It is Sunday morning. Remi has gone to the train station to pick up a friend from Paris who is in desperate need of sun. At my suggestion, he took Ben with him. Before the heat sets in, our dog will enjoy the ride and make fellow drivers smile from his post at the back of the car. I had a few small but crucial items to buy–coffee, toothpaste–the things that glue our going together. I turned without thinking down the alleyway that curves sinuously to the shops, a route I now take to avoid passing in front of the door of a friend that is no longer a friend, my feet padding along the cracked pavement in my espadrilles like the paws of a dog. And that is when I realize that is precisely the sound that is missing. It is odd to not have Ben near me, trotting along, looking up at me with an expectant grin, just as it was unusual to move through the apartment, straightening up, grabbing my keys, without the pull of Remi, the knowledge of him working in the other room, fed by so many pricks of the senses. The sound of a sneeze, fingers clicking on keys. Such is the life that we have chosen together that I am rarely alone. Everyday, around the clock, so close as to be enmeshed. As it is with Ben too, who is always present because we are always present. He stares at me for no reason, reeling in my attention. This is how I found my myself waking while walking, oddly conscious of the boundary of me moving forward on my own. Quiet so that I can hear my pulse and feel the air parting around my torso as if walking through waves or breathing out a bubble. Suspended for an hour or so. I can hear Remi’s keys in the lock of the front door below. I turn my chin reflexively, in anticipation that the bubble will pop.
Ahh, of course you would identify with this Chris. Bisous…
When ever you want, girlygirl, when ever you want…only 2 1/2 hours down from Paris en plus…
I think the difference between being lonely and alone is an important one to make! Like I have said, I spent so much of my "young adulthood" as they like to say here on my own that such time is just fine by me but…odd now that it is so seldom.
Bisous, you really are a bombshell and I am still fuming at the unpleasant comments chez toi!
I know that exact feeling. It's both wonderful and strange at the same time. So another guest? You have had a string of so many interesting visitors to Arles lately! But then who wouldn't want to come and see the three of you?! One day it'll be me, mon amie! xo
Hooray Leslie! So happy that you stopped by and that I found your joyful blog because of it. Looks like we are two ladies who find a lot of good in the little bits, in the details…
Thank you for this beautiful response my dear friends. You have left me speechless. Again. So lucky to know you, I know I sound like a broken record but it is true…
Gros, gros bisous,
Heather
Oh Helen, that is so beautifully put: "they are the only heart beat in the entire space." I will think back on that. And no, I can't imagine living without a dog either. I grew up with them but couldn't all of those years in Manhattan mainly just because I couldn't afford to keep one. Then when we were travelling non-stop, it was impossible. The first thing I demanded when our travels started to slow down was that we get a dog and it felt like such a relief, that missing piece of the puzzle that had been lost under the sofa cushions for too many years…
bisous,
h
It is so true–and I actually thought of you after I hit publish. Both in terms of what it must be like when your three are home but also I saw first hand how tied together you and Clem are. So lovely. She may be your first but as we both know, she most likely won't be your last!
And I love the end of your comment. Remi is on his way back from Grenoble and even after just a night apart, I am looking forward to seeing him so much…
It is so true Francine, in NY we aren't alone even though we might be. And how wonderful to swim. I am terrible at it! But love the peace it brings. For me, it is the part of the day that I do my yoga. I close the door even on Ben for that–otherwise he will come in and give me bisous during Shivasana!!
It is so simple Debra! I don't have to do anything! I just use Quicktime to get it ready for the web (not sure how it is written in English but you'll see) and post it. Of course, I can probably get all fancy if I bothered but am happy just adding a little ambiance from time to time as is. And everyone would go crazy to see videos of Dylan Dog–you can trust me on that one!