I was sitting at a table amidst a group of smart, charming and interesting people. It was an introduction that had come about through this blog as a few of them read along. There was a surprising breeze on the outdoor terrace perched next to the Rhone in Arles. It played with the wisps of our hair and lifted the conversation to and fro. But honestly, I was talking a lot – quite the rarity as I have grown nervous in groups during recent years. I think it was born out of the delight and relief of being amidst people roughly my own age and culture (highly unusual), a kind of letting go, on top of the fact that I had already been talking for hours while giving one of my walks through Arles. Maybe it was the heat running over my forehead but I could hear my voice beside me as if the words were spooling outwards trying to catch the breeze. Or it could have been the rosé that was generously being poured. But there was a moment, just the tiniest of ones, when I happened to catch – literally – the glance out of the corner of an eye of one of my table-mates. And somehow I instinctively knew that it was – enfin – a recognition of something that they had been hoping to see in me, based on what is written here.
Those of you that have been reading a very long time know that I moved around quite a bit in childhood – every four years or so – and the result of that can be a push and pull within me of wanting very much to be liked or the reversal on a dime of “I don’t need anyone” (but you, Baby). Like a lot of people who lived through such moments of blur and constant newness, I adapted. But that left me a bit rough around the edges. I didn’t always know where the extension of me ended and where my absorbing the company around me began. That survival tactic ended quite abruptly – or so I thought – during my young adulthood, something that I wrote about a few years ago, hence this is a “part deux.”
But here is the thing. I recently reread that post – written in 2011 – and I have a different perspective on both it and myself now. Since then I have mused a ton about the shifting and shedding of personality. The cult of it too in our society. I thought that, especially in these past few years where so much has happened – where we have down-sized twice and moved out into the silence of the country – that I was stripped down to the bone, left with only the essentials. So much gone but also so much gained. What it might be like to be a white bird in the snow. But that side-glance was like a tiny prick in a balloon. Enough to let out the air but not to make it pop. I have been chewing on the questions it awoke in me ever since.
Who are we when we make our way through the world? Where does the how of it come from? I want to ask these questions again. Is that always an extension of our inner selves? I don’t know if it is. Or maybe it is for most people but not necessarily for an adapter like me. Actually, during that conversation at the table I told an anecdote about when I was an actress and not wanting to do film anymore after seeing my face during the rushes for the first time and thinking, “But that isn’t me, that face doesn’t represent at all what I feel.” That and I had a memory that floated down like a feather from nowhere last week. It was of the head costumer at the Yale School of Drama saying, “Well, it is for you because you are a girl that knows how to wear a gown.” Just that. And I haven’t been able to shake that sentence because he was right, I did. And I do? It certainly wouldn’t appear so as I am today in tank top and shorts, legs crossed at the angle of a number four. With all of the weight that I have gained in the past few years my body feels heavy. Quite masculine.
And where does that come from? Well, here is the answer I have from some of those questions – beyond the weight which is my own – I think it comes from Remi. Or, to be more precise, in my not, finally, being so reduced to the essential as I thought but – without thinking – picking up on his way of doing things, of moving, of expressing. Truly, when I had that thought earlier today I was like, “Oh come on, really?” but it makes sense and not just from a “couple who have been together forever” standpoint. Me, still a chameleon then, still adapting. Is that a bad thing? It hasn’t always been as that flexibility helped me be a decent storyteller. And while I have definitely become ultra aware of that roughness around the edges – certainly since that conversation – maybe I can use that to my advantage to make the changes that will make me feel…better. And then I can redefine that feeling as something more akin to…porous?
Remi and I will be celebrating a big anniversary (that I am quite proud of) in a few days and I have a birthday around the corner so I imagine this post is coming right out of that pressure of time passing and hoping to get some truth from it. I hope that doesn’t sound too pretentious, I don’t mean it to be. As I have been writing I have been trying to put these pieces together – not only for me but for you as well just in case it rings a bell. But does it? In reading the comments of that earlier post, it seems like this is an issue that most of you tidied up long ago. And while many of us have been writing about the changes to our appearance mid-life (can I begin to tell you how I loathe that phrase?) that isn’t really what I am trying to roast over the fire either. For me, it seems like I am not always connecting the dots between my inner and outer self. That is good to know. More to learn then and the best part is…as far my inner self is concerned? That feels mine and true and as solidly delineated as a child’s roughly shaped drawing of a heart.
It most certainly is, Judith, certainly when you live and work together nearly 24/7 for so many years! But in every relationship too of course. I really agree with that idea of the core essence of who we are…I struggle (obviously) with many of the issues that are outlying that core but at least that I feel solid about. I know that I am a good person no matter what with a good heart. And as for the influence of Dad's…well, if I am always trying (at times too hard) to be liked it is for a reason!
Nor like you Joan – your story inspires me to no end – what I know of it! – and always has. How grateful I am that you are here and healthy to share your stories and amazing perspective. Merci…
I don't know if it is a milestone period yet Bill…maybe…let's hope so! And I love "common humanity".
Mahalo to you,
H
Heather, I loved reading this post today as I think of all of the changes I too have gone through.
The past few years I like to believe i have become more open to possibilities, more accepting of change, of yes, even the aging process and the experiences I've had. We have no idea what is in store right around the corner in our lives. This will be an exciting and meaningful anniversary and birthday for you!! Brava!!
xoxo
Karena
The Arts by Karena
Ceramic Artist Leah Bowring
Our maps have sharp lines, curves, tangents and rough edges which make our lives rich, complex and interesting. A constellation of qualities.
Skyscrapers, snowflakes, green pastures and muddy lanes, maps that connect the time in life, the phase when we become members of the community of learners, drawing our hearts.
Congratulations. HAPPY ANNIVERSARY.
ANNIVERSARY……….BIRTHDAY IN SEPTEMBER but I do not remember the date!If I think back you just turned 40…………if this is 45 I will FALL off my chair!
You have always said you were shy and not comfortable in GROUPS………..would you believe that to be TRUE of me TOO!!!YES, it is……………..
Oh and that body of OURS………forever changing now!Each day brings a new awareness.I suppose it's OK cause it beats the alternative!Most of the weight goes to the BOOBS!
REMI will LOVE THAT!
You live in a spot where Food and Wine are important to LIFE.Enjoy it…………
As for knowing how to wear a gown………………..WELL,I am still searching for a GOWN for YOU for the driving lesson!(IT will make you calmer and more in control!)Maybe thats why I am not coming this summer as I haven't found it yet!!!!
I love that you were surrounded by WOMEN who READ YOU!LOVE IT…………….XOXOXO
I THANK ALL of YOU who left a comment too for my VERY SPECIAL BIRTHDAY POST!!!!
YOUR POST just made my DAY HEATHER.WHAT A GIFT YOU GAVE ME!
THANK YOU.
Of Heather, I love when you open up this rich vein of introspection. It is a bridge of both delicacy and strength to anyone who searches for answers to our whys and our when's and their mysteries we may never entirely fathom. It is fascinating to me to hear that when you saw the rushes on film you could not recognize yourself. And yet this seems entirely natural; how can the external vision ever match up or catch up to the person we sense we ought to be or become?
Your 'rough around the edges' is sketched most thoughtfully; that in itself a moving 'auto-portrait' for us to celebrate as you head into your anniversary and anniversaire.
Intriguing post. The gown memory is wonderful.
I wasn't looking for a moment to think. I read blogs for entertainment. Yet, more often than not, reading your blog means thinking. I didn't catch onto that until just now. I didn't hear a bell ring until reading the first sentence in your fourth paragraph. Past mid-life, when I look back, I see a me that is mostly molded by other's concept of who I am, the to-fit-in, needy-like-me thing. I played the part, and the part played me. Who won isn't important. Its the experience that matters, and the good memories.
I look forward some day to reading a novel you wrote.
Your blog always catches my attention and is the one I have to stop, read and re-read. You have such a gift with words and expressing feeling – and one needs to slow down to absorb what is being said – but it clearly resonates with me, as though I were writing it, thank you.
"it seems like I am not always connecting the dots between my inner and outer self."
I have always felt that way but as the years go by the connection between those dots is getting stronger and one day I hope that the inner and outer self will be one and the same in essence.
Funny how nature emulates humanity – the shell – tougher exterior facade to protect what's inside – we need that shell, however we choose to decorate it or display it and every day is different, every hour for that matter.
The energy source is deep inside – affected by those who managed to crack the shell, tip it over, discard it – but one day – as in nature – we won't need the shell or the facade to become one.
“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
– Anais Nin
Hi Heather.
First of all I am new to your blog . There are so many blogs & books about French style written by people who are supposed to be authorities, who do not live in France or are not French. Maybe they were there years ago or go once a year to France. You are the real deal & I am loving it
My survival tactics & outlook on life (for better or worse) were honed by my growing up in downtown Manhattan. I was friendly but cautious, thanks to my immigrant family Also, every summer for 15 years I lived with my grandparents in the upstate NY at their small hotel. So I learned to relax more & enjoy nature.
'When I married and immediately moved to the burbs for many years, I rarely acknowledged my city youth & thought I was more open. But I was still & basically am the culture vulture, cautious kid who who loved art museums, music, books & particularly theatre. I made plenty of friends but very few loved all the culture stuff; and I adapted; or, thought I did. There was something missing; so, my husband & I moved right outside Manhattan 8 years ago & go in often. My old neighborhood is now so exclusive it is beyond expensive. We also live a good part of the year in a warm climate in Florida. Talk about adapting.
So, now I don't ever tone it down & enjoy all the arts & particularly theatre, more than ever. There are benefits to being a certain age & living in your own skin Its now kinda cool when I meet millennials & when I say where I grew up – they say. "really". And I say "oh, yeah".