When the world keeps sending me a message, I try to tune the radio in to listen. Certainly when it insists with a pin-ball urgency sliding me down the chute from source to source and yet each rings true.
My Sister, Robin, gave me a subscription to Tricycle magazine and it was with a profound sense of fascination and then relief that I discovered the article “No one special to be” by Ezra Bayda in the Fall 2014 issue. The tag line is “escaping the prison of your own self-image.” “Oh dear,” I thought, “this could be helpful…A little scary too.”
You see, as I was growing up, my Dad, in his well-meaning way, expressed his love for me through my accomplishments and even those had to not be simply good but exceptional. So I associated being something “special” – in the sense of doing something that only I could do – with getting love in return. It was a lesson that I learned so early on that I am still trying to free myself of its grasp and I find myself often seeking approval. It is an acquired behaviour. We moved around quite a bit during my childhood as well, so I also grasped on to certain identities in order to make my presence felt in a new environment. That too stayed with me but has been surprisingly sliding away all on its own in the past year or so.
I was especially aware of the loosening of the identity grip while visiting in the States this past summer. For while I have always been labelled “fashion forward” and “a good dresser” by my family, I saw that it was not really the case in how I presented myself. I wasn’t trying to impress anyone, not even myself. And that felt surprisingly ok. “But isn’t that an important part of who I am?” I wondered. Well, no, not really, although it has been a part of my personality for a long time and might be again.
In the opening of the article Mr. Bayda explains that, “One of the main characteristics of a life of sleep is that we are totally identified with being a Me. Starting with our name, our history, our self-images and identities, we use each of these things to solidify the sense that we are living in our own subjective sphere. We experience ourselves as “special” – not in the normal sense of being distinguished or exceptional but in the sense that we feel unique and subtly significant. Interestingly, our feeling of specialness is not just from having positive qualities; we can even use our suffering to make us feel unique or special. Yet not needing to be special, not needing to be any particular way, is what it means to be free – free to experience our natural being, our most authentic self.”
Isn’t that interesting? What a change from the stories that I have been telling myself and propping myself up with! Very much in the lines of “I am __ because of __.” Easy to do, a little too easy. It also brings to mind one of the best pieces of advice that I have ever read about insomnia in the book, “No more sleepless nights.” It was simply to be aware of and let go of the attention that “being an insomniac” brings you. If I no longer define myself as an insomniac, then what does that make room for in my life in return? It helped me sleep better far better than warm milk did.
As someone who has experienced several truly different phases of life, I am aware on a surface level that we have many selves, many feathers to our personality. They are sometimes ruffled, sometimes smooth. But at the same time, I have struggled with a very American phenomenon (it feels American to me) of being characterized by one’s profession, by what we do. I was “an actress” then “a travel writer.” Now I am neither of those things. Does that change who I am? Am I less of a person now? It doesn’t feel so, just different.
On the blog A Cup of Jo, I saw a quote from Nora Ephron at about the same time as I had read the above article. While waiting in line, say at restaurants, she and her family would play a game where they would “define” themselves in five words. She came to realize that the words that she would have used in her twenties never overlapped with those in her 30s, or in her 30s to her 40s and upwards. Ever. We change. Especially if we let ourselves. Certainly if we open up our perspective.
My Sister then sent me a link to a post that has been floating around the web from the amazing Glennon Doyle Melton’s blog Momastery. The post is called “Give me liberty or give me debt” and it is one of the most fantastic examples of shifting perspective that I have seen in a long time. Plus, it is hysterical. You can read it by clicking here. Once on her website, I had to look around more, listen to her very inspiring TED talk and then found a true gem of a post, “Beauty Routine” in which she redefines (literally) what it is to feel beautiful. Certainly, of all of the self-images and identities that we create and then cling to, those concerning our looks and our bodies are incredibly forceful. As someone who was always “skinny” and is now not, I can raise up my hand in recognition of that.
This is why I was really moved to read the photographer Carla Coulson‘s update on her battles with several auto-immune disorders, including Graves disease. Despite her doctor’s initial reluctance, she has basically cured and/or drastically improved all of her conditions through radically changing her diet and lifestyle. She was true to herself, she was willing to look beyond the obvious story of what both her docs were telling her and her own loves of pasta and coffee and the like, things she believed to be true but she made the changes anyway. While I understand that some of you might be tired of hearing about the “No Sugar, No Gluten” bandwagon, I can see all around me that many people are suffering due to their choices. Is that too how they want to define themselves? Maybe. As an added bonus, Carla no longer has chronic headaches and her husband has rid himself of terrible eczema through this shift. It takes courage. She has put together an amazing batch of resources and information that is good reading even if you are in fine health. You can find it by clicking here.
Perhaps some of this is just my age but I am nearing the point where I am willing to look at my own long battles in the eye. Or at least to try and shyly side-glance at them clearly. Just try. Lately, it has been the acknowledgement that “Fear is running the show.” Not a great defining force and something that is definitely getting in the way. I want to have a greater awareness. If I do strive for that, where could that take me? As Ezra Bayda writes towards the end of the article, “When we do this repeatedly, the sense of who we are, with all of our stories, loses its substantiality, its heaviness. There is a transformation out of the narrow subjective sphere into a more open experience of reality. When we bring awareness to our cherished self-images, such as our need to be special, they begin to lose their power over us. No longer puffing ourselves up or trying to stand out means we are coming closer to living like a white bird in the snow. That is, we no longer feel the inner compulsion to see ourselves or be seen in a particular way – there is no ulterior agenda. The result is true humility – no one special to be.”
So why this long post? I realize that this isn’t a subject that touches everyone and that there are plenty of you that are already living true to your authentic selves. But it is interesting to me, now. And I am listening. And besides, what is the underlying force that lies at the root of us all? Connectedness. It is, wonderfully, what is always present in our ever changing world. You are a big part of that in my life and for that I am happy to spread out my thoughts just in case that someone else is helped by any of these interesting sources as I have been. We never know and it can be good to explore blind terrain from time to time as just maybe, maybe we will sense those nearly invisible territories in front of us, as yet indiscernible as the white bird in the snow.
Edgar, the word that was used in the article was "complacency" – an interesting counterpoint to conformity. And how…surprising…that in our contemporary society that conformity no longer means shrinking down but building up to better, brighter, more…
Thank you Jackie. This makes sense to me as even some of the things I have already "learned" come and go, sometimes resurfacing years later. Hopefully, the process will continue…
Heather, I am loving your deep thoughts lately. We hold ourselves to such unreasonably high expectations sometimes and that can be so harmful.
I and the herd. To conform is seductive. You touched the problems of conformity.
We have to find own voice. “To thine own self be true”. Our ego has a very grip and will not want to let go.
Spiritually we have to find our true self, our authentic self.
As always Heather you've provided us food for thought and I also get a second serving from the comments of those in your blogosphere world. You made the point that many of us are older than you and have already gone through this round of introspection and you are correct, but I do think that as we age we continuously give ourselves a look in the mirror and try to decide who we really are. . .it doesn't just come and go with clearly defined answers. As all the others have said, this one is one to ponder for some period of time. . .and I plan to do just that!
Sister, you were entirely the fuel for this post! You inspire me so much, all the time. And yes, you bring SO much good energy into the world everyday…with your work, with your loving kindness, even just that beautiful smile. I love you so much and am so grateful that I have such an amazing Sister. 🙂
And thank you Vicki Lee for sharing the book! Robin knows me well, I was curious to know what it was too and will look it up…"to let go of all that I was expected to be"…!!!
Jeanne, I almost wrote at the end of this post that I know that so many of you that are here are older than I am and have already been through all of this! And more…I can't wait…but as for that bottle of wine or tea? Oh, how I do hope that will happen one day…at TF? My what a lovely thought…
Silke, you in return have given me things to think about as well! And I know that this is a long post but I couldn't figure out another way to do it without throwing all of it out there, even if the threads are kind of tenuous and messy. You and I have had a lot of the same challenges in life. I know that I have said it before but it is so true. We have been through a lot of similar things. In having had the great pleasure to have met you, I see how you have embraced that hard won freedom and are always open to the possibilities – and I find that very inspiring. 🙂
And as for the apartment? Oh sure do I understand that! But I am glad that you listened to your instinct – I know that you have a specific idea of what you are looking for, what could be next and it may take time but it will happen!
And to you for the lovely response. I am so glad that I wrote this post, Tracy. I really never expected to have such a return. My friend Tony told me a long time ago that life is like a river and you can either fight against the tide or go with it as it will keep flowing either way. Thank Goodness for our loved ones too…
This is so amazing, Vicki Lee. I know that I will reread your response as it gets right to the heart of where I am hoping to go. Yes, yes, yes we do "have a choice"…all of this rings true to me. All of it. Merci beaucoup and also for the kind words about the blog as well. And yes, Home is important to me but – and I hope that this doesn't sound pretentious! – that is also the home inside each of us too.