When the world keeps sending me a message, I try to tune the radio in to listen. Certainly when it insists with a pin-ball urgency sliding me down the chute from source to source and yet each rings true.
My Sister, Robin, gave me a subscription to Tricycle magazine and it was with a profound sense of fascination and then relief that I discovered the article “No one special to be” by Ezra Bayda in the Fall 2014 issue. The tag line is “escaping the prison of your own self-image.” “Oh dear,” I thought, “this could be helpful…A little scary too.”
You see, as I was growing up, my Dad, in his well-meaning way, expressed his love for me through my accomplishments and even those had to not be simply good but exceptional. So I associated being something “special” – in the sense of doing something that only I could do – with getting love in return. It was a lesson that I learned so early on that I am still trying to free myself of its grasp and I find myself often seeking approval. It is an acquired behaviour. We moved around quite a bit during my childhood as well, so I also grasped on to certain identities in order to make my presence felt in a new environment. That too stayed with me but has been surprisingly sliding away all on its own in the past year or so.
I was especially aware of the loosening of the identity grip while visiting in the States this past summer. For while I have always been labelled “fashion forward” and “a good dresser” by my family, I saw that it was not really the case in how I presented myself. I wasn’t trying to impress anyone, not even myself. And that felt surprisingly ok. “But isn’t that an important part of who I am?” I wondered. Well, no, not really, although it has been a part of my personality for a long time and might be again.
In the opening of the article Mr. Bayda explains that, “One of the main characteristics of a life of sleep is that we are totally identified with being a Me. Starting with our name, our history, our self-images and identities, we use each of these things to solidify the sense that we are living in our own subjective sphere. We experience ourselves as “special” – not in the normal sense of being distinguished or exceptional but in the sense that we feel unique and subtly significant. Interestingly, our feeling of specialness is not just from having positive qualities; we can even use our suffering to make us feel unique or special. Yet not needing to be special, not needing to be any particular way, is what it means to be free – free to experience our natural being, our most authentic self.”
Isn’t that interesting? What a change from the stories that I have been telling myself and propping myself up with! Very much in the lines of “I am __ because of __.” Easy to do, a little too easy. It also brings to mind one of the best pieces of advice that I have ever read about insomnia in the book, “No more sleepless nights.” It was simply to be aware of and let go of the attention that “being an insomniac” brings you. If I no longer define myself as an insomniac, then what does that make room for in my life in return? It helped me sleep better far better than warm milk did.
As someone who has experienced several truly different phases of life, I am aware on a surface level that we have many selves, many feathers to our personality. They are sometimes ruffled, sometimes smooth. But at the same time, I have struggled with a very American phenomenon (it feels American to me) of being characterized by one’s profession, by what we do. I was “an actress” then “a travel writer.” Now I am neither of those things. Does that change who I am? Am I less of a person now? It doesn’t feel so, just different.
On the blog A Cup of Jo, I saw a quote from Nora Ephron at about the same time as I had read the above article. While waiting in line, say at restaurants, she and her family would play a game where they would “define” themselves in five words. She came to realize that the words that she would have used in her twenties never overlapped with those in her 30s, or in her 30s to her 40s and upwards. Ever. We change. Especially if we let ourselves. Certainly if we open up our perspective.
My Sister then sent me a link to a post that has been floating around the web from the amazing Glennon Doyle Melton’s blog Momastery. The post is called “Give me liberty or give me debt” and it is one of the most fantastic examples of shifting perspective that I have seen in a long time. Plus, it is hysterical. You can read it by clicking here. Once on her website, I had to look around more, listen to her very inspiring TED talk and then found a true gem of a post, “Beauty Routine” in which she redefines (literally) what it is to feel beautiful. Certainly, of all of the self-images and identities that we create and then cling to, those concerning our looks and our bodies are incredibly forceful. As someone who was always “skinny” and is now not, I can raise up my hand in recognition of that.
This is why I was really moved to read the photographer Carla Coulson‘s update on her battles with several auto-immune disorders, including Graves disease. Despite her doctor’s initial reluctance, she has basically cured and/or drastically improved all of her conditions through radically changing her diet and lifestyle. She was true to herself, she was willing to look beyond the obvious story of what both her docs were telling her and her own loves of pasta and coffee and the like, things she believed to be true but she made the changes anyway. While I understand that some of you might be tired of hearing about the “No Sugar, No Gluten” bandwagon, I can see all around me that many people are suffering due to their choices. Is that too how they want to define themselves? Maybe. As an added bonus, Carla no longer has chronic headaches and her husband has rid himself of terrible eczema through this shift. It takes courage. She has put together an amazing batch of resources and information that is good reading even if you are in fine health. You can find it by clicking here.
Perhaps some of this is just my age but I am nearing the point where I am willing to look at my own long battles in the eye. Or at least to try and shyly side-glance at them clearly. Just try. Lately, it has been the acknowledgement that “Fear is running the show.” Not a great defining force and something that is definitely getting in the way. I want to have a greater awareness. If I do strive for that, where could that take me? As Ezra Bayda writes towards the end of the article, “When we do this repeatedly, the sense of who we are, with all of our stories, loses its substantiality, its heaviness. There is a transformation out of the narrow subjective sphere into a more open experience of reality. When we bring awareness to our cherished self-images, such as our need to be special, they begin to lose their power over us. No longer puffing ourselves up or trying to stand out means we are coming closer to living like a white bird in the snow. That is, we no longer feel the inner compulsion to see ourselves or be seen in a particular way – there is no ulterior agenda. The result is true humility – no one special to be.”
So why this long post? I realize that this isn’t a subject that touches everyone and that there are plenty of you that are already living true to your authentic selves. But it is interesting to me, now. And I am listening. And besides, what is the underlying force that lies at the root of us all? Connectedness. It is, wonderfully, what is always present in our ever changing world. You are a big part of that in my life and for that I am happy to spread out my thoughts just in case that someone else is helped by any of these interesting sources as I have been. We never know and it can be good to explore blind terrain from time to time as just maybe, maybe we will sense those nearly invisible territories in front of us, as yet indiscernible as the white bird in the snow.
You did it again Heather! Thoughts so well expressed…and so resonant in my own life too.
I love how you"shyly side-glance" your battles clearly in the eye!
It sounds familiar to me, though I think, from reading your blog, that you are a rather brave person.
I would like to add a word about gluten and diets: I have been learning how to live with several, at times debilitating and life threatening, autoimmune conditions and found that diet has been a key factor in how well I feel. However a "cure" means that the condition is gone; whereas these autoimmune conditions are things we learn to manage and live with as well as we can. Gluten is never a fad diet for a Celiac (one of my conditions) which means that gluten is never tolerated at all in one's lifetime.
I think that learning to live well in one's body, whatever shape or size, is something as unique as each individual…along with that comes the challenge to find what it is that works best for that particular body/self in that particular time in life in which they find themself… I am lucky enough to get to enjoy a good glass of wine now and then and finding many ways to enjoy life, good food, great friends and good conversations!
Silke, I promise you that I could never have expected such a response in a million years!
Isn't it interesting and how many people can relate to this topic and are willing to comment here?
Lorrie, this was so beautifully put. I am really grateful that you added your thoughts here. You gave me things to think about in return. My experience overseas is different than yours as I often am aware of a "And you aren't even a Mom?" on top of my not working. It doesn't help my already flagging self-confidence. But again, I am working on it. While I am not a Christian, I do find it very beautiful your thought of knowing your value through God's eyes and not how others see me…even more so as I feel that much of how people see me in France…well, I won't say it is "Lost in Translation" but nearly!
And yes, the Busy Badge. I am (again) trying to teach myself to not apologize for not being busy at this stage of my life. It is just where I am right now. But that badge makes me sad. I know that people can't help but be busy in today's society with working and family…but…oh, that is another topic altogether!
PS. I love in how each of these really wonderful comments, each person is "adding texture and interest."
Oh, I am no saint, Lisa! I can't imagine not having tea with caffeine…yet. But that is a wonderful idea for the garden. I will let you know if we get to do it this year.
I think you will like the adventure of a garden. I do sometimes have a coffee free day- picking fresh leaves/petals for homemade teas is a helpful garden boon 🙂
There is much to think about here, Heather. I'll be coming back to this.
My initial reaction is that I never worried about what I did while we lived overseas – that is, I didn't define myself by what I did. I was busy with family and friends and lived in a culture that valued my roles. In the past decade we've settled back into life in Canada and our children have flown the nest. I am constantly asked "what I do." I feel like a parasite because I don't have a regular job, nor am I overly involved in volunteer work although I do teach part time and help out in various areas.
It's become a badge of honour to say "I'm so busy" and when I can't say that, I wonder, sometimes, why? It's a struggle to fight against this culture of busyness and valuing someone for what she does (or earns) rather than for who she is. I'm content (when I'm deliberate about it) to live my ordinary life as an ordinary person astonished at this amazing world I live in. As a person of faith I keep reminding myself of my value in God's eyes rather than how others around me view me. How lovely is the imagery of a bird in the snow, part of creation but not dominating it. Adding texture and interest.
Thank you for the compliment and the great response, Lisa. Ooh ding, ding, ding! Ringing them bells. For my Mom's wedding last weekend she just went ahead and made an appointment for me to get my hair done because she knows that I never do in France. And wow! That was fun to be Glamorina for a day (especially such an important day :). But yep, just fun and kind of sparkly. And we are looking into renting part of a community garden near our new house! At only 20€ a year? Neither of us are very confident that we have the Green Thumbs (or 'mains verts' in French) to make things grow but figure it is worth the shot as yes, it would do us both good!
PS. I was amazed how easy it was to make the switch (for me) from coffee to tea. I am loving that I no longer feel shaky or crash afterwards…
I'm happy in the snow with my white feathers- but it is strikingly lovely to hear this from another person! It coincides with a fabulous new haircut (my daughter being at hair school makes this possible) which, having spent several years now being Not Glamorous, I am enjoying: but it is only fun, only a reminder of The Greater Fabulousness Of The Universe, and not a defining characteristic. Likewise I love my coffee. It is not (usually…) a prop. Also, more vegetables is a sensible plan- we have not banned any foodstuffs here but the move to cleaner eating has made noticeable improvements to health, which makes noticeable improvements to being. Plus if you grow your own, being outside is a restorative experience in itself. Beautifully blogged, Heather 🙂 xx
I agree Keith, what is first and foremost right now is and has been looking at those old "perfectionist" demons in the eye to once and forever finally bury them in the ground where they belong!