It was quite a surprise that I suddenly wanted to take pictures again. So I picked up the camera for the first time in many months, cradling it to my chest with one hand in-between the clicks, happy to see again.
That is a gift that you gave to me. Yes, you. Your comments and emails of support and understanding are like a talisman that I always have in my pocket, just in case. I thank you with all of my heart. It is freeing to know that I can share and that being ‘alone’ is an illusion.
What wasn’t surprising, not in the least, was that I would love my friend Elizabeth, La Contessa, in person as much as I have through communicating across the lines, over the years via the internet and eventually, due to her insistence, on the phone. She invited me to come out West to change my mind and then some. Maybe to shift perspective and pick up a bit of strength on the way.
I could feel the smile spreading up through my throat, across my lips to raise up my hand in a goofy wave as soon as I saw her at the terminal, waiting, searching the crowds for a redhead, possibly in a caftan. It was a recognition, a “Hello you” of a friendship made solid, something that would only intensify over the days as I fell head over heels for her and her antiques-filled (and I do mean filled) home, her charming Italian Husband, her winsome Corgi named Winston and even, astonishingly, a wise cat named Theodore (just don’t tell Ben and Kipling). That all of this was to be found in California only added to the sweetness.
It was a champagne bubble of a week filled with everything that I like.
Did that pop when I returned back to reality? It did. I realize constantly that I am in the early days yet. But, when courage has been instilled it cannot so easily be stripped.
And so too, on this Memorial Day in the States, I think of the men and women who have crossed truly frightening lines, fueled less by inspiration but something lit like freedom. I thank them as well.
“The question is not what a man can scorn, or disparage, or find fault with, but what he can love, and value, and appreciate.”
— John Ruskin
A thought that I held onto tightly on that day in February when I flew out of Paris?
There is a horizon always above the clouds and it is shining blue.
****
*For those of you stopping by because of Elizabeth’s unending kindness? Thank you so very much for being here. If this post or the links are a little too cryptic, you can find out more of my recent story by clicking here. Bienvenue…
Hello Heather,
Your trip to California must have been delightful and to meet La Contessa. She sounds like a wonderful warm hearted generous soul.
I am happy to see you are blogging and taking pictures. You are a true artist.
Fondest wishes
Helen xx
Hi Heather,
Happy to see you taking pictures again. I loved all of the photos Elizabeth took of you…although her site would not let me post. She is such a giving person.
We really enjoyed seeing Arles….sorry not to have met you.
Took many pictures of Uzes….Only to find out later that my French Huguenot ancestors were from there.
As folks above have already said….don't rush. You have a lot of things to work through. I predict wonderful things ahead. janey
Yes. The measure of a man or woman is if she or he “can love, value, and appreciate.”
I’m very happy you were able to visit friends and visit California.
Aloha Heather! After receiving your kind compliment on my post today, I was jolted into the realization that through those "challenges" which temporarily disabled my own writing muse this year, I have neglected to "be there" for the circle of creative beings I've enjoyed "following" over the past few years .. you being one of those wonderfully gifted individuals. I offer no advice, because I know you are connected to your inner voice .. where guidance dwells. I do offer "Thankfulness" for what you give as a result of living your gifts and passion. Sending you good thoughts and positive affirmation that all will be well as you continue to connect with your true essence. Wishing you all the best, peace, and happiness! Thank you for giving.
Aloha et Au revoir,
Bill
Kauai-to-Paris
I do too. 🙂 I was so concentrated on the song that I forgot to repsond to the rest of your comment. I have found an amazing library here – what are the names of the MFK books that I should read?? I have "Provence 1970" on my bookstand that I am wading through when not reading many, many, many books to try and piece my mental and physical health back together. I will go get the MFKs from the libaray…just to shake things up a bit. 😉
And thank you for the compliment (David Terry style). I like the phrase "don't throw the baby out with the bath water."
xo
Well….since the first time I heard the song (on the second CD I'd even even SEEN, much less played…..at a friend's lakehouse in the mountains), I've loved-loved-loved the song's contrapuntal bridge. Amos is one of several warrantedly popular singer/songwriters (Lady Gaga, of all folks, and Dan Fogleberg come to mind) who all too obviously (to me, at least, but I spent about fourteen years formally studying the piano) LEARNED her Bach backwards and forwards years before she ever began writing her own songs. I'm always a bit surprised when critics mention (as though anyone with any training couldn't immediately tell?) that she's wildly intelligent and classically trained/educated….or that she's a remarkably disciplined artist????. I suppose you know that her Daddy was, initially, a Methodist preacher here in North Carolina…..and that, after they'd moved to DC when she was older, she got her start playing in a couple of markedly lowdown gay bars in DC? Her father would drive her there and backhome for each&every gig, since she wasn't old enough to have a driver's license. I love that anecdote.
Thank you, Patricia. This has been hard and it still is as I face the damage that I not only did to myself but to others over the past few years – that with the heartache is painful but I need to be with it and not push it aside. So I have to try and be patient to not do everything at once, no matter how badly I want to.
Enjoy Arles! Remember to definitely go to the MDAA (antiquities museum) and the Fondation Vincent Van Gogh Arles. Please don't eat on the Place du Forum save for Chez Caro but go for drinks and breakfast. The countryside is beautiful too. 🙂
Onward.
It is a very moving song, David.
I clicked on your link tentatively and was so pleased to see your post. Small steps are best in times like these … but obviously you know this. I've always found the camera to be a soothing companion and so, perhaps, will yours be now. Although we've not met, your instant and generous sharing of info about Arles drew me to you. You'll be with us on our stay there. Onward.
Dear Heather,
Well, it's good to read all the comments urging you to pick up that camera and that pen. I wouldn't, if I were you (which I sort of am these days, given that we're going through similar experiences) worry too much over "re-making yourself". You wouldn't have this many admirers and supporters if you hadn't had "it" all along.
Presumably, no one needs me to tell them that circumstances change. If you were visiting this old house for the weekend, however?…..I'd make a point of sticking MFK Fisher's writing about "Chexbres" (her pseudonym for Dillwynn Fisher…..as is readily found on the internet, should you care to look), their relationship, and her years with him in France/Switzerland. Send me your mother's address again, and I'll post two of Fisher's books (which I think you'd profit by reading) off to you.
I was also surprised to read, among the comments, the references to Tori Amos. Surely you know the song that more-or-less made her famous? I've played it often (and, I'll admit, for the first time in over 15 years) during this past, difficult year.
go to………and then go back to your writing and photography; I'm suddenly reminded of a kinda-redneck friend's recently telling me, when I asked her about a mutual friend, "She's still IN that relationship?…..tell her to get out and run the other way like her ass was on fire…..She can make her OWN life"). I happen to love the phrase "run the other way like her ass was on fire"……not exactly refined…..but very helpful.
Go to:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HSYr0etDzRM
"Excuse me but can I be you for a while?
My dog won't bite if you sit real still.
I got the anti-Christ in the kitchen yellin' at me again
Yeah I can hear that….
Been saved again by the garbage truck.
I got something to say, you know,
But nothing comes.
Yes, I know what you think of me;
You never shut-up.
Yeah I can hear that
But what if I'm a mermaid
In these jeans of his
With her name still on it?
Hey, but I don't care
Cause sometimes,
I said sometimes,
I hear my voice,
And it's been here….
Silent All These Years
So you found a girl
Who thinks really deep thoughts?
What's so amazing about really deep thoughts?
Boy, you best pray that I bleed real soon.
How's that thought for you?
My screams got lost in a paper cup.
You think there's a heaven
Where those screams have gone?
I got 25 bucks and a cracker.
Do you think it's enough
To get us there?
As the years go by
Will I still be waiting
For somebody else to understand?
Years go by
While I'm stripped of my beauty
And these orange clouds
Raining in my head?
Years go by ,
Will I choke on my tears
Till finally there is nothing left?
One more casualty……
You know we're too easy, easy easy….
Well I love the way we communicate
Your eyes focus on my funny lip shape.
Let's hear what you think of me now,
But baby don't look up….
The sky is falling.
Your mother shows up in a nasty dress
And it's your turn now to stand where I stand
With everybody lookin' at you here,
Would you take hold of my hand?
Yeah, I can hear them
And it's been here
Silent All These Years
I've been here
Silent All These Years
David Terry
dt********@*ol.com
http://www.davidterryart.com