than ever I realize that “the only way past is through.”
So. I am writing you from the United States. Michigan, to be precise.
Remi and I are “taking a break” or a trial separation, if you prefer.
Do
you remember when we had the head-on collision in the beginning of
January? While we both were so fortunate to walk away physically
unscathed, it became apparent, within days, that a lot of important emotional
issues had been shaken loose and brought to the surface.
you remember when we had the head-on collision in the beginning of
January? While we both were so fortunate to walk away physically
unscathed, it became apparent, within days, that a lot of important emotional
issues had been shaken loose and brought to the surface.
While
the details of those issues only concern the two of us, the outcome was
that we would take these months apart. To be clear – we did not fight, both of us are at “fault” for
lack of a better word and these are issues that developed over a long
period of time.
the details of those issues only concern the two of us, the outcome was
that we would take these months apart. To be clear – we did not fight, both of us are at “fault” for
lack of a better word and these are issues that developed over a long
period of time.
However,
I can tell you that I did not see this coming and I was
devastated. It all happened quite quickly. This is, by far, one of the
most challenging periods that I have been through in my life.
I can tell you that I did not see this coming and I was
devastated. It all happened quite quickly. This is, by far, one of the
most challenging periods that I have been through in my life.
I miss Remi, our home, Provence and our dogs.
But. But, this is an opportunity. And I am taking it.
My
friend Stephen joked that I was going to “rehab” before I got here and
that is really kind of perfect in its way as I am taking a good long
look at my life and my behavior. Stripped of so much of what has been my
world, there is plenty of room not only for introspection but also for
action.
friend Stephen joked that I was going to “rehab” before I got here and
that is really kind of perfect in its way as I am taking a good long
look at my life and my behavior. Stripped of so much of what has been my
world, there is plenty of room not only for introspection but also for
action.
And so that is what I am doing.
I
am incredibly grateful to have had a safe place to land. My Mom and her Husband have welcomed me into their guestroom, my Sister is
close by. They have literally held me up when I needed it.
am incredibly grateful to have had a safe place to land. My Mom and her Husband have welcomed me into their guestroom, my Sister is
close by. They have literally held me up when I needed it.
At
46, I am learning to drive. I am petrified, especially after the
accident, but am breathing through it. Actually, so much of what I am
going through is about facing or “leaning into” my fear (as the very
wise Tara Brach puts it) and shining a light into the dark. That
includes my well-being so I started therapy and am attending Al-Anon meetings.
My Sister has sponsored me for a class in Tibetan Buddhism and I have
started meditating. I bought a stack of books before arriving to help me
understand me better and have been reading voraciously. My tennis shoes are getting put on every single
day as I exercise. My diet has been completely shifted to eliminate
inflammation (more on that soon) and I have lost over twenty pounds,
safely. I have never eaten so healthily in my life. My pen is my friend
as I have been journaling again. And alcohol has been completely
cut back so that I can think straight and hear my heart. I don’t want to
hide. I am learning so much.
46, I am learning to drive. I am petrified, especially after the
accident, but am breathing through it. Actually, so much of what I am
going through is about facing or “leaning into” my fear (as the very
wise Tara Brach puts it) and shining a light into the dark. That
includes my well-being so I started therapy and am attending Al-Anon meetings.
My Sister has sponsored me for a class in Tibetan Buddhism and I have
started meditating. I bought a stack of books before arriving to help me
understand me better and have been reading voraciously. My tennis shoes are getting put on every single
day as I exercise. My diet has been completely shifted to eliminate
inflammation (more on that soon) and I have lost over twenty pounds,
safely. I have never eaten so healthily in my life. My pen is my friend
as I have been journaling again. And alcohol has been completely
cut back so that I can think straight and hear my heart. I don’t want to
hide. I am learning so much.
On Monday, I ran into someone that I had not seen in a few weeks who said, “It makes me really happy to see you doing so much better, Heather.” That felt good.
Many
of you have been through this or similar or harder already in your lives. I am
well aware that this is just my current story but I wanted to let you
know about it before diving back into the beauty of Provence. Of course I am
going to keep the blog going, am staying up to date on all that is happening and prepared material before leaving – such as these photos of the magnolia tree in the courtyard,
taken with the hopes of one day having the courage to make this post happen. I didn’t talk
about this sooner only because I was a) frankly too much of a mess to find the right words
and b) afraid that I would lose all of you when I admitted that I wasn’t
in France. But again, I am tired of fear running the show. I also remember how you remained loyal during those months when I was in the States for visa reasons in 2014. And it is just better this way.
of you have been through this or similar or harder already in your lives. I am
well aware that this is just my current story but I wanted to let you
know about it before diving back into the beauty of Provence. Of course I am
going to keep the blog going, am staying up to date on all that is happening and prepared material before leaving – such as these photos of the magnolia tree in the courtyard,
taken with the hopes of one day having the courage to make this post happen. I didn’t talk
about this sooner only because I was a) frankly too much of a mess to find the right words
and b) afraid that I would lose all of you when I admitted that I wasn’t
in France. But again, I am tired of fear running the show. I also remember how you remained loyal during those months when I was in the States for visa reasons in 2014. And it is just better this way.
Yes, I do have a return ticket for France.
Do I know what will happen? I have no idea. But I am doing my best to stay positive and open.
Let’s keep moving forward then, yes?
It is never too late to unfold the bloom.
****
To those of you that have known about this, thank you so dearly for all of your kindness, wisdom and support.
Some of you have gone above and beyond, including an amazing friend who I am going to meet very soon…I may not post for a bit but not to worry, I will be having a very good time!
Thank you so much for being here and I ask that you are considerate of all parties if you leave a comment, much appreciated. Your responses to my previous post made me feel wonder-ful and full of hope.
Be well.
Bisous,
Heather
It seems you are very lucky to have this time and just be and reflect. Wishing you well Heather
Dear Heather
I was saddened to read your latest blog – not because of the trial separation but I was so looking forward to finally catching up with you – your photography has been an inspiration to me to put a renewed interest in photography on the top of my agenda for when I move back to Uzes and I was hoping to pick your brains for good sites
Your absence and return back to the US is as you say something that you obviously needed to do. It will give you a better perspective of all and any issues. Life is what it is – sometimes things work, sometimes they don’t but in a way that is what makes life challenging and exciting. You just need to be open to opportunities. I love that you are looking at some meditation/Buddhism too It is one of those things that interests me but I keep on putting off doing until I move!!
Learning to drive at any age is scary, but I think you will appreciate the freedoms it can give you. It is the one thing that I miss the most in Saudi is not being able to drive!
As everyone else has commented – we don’t read your blog just because you are in France – you write so beautifully and as I said before I love your photos – the Magnolias are just wonderful. I will continue to follow your blog and hope that whenever you return to France we can finally meet up.
Continue to take care of yourself, believe in yourself and in your strength to see you through this hopefully temporary turmoil.
xoxo
My thoughts are with you this evening, Heather. I admire your strength and grace during this trying time. It sounds like you are meeting these challenges with determination and are thoughtfully moving forward.
Never think those who follow your blog will fade away because your life has taken a turn. Everyone goes in a different direction now and then.
Whether you are in France or the States, we are there for you.
really lovely — and courageous — Hannah Arendt writes of "natality": "the new beginning inherent in birth [that] can make itself felt in the world only because the newcomer possesses the capacity of beginning something anew, that is, of acting." — in this sense I suppose, we are always beginning again and again…
I wanted to thank you for having the courage to write this. In on online world where so many people present pinterested perfect lies, authenticity is very much appreciated. I don't have any profound words to help you. Life is life and it just keeps happening. Love grows and fades and changes and sometimes comes around again. Sheesh that's corny 🙂 As long as you keep writing your blog I'll be reading
I'm not surprised Heather, I thought something was going on. Be kind to yourself, and go slowly, what you're going through can't be rushed. Always remember, I'm here for you if you need me, stay strong dear friend.
xxxTracy
Oh heck…Lost in Michigan, this is going to be fun. I am on a lonely road and I am traveling, traveling, traveling, traveling….
Dear Heather, though I have not commented much, I read and love every post. I would love your words wherever you wrote them. I admire your courage and this leap of faith in all of us. Do whatever you need to feel better, and know that we are sending you love and well wishes. Angela Muller
Those photos are so evocative – beautiful post.