There is such a fine line between dreaming and pushing the dream. As someone whose mind is roaring and running from the moment my lids open to the instant when my brain coaxes them to stay closed, I do a fine amount of talking in my head. No, not of the Sybilaphile kind–at least not yet–but rather a wishing and wondering, dashing and retreating dance. “What will the afternoon hold?”, I wonder while running through the days list in my head…and automatically, ideas are attached to each item until it effectively becomes a Wish List.
I remember telling my “Uncle” Tom (who is related to me only because he has known me “before you were born”) at the brass bold age of thirty that I had it all planned out. I was going to keep working “one hundred percent” on my career for this many years, meet the man of my dreams at such age while following up by hopefully having one child (only) within the next few years. How sure of myself I was! He looked at me calmly and said, “Life doesn’t work like that, Heather.”
How right he was. The unpredictability of life has often left me delighted, offering something beyond what my pirouetting imagination could have served on a silver platter but it has also left me in tears of utter disillusionment. And yet I keep needing to learn it on levels little and big.
Buddhism reminds us that expectations can only lead to disappointment. So when is “looking forward to something” different than trying to make a moment other than what it is? I want things to be exactly how I hoped but of course that happens so rarely. This note is a little reminder to myself to just be present and push away the smokey clouds that pollute with their noise of braying to be heard. Just breathe. For there is nothing but peace in our heart rising and falling and cool air splaying over our lips with each exhale to know that all is well. All is well.
Everything is fine and dandy, I just caught myself in the act as storm clouds have gathered before going to see Melody Gardot in concert, my little dress put aside for something more reasonable and whining on the verge of escaping. I wondered if anyone else does the same…
I will be back to the wedding festivities on Friday.
Funny but every birthday I used to be so disappointed not because I wasn’t getting what I wanted but because I expected more. More of what I have no idea but since I’ve learned to let go and just enjoy the day I say bring them on. I’ve learned to stop expecting and to wait for what will come.
XXX
Debra~
Oh Heather, i"m surrounded by Buddhism every day but disappointments, sadness, also happened here ending up in tears and sorrow. It's so hard to accept the unexpected but we
are only humans and are obviously born to suffer. However life can also be beautiful and there will be a day where sun is shinning again of us.
Great question, Heather. I can so relate to the "busy brain," the expectations, and thinking you have it all figured out until life tells you something different. I think as with everything in life, there is a balance. Between living in the moment and plotting the future. Between being engaged in the task at hand and enjoying the delicious anticipation of what's around the bend. I haven't quite gotten my balance together in very many parts of my life, but I work at it every day! XOXO
"There is such a fine line between dreaming and pushing the dream"… My dreams rarely have been very specific, and my pushing them mainly consists just of noticing open doors and trying make choices that close as few of those doors as possible. It's been amazing how many dreams have come true (beyond my wildest imagination) or remain possibilities. And how thoroughly I've been blindsided by steep challenges.
I get the sense (as much as one can via virtual communication) that you are on the cusp of taking some kind of action…(or deciding not to right now). You are well equipped to make whatever decisions may be presenting themselves to you.
Thinking of you, with every good, empowering wish, Leslie in Oregon
Fine post.
I agree with Loree. Yet life is bittersweet for most, I think. Twists and turns, some wholly unexpected, sometimes lead us in the most delightful directions. We can't know, but we plan anyway – the human condition. We believe, we hope, and even if what we believe in and hope for doesn't happen, our hope springs eternal….if we're lucky and don't give in.
Our wish list and out life list – the two are so vastly different. So many unfulfilled plans and so many dashed expectations. And yet, life does manage to surprise us with gifts wrapped in the most unexpected of packages.
Tears.
"Buddhism reminds us that expectations can only lead to disappointment…"
yeah, yeah, yeah, Heather….and, yes, this unedifyingly orthodox Anglo-Catholic ( I am one, actually) is quite aware (courtesy of some dreadful undergraduate courses in "Comparative Religion") that "All Desire is as a Cloud", "We see but through a glass darkly", and the degree to which one's having any practical plans-for-life is a sure-fire way to fuckup your karma or displease Jesus (who always seems to be depicted in retrospect as much less forgiving than he seems to have been in person).
Personally?…if I were you, I would simply tell that smart&handsome husband of yours to take you out to dinner more often…OFTEN, in fact?…to buy you things you WANT for yourself…..access your innner Pearl Bailey/Eartha Kitt…Remi can, all done and said, BE replaced. You can also replace the dogs; it's not as though any of them were going to live more than another ten (at most) years. You, by contrast, will be loved by your public and last forever. Love Remi and the dogs as you see fit..but do not ever confuse them with yourself or your needs. I speak from experience.
So?…..why SHOULDN'T you get what you want, and have it NOW? As I have reason to often remind myself in my own transprently absurd parody of a marriage?…."I am the star; everyone and everthing else is supporting-cast or a dispensable prop." Please take a care, Heather, to remind yourself of this every morning as you look in the mirror and brush your teeth.
Do I need to emphasize (this is, after all, the internet) that I am JOKING? Qui8te franklky, middle-aged Herve and Ispent last night eating leftover chicken and making plans about which of our parents are going to die first, and what we're going to do with the remaining ones. We agreed that his mother and my mother probably wouldn't get on very well (for one, they don't speak the same language) if we just ran off and gave them our house.
Life doesn't necessarily get easier while it gets longer.
Play this, and let the boy tremble in his tracks!!!!!:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oXhebJpB6Tw
AND I AM JOKING, YOU KNOW (folks are so humorless on this danged internet)
Fondly as ever,
Uncle David
http://www.davidterryart.com
"So when is 'looking forward to something' different than trying to make a moment other than what it is?" Great question and one I will have to think about. This was a good reminder to all of us — one that I can't believe you dashed off in the heat of the moment.
Enjoy that concert! Here's another song about 'breathing.' http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eo-UKCxCglg
Paul actually loves the Willie Nelson version of this song, but I'd rather look at Eddie Vedder (shallow, I know).