I
think that today I am ready to tell you what is going on. I have been
ghost-dancing around this decision for quite some time now.
think that today I am ready to tell you what is going on. I have been
ghost-dancing around this decision for quite some time now.
I hope that you will be patient and understanding. Because more than ever I realize that “the only way past is through.”
So. I am writing you from the United States. Michigan, to be precise.
Remi and I are “taking a break” or a trial separation, if you prefer.
Do
you remember when we had the head-on collision in the beginning of
January? While we both were so fortunate to walk away physically
unscathed, it became apparent, within days, that a lot of important emotional
issues had been shaken loose and brought to the surface.
you remember when we had the head-on collision in the beginning of
January? While we both were so fortunate to walk away physically
unscathed, it became apparent, within days, that a lot of important emotional
issues had been shaken loose and brought to the surface.
While
the details of those issues only concern the two of us, the outcome was
that we would take these months apart. To be clear – we did not fight, both of us are at “fault” for
lack of a better word and these are issues that developed over a long
period of time.
the details of those issues only concern the two of us, the outcome was
that we would take these months apart. To be clear – we did not fight, both of us are at “fault” for
lack of a better word and these are issues that developed over a long
period of time.
However,
I can tell you that I did not see this coming and I was
devastated. It all happened quite quickly. This is, by far, one of the
most challenging periods that I have been through in my life.
I can tell you that I did not see this coming and I was
devastated. It all happened quite quickly. This is, by far, one of the
most challenging periods that I have been through in my life.
I miss Remi, our home, Provence and our dogs.
But. But, this is an opportunity. And I am taking it.
My
friend Stephen joked that I was going to “rehab” before I got here and
that is really kind of perfect in its way as I am taking a good long
look at my life and my behavior. Stripped of so much of what has been my
world, there is plenty of room not only for introspection but also for
action.
friend Stephen joked that I was going to “rehab” before I got here and
that is really kind of perfect in its way as I am taking a good long
look at my life and my behavior. Stripped of so much of what has been my
world, there is plenty of room not only for introspection but also for
action.
And so that is what I am doing.
I
am incredibly grateful to have had a safe place to land. My Mom and her Husband have welcomed me into their guestroom, my Sister is
close by. They have literally held me up when I needed it.
am incredibly grateful to have had a safe place to land. My Mom and her Husband have welcomed me into their guestroom, my Sister is
close by. They have literally held me up when I needed it.
At
46, I am learning to drive. I am petrified, especially after the
accident, but am breathing through it. Actually, so much of what I am
going through is about facing or “leaning into” my fear (as the very
wise Tara Brach puts it) and shining a light into the dark. That
includes my well-being so I started therapy and am attending Al-Anon meetings.
My Sister has sponsored me for a class in Tibetan Buddhism and I have
started meditating. I bought a stack of books before arriving to help me
understand me better and have been reading voraciously. My tennis shoes are getting put on every single
day as I exercise. My diet has been completely shifted to eliminate
inflammation (more on that soon) and I have lost over twenty pounds,
safely. I have never eaten so healthily in my life. My pen is my friend
as I have been journaling again. And alcohol has been completely
cut back so that I can think straight and hear my heart. I don’t want to
hide. I am learning so much.
46, I am learning to drive. I am petrified, especially after the
accident, but am breathing through it. Actually, so much of what I am
going through is about facing or “leaning into” my fear (as the very
wise Tara Brach puts it) and shining a light into the dark. That
includes my well-being so I started therapy and am attending Al-Anon meetings.
My Sister has sponsored me for a class in Tibetan Buddhism and I have
started meditating. I bought a stack of books before arriving to help me
understand me better and have been reading voraciously. My tennis shoes are getting put on every single
day as I exercise. My diet has been completely shifted to eliminate
inflammation (more on that soon) and I have lost over twenty pounds,
safely. I have never eaten so healthily in my life. My pen is my friend
as I have been journaling again. And alcohol has been completely
cut back so that I can think straight and hear my heart. I don’t want to
hide. I am learning so much.
On Monday, I ran into someone that I had not seen in a few weeks who said, “It makes me really happy to see you doing so much better, Heather.” That felt good.
Many
of you have been through this or similar or harder already in your lives. I am
well aware that this is just my current story but I wanted to let you
know about it before diving back into the beauty of Provence. Of course I am
going to keep the blog going, am staying up to date on all that is happening and prepared material before leaving – such as these photos of the magnolia tree in the courtyard,
taken with the hopes of one day having the courage to make this post happen. I didn’t talk
about this sooner only because I was a) frankly too much of a mess to find the right words
and b) afraid that I would lose all of you when I admitted that I wasn’t
in France. But again, I am tired of fear running the show. I also remember how you remained loyal during those months when I was in the States for visa reasons in 2014. And it is just better this way.
of you have been through this or similar or harder already in your lives. I am
well aware that this is just my current story but I wanted to let you
know about it before diving back into the beauty of Provence. Of course I am
going to keep the blog going, am staying up to date on all that is happening and prepared material before leaving – such as these photos of the magnolia tree in the courtyard,
taken with the hopes of one day having the courage to make this post happen. I didn’t talk
about this sooner only because I was a) frankly too much of a mess to find the right words
and b) afraid that I would lose all of you when I admitted that I wasn’t
in France. But again, I am tired of fear running the show. I also remember how you remained loyal during those months when I was in the States for visa reasons in 2014. And it is just better this way.
Yes, I do have a return ticket for France.
Do I know what will happen? I have no idea. But I am doing my best to stay positive and open.
Let’s keep moving forward then, yes?
It is never too late to unfold the bloom.
****
To those of you that have known about this, thank you so dearly for all of your kindness, wisdom and support.
Some of you have gone above and beyond, including an amazing friend who I am going to meet very soon…I may not post for a bit but not to worry, I will be having a very good time!
Thank you so much for being here and I ask that you are considerate of all parties if you leave a comment, much appreciated. Your responses to my previous post made me feel wonder-ful and full of hope.
Be well.
Bisous,
Heather
Hi Heather, leaning into the fear is a good way to describe how to deal with big, scary life changes. I am so glad that you are using this time to take care and work on yourself. I know you will look back on this as a time of tremendous personal growth. Thanks so much for sharing this with your readers. You never know, writing about your current situation may give others the courage and inspiration to make difficult, but long needed changes. Gros bisous my friend.
This is the first time I write on your blog.I started following you because at one point I was looking for a house in Arles. I ended up in a small village in Pyrenees Orientales. I am sorry for what you are going through, but believe me, you are young and you ca re-start your life several times from now on. I think it is important to learn to drive as it will give you independence. This is my big problem and challenge. I got my
driving licence at 45. Now I am 60 and I am still affraid to drive. I hope to break this fear this year.
Oh I'm so relieved that you found the courage to finally talk about this on the blog. I have felt very worried about you. But you know Heather, we, your loyal readers, do not read your blog because you talk about France. We read it because of the WAY that you talk about France. And quite frankly, if you moved to the moon and wrote a blog about it, we would still read it gleefully, hungrily… because it is your clarity of writing and honesty of heart that makes your words strike so beautifully true. So please, write about Michigan. Write about the tennis you are now playing. Write about the healthier food you are now eating. (Personally, I have never liked the French diet – too meat and dairy heavy for me – but I realise everybody is different in their tastes.) Write about the beauty you find each day, in a self-seeded flower on the side of the road where you are. Because your writing is a gift, and I hope it (+ the support of loving family and friends) will make you a stronger, better, wiser and healthier person – whatever you decide to do in the end. Much love (and only sulking a little bit that we don't get to meet next month as we had planned…! !) Virginia xx
Dearest Heather,
wishing you love. Stephen is right,we read your blog because of you. We may have discovered you because of France but we are still here because of you. Our greatest challenges are opportunities for growth in all ways,and at some point I'm sure you will find your silver lining. Having never been to America I'm looking forward to the beauty you will show me through your amazing photography. Much love and healing to you,Katrina xxx
Hello Heather,
Thank you for your honest and courageous post. Be gentle with yourself as you have a lot going on. We are all sharing this planet and struggle constantly with inner turmoil and fear. Take things one step at a time and if you have to step back go right ahead and do so – you'll get forward soon.
I subscribed to your blog because it was about a place that I love, I stayed because I appreciated your words and photo's. I'm not going anywhere – still out here in cyber space with an inner hug just for you.
I wish I had words to make things better but I honestly believe you are stronger than you think.
And now that the secret is out, don't you feel better? And Stephen Andrew is right. Your blog is special because of YOU. Of course, I found you because of Provence, but I have found a LOT of blogs about Provence that never "stuck". I have continued with YOUR blog because of you and the friendship I now claim because of it! Courage, dear girl. You will see your way through this.
You are as beautiful, unfolding and in full bloom, as these flowers.
I just wanted to say this is amazing and congratulations for bringing this darkness to light. I think we've all been in the shoes of having a secret that we think the world generally would not accept–and I also think anyone else who's done this would agree that secrets rooted in any kind of shame or embarrassment are diminished when brought to light. Your blog is special not because of Provence but because of you. So now that you're here you can cover Donald Trump more closely, right?
WHO could LEAVE YOU!YOU with YOUR beautiful WORDS…….and PHOTOS.
NOT ME!!!!!!!!!!
LEARNING TO DRIVE………….that's MY JOB to TEACH YOU.SO, we do not DO it in FRANCE……….CALIFORNIA is just a PLANE RIDE AWAY!
YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL AND STRONG and YOU HAVE US………..WE YOUR READERS ARE YOUR SECOND FAMILY.THANK YOU for sharing this…………….
A CHANGE OF SCENERY DOES A BODY GOOD.
Take a BREAK…….RE-Group………………WE will still BE HERE!
XOXOXO
Tears for my brave, brave sister!!! Beautiful magnolia blossoms mirroring your own being – open, open. Yes for going through pain (tho I'm having trouble taking my own advice on that one), yes for putting it all out there, yes for EVERYTHING you are doing in the name of growth, wellness, and self-care/self-love. And self-care IS self-love – hooray! We grieve for you missing your puppies and home, but we support you and will follow you anywhere you take us – we love your voice, your photos – we love YOU. I LOVE YOU!!!!!! Bravo on this brave post and your brave EVERYTHING!!!